Determined Steps

Today I was reminded of a verse from Proverbs that goes like this:  In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.  It's found in Proverbs 16:9.

When I was - oh - 18?  I attended a Christian college.  It was the year before I met my hubby.  I was a freshman and fell head over heels in love with Matt.  I met him at college and I thought for sure THIS was the man I was to marry.  We talked about it and I was pretty sure we were headed for a fast engagement.  I was a baby Christian and had yet to learn that I needed to possibly seek God on this as well.  He was a Christian too so I figured if we were both Christians then it had to be God - right??

I don't remember what month we met but I remember I was always concerned about the girl he was "friends" with back home.  He seemed a little too close for comfort.  His family was in love with her as well.  Anyway - the year went on and we grew closer and closer.  We were head over heals in love.  Unbeknownst to Matt, I was still being sexually abused.  My Dad had yet to be arrested.  In March, that happened - little did I know it was the end of 2 relationships in my life.

Matt took the news as well as could be expected.  He was supportive, he cried with me and I thought he understood.  I think he did - until he went home to talk to his Mommy about it.  Before I knew it, Matt withdrew.  When I finally got him to talk he told me his Mom felt like if I was 17 and chose not to run away from that environment - then it must be I wanted it.  I wanted to be raped, sexually abused, terrified, hit, emotionally devastated.  I didn't realize I wanted those things - but I guess I must've because that's what Matt's Mom said (note the sarcasm).  Yes, I wish I could talk to this woman today - I have a few things I would like to say to her.

That was the beginning of the end of the relationship.  I held on for dear life as long as I could.  I was devastated when he dealt the final blow and broke up with me.  (Note - he went back home and ended up marrying that "friend" I mentioned above).  I didn't think I would recover.  I thought my life was over.  I couldn't fathom there was anyone else out there for me.  I cried for weeks.  I could barely get out of bed.  I was angry - I threw things.   It was not pretty.  I know I humiliated myself by calling him up and begging him to stay with me, to give me another chance over and over again.

But - as Proverbs says - my heart said Matt - but God - in his infinite mercy - had much better plans for me.

I returned to school in the fall - now my sophomore year - Matt did not.  In October, I met Marty.  In November, we began dating - and the rest is history.

I look back now - and think of all that could have been.  I could have been in a family where I was made to feel I was less of a person because of what happened to me.  I look back now and I think WHY did I tolerate her speaking to me - about me - like that??  I would slap you silly now if you ever said to me those things were my fault.  I could have dealt with that for the rest of my life - having that shame heaped upon me.  I could have been part of a family who thought I was a prostitute (at the age of 4 or 5) (sarcasm again) and enjoyed the life I came from.  I could have my children around a Grandmother who told them terrible things about their Mom.  I could have spent the rest of my life living in a deep and dark pit of despair.

But even more importantly - had I followed my heart and God had not ordered my steps - look at all I would have lost.  Look at the man who God blessed me with.  On our first date, I dumped all my garbage on him.  I did it intentionally - trying to drive him away before I got too attached.  He was quiet and then in the end, when I asked "What do you think"?  He looked at me and said "I would be a real (pre-following the Lord days)  d*** if I held that against you".  Look at the kids God has blessed me with.  Look at the amazing life I live.  Look how the shame and the fear is gone and the memories don't hurt as much anymore.  None of that would have been if I had gotten my way and married Matt.

God always knows what is best for us.  Sometimes in the midst of the deepest, darkest, most violent storm - we can not see the light.  We can not possibly imagine what incredible things the future will hold.  All we can see is what is right in front of us.  But God - He orders our steps.  He loves us and the life we will be blessed with if we can just hold on a little longer is more amazing than any of us knows.

I encourage you if your in the midst of a very painful situation.  God knows.  You can't see - but He can.  I know it hurts, I know it's hard.  I know you just don't understand.  He has not forgotten you.  He loves you and He knows what is best for you.  Wait for it.  Wait and see what the Lord will do.