When did this happen?

I typed this once already on my other computer - and poof - hit the wrong key - bye bye post.  Sigh - maybe it'll be better the second time around!!

My beautiful daughter keeps a tumblr account.  Like any good parent, I check in now and then.  Tonight, I was reading through and some things struck me - some good - some not so much.

Sometimes she can be a typical teen - dramatic.  She loves her quotes and sometimes I get the feeling she thinks she has the worst life in the world - and it bothers me.  (keep reading bug - this gets better!)  Sometimes I am amazed at the depths of her thoughts and think wow - THAT was insightful!  Sometimes I think - I don't even know you.  When did you become this beautiful, amazing, intelligent, Godly WOMAN?  She puts me to shame.

When she was in jr. high - she went through a difficult time.  It was also the year I was diagnosed with cancer.  I'm not putting her pain here for all to read - but it came as a huge shock to us in the family (no, she didn't have a kid or anything!) and it rocked us hard.  Even though all is well now, I realize I can not think of that time without a tight feeling in my chest.  When I read depressing quotes and status updates and the like, I get that same tightness.

Tonight a light bulb went off over my head.  I realized - I'm not upset with her at all.  The tightness in my chest comes from something entirely different.

It makes me feel like a failure.  It makes me do a fast slideshow through my head of all the stupid things I've done and said as a parent.  There are plenty, trust me.  It makes me wish I had done things differently, better.  It makes me mad at myself for the mistakes I've made.  It hits at my greatest fear - not being the perfect Mom.

E and I are a lot alike.  She might not like to read that but reality is - her and I have similar personalities.  We clash - J and M clash.  At times, we struggle in our relationship.  She is a Daddy's girl all the way.  Sometimes she's vocal about it without intending to be and I get my feelings hurt. Which is just plain stupid and immature - and again - it grabs at my heart and screams in my head "you should have done better!"

There are nights I lie awake in bed, with the replay button on.  "You should've said this, why did you say that?  What were you thinking?", etc, etc, etc.  There are nights I read about later on her tumblr that she has cried herself to sleep and I didn't even realize she was upset about something.  Failure again.

She's leaving us soon - headed onto college.  Tonight I laid down and suddenly realized I don't know how long it's been since I've gone and kissed and hugged them goodnight.  When did this happen?  How long has it been that I've just disappeared when I've gotten tired and gone to bed?  When did I become so complacent?

She's growing up and I'm struggling.  She's becoming her own person and I'm having a hard time.  WHY??  I don't get that!  WHY does it bother me so much when her opinions, her feelings, are different than mine??  What's the big stinking deal??  Don't I WANT her to grow up and be her own beautiful person that God intends for her to be?  What is my problem??  Why do I want to fight that so much?  It's dumb!

I said I've made mistakes.  This past December - life got really hard for me.  We were going through some difficult things as a family - no need to post that either.  No worries - my marriage has always been and will always be - amazing.  It wasn't that.  Anyway - I got mad.  Mad at God, mad at myself.  I was not handling life well.  My kids are used to my spitfire personality - but this was way more than that.  I was depressed, I was sad, and I was ticked off at everyone and everything.  Honestly it got to a point where I was ready to check myself into a mental institution - I just didn't know what feeling was coming next.  I punched the wall (in my bedroom, not in front of the kids, don't worry) and messed up my wrist - over a month later, my wrist still hurts.  I was depressed, sad and scared.  It was one of my most unproud parenting moments ever.  In the end, I found out my thyroid was out of whack and I was taking some medication that as soon as I stopped taking - that was the end of that - but still - it was not pretty.

I look back and I'm embarrassed - ashamed.  I can't take it back.  I can't take back the stupid words that flew out of my mouth.  I can't take back the anger or the moments I ran to my bedroom crying like a 12 year old girl.  I can't take back basically checking out as a mother for a month.  I can't take it back and it's just not acceptable.

I'm not really sure where to take this post from here.  I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm trying to say.  Maybe I just needed to get that off my chest - to admit - I've made mistakes as a Mom.  Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to not be perfect.  She's an awesome kid - not because of me - but despite me.  Maybe I'm trying to make peace with not being all I wanted to be, all I determined to be, when she was first born.  Maybe I'm trying to tell that 22 year old girl who leaned over her baby girls crib one day and said "I hope things never change between us" because life was just so - perfect

Anywho!  Thanks for all of you who stuck with me through this incredibly long post!  I'm sorry if I changed your opinion of me.  I'm not perfect, and I've never claimed to be.  Don't follow me - follow Him.

One more thing.  I love you E.  With all of my heart.  I really am sorry for December and for all the other stupid moments I have had as your Mom.  I'm sorry for my impatience, my harsh words (especially that),  my mistakes.  I'm sorry for not being more than I have been.  You have turned into an amazing young woman far beyond my greatest dreams.  You make me so very proud every day.  You have done so much better than me in so many areas.  You are my sunshine - and you always will be.  I love you.