Post 100 and other thoughts

Post 100!  Yee haw :)  The switch over from my old blog to this one has been smooth sailing.  100 posts in just over 2 months and all of you - my wonderful readers - have left beautiful comments over and over.  Thank you friends!

On another more serious note.  Something has become apparent to me.  About to lay my heart bare here so be ready!  I am truly blessed to have moved to this point in my life - victory despite the terrible abuse I suffered as a child.  God is just SOOOO amazing, isn't He?  He truly is healer - almighty -  father God.  I am forever grateful. Yet, I have a struggle that I never related to my past until just this weekend.  Just yesterday during worship at the DP ceremony - it smacked me right square between the eyes.  Now that God has "confronted" me with it - I must deal.  I'm not one to run from the things God wants me to grow in - and this is no exception.

 I work with abuse victims quite often.  I meet them everywhere - church - online - in the grocery store.  Many, many people have suffered from abuse in their lives.  One thing I find true to all survivors is their self-esteem is damaged.  I've spent countless hours telling people how beautiful, amazing, talented, wonderful they are in their father's eyes.  I've prayed with them, over them, for them - that they would just grasp how deep - how wide - how long - is the father's everlasting love for them.  That they would truly feel the father's pure loving arms around them, pouring praise, wiping their tears - treating them as a father treats a child (or should).  That they would hear their father's loving voice.  Hours people - HOURS!  I have often walked away feeling sad because I know they don't get it.  I know they don't believe what I'm telling them.  I  know they look at me with suspicious eyes and questioning hearts - and I know - they just don't get it.

And then yesterday - God said to me this.

Do you?  Do YOU believe me?  Do YOU get it Tami?  DO YOU?

Uh oh.

And suddenly - I realized - I - am no different to any of those people I talk with/counsel with on a regular basis.  Oh, I can believe it for them - with all of my heart.  I KNOW how much the father loves them!  I don't doubt that for even a second!  But for me?  I have to admit - that's an entirely. different. story.

I realized, in this way - I am still broken.  I'm not happy about it either let me tell you!  These kinds of things make me mad - that I haven't seen it - or haven't examined it - or haven't been honest with myself at this level - before.  That I put this off until now.  How could I do that?  I've got it all together dog gone it!  (that's a joke folks) How did I miss this?  It's so important - and I missed it.

Anyway.  That's my self confession.  100 posts to say now I'm seeking God on this - for me.  I'm on my knees, asking for something supernatural - because that's what it's going to take for me to grasp this one.  I know it before I even seek God on it.  I'm waiting in expectation for the moment I can feel those arms around me the way I've prayed for others.

And whether you believe this or not - the day just went from cloudy to sunny - literally - and the sun shone right through my skylight onto my computer.

I think I need to go now.  I think God has something to say.