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It's New Years Eve! We have nothing on the agenda. Allowing my "baby" girl to go to a party with friends. Don't worry - it's our Pastor's daughter and a couple of others - not your typical party atmosphere! Tough decision to make since it's our last New Years Eve with her officially home - but - she is almost 18 and it was time to let her go. Besides - when your kids make great friend choices, you have nothing to worry about.
WAY off subject there!!
Okay - so I've been thinking a lot this break. As I explained in my last post - my emotional status has been strained as of late. I've also said before I'm a pull-yourself-up-by-the-boot-straps kind of person and I can only stay in depression mode for a short while before I get fed up enough to do something about the crap in my life that is stressing me out.
So - time to evaluate the things that are upsetting me the most.
1. Finances. It's a mess as I've already stated. I'm sick of it, frustrated with it. It so consumes me that there have been days I can not function & my husband has to literally pull me out of bed. I have been talking about getting a job for a while - yet I have stalled. Maybe it's time to admit the real reason for stalling instead of making up crap to put people off when they ask me how the job thing is going. The reality is - I have not worked in 18 years. 18 years people. I have no job skills, no degree. I have nothing to offer the work force. Just THINKING about going back to work sends me into a panic. I know that sounds crazy weird - but it's true. I've been working on (I mean that) getting all the paperwork stuff in to sub - yet - do you have any idea how much panic courses through me when I think of standing in front of a classroom full of kids? I'm honestly terrified. Plus - at this weight - who would hire me - and what kid would take me seriously? That's the truth. Fear is keeping me from moving forward in this area. However - as fears go - this is one I know in my head I must face head on. It won't go away if I don't move forward and just do it. So - as far as finance evaluation goes - we've cut down as far as possible - now it's time for me to work. I must stop whining, stop being afraid - and just do it. On that note - anyone have a job offer?? (Yeah - potential bosses will read this blog & think I'm nuts!)
2. Location of life. This one goes along with the whole coaching thing. We've never liked it here, never felt at home. We've taken an enormous amount of nonsense since living here. I feel like Hurley on Lost where bad luck follows him everywhere. No, I don't believe in bad luck - yet living here has been a pain in our royal tosh's for a very long time. Yet - here we are. Still being treated horrible and still here. People in AA ask Marty all the time - WHY do you live THERE? JUST MOVE. I'm sorry if you live here and I have just offended you. It's not my intention. To use the Lost example again - the island treats some people well - and others not so much. You may fall into the well category. It's also not in my head - so if that's going through you brain - please set it aside and hear me out. Okay - so - don't get all excited you soccer stalkers about this (because if I hear it, you can guarantee we won't go anywhere just to spite you (oh my, that was such a godly statement - sigh) ) - for the first time - it's on the table that we may actually look for a job someplace else. Little man said to us "I don't care - I hate it here" - and he was the main reason we were sticking around. Waiting for the kids to finish high school and then we planned on moving on. Of course, we have to look at retirement and how many years Marty needs to put into the district before he could leave. Anyway - the point is - just thinking about it gives me some relief. It's an option - although not a very serious one - but at least it's a thought and that's more than we've had before.
Okay - well - this has turned into a ginormous post now hasn't it?? And I still have more evaluating to do! It'll have to wait for another day.
On a final note - all the evaluation in the world is pointless if you don't do something to change. Change is difficult - always. That is what I must keep in mind. Nothing is easy - and that's okay - but you can conquer things. It will be hard. It will hurt. Deal with it.
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I understand not wanting to have to get a job but have you thought about what might actually interest you and not give you the fear? If subbing causes you the fear - don't do it; there are lots of other things out there to look into. Or, just sign up for elementary school (when I subbed that is what I did and I still was called 3-4 days a week) Plus, if there are Christian schools around, you could also put your name in there too. And, you look fine :-) We tend to be our worst critics but others don't see us the way we do - trust me, as someone who used to hire people all the time, appearances did not make my mind up - personality and willingness to learn (notice I didn't say experience) is what I wanted to see. They had to be wililng to be taught :-)
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