Soften the rough edges

If you look to the left side of my blog - you will see that one of my 40 in 40 goals states "get rid of community bitterness" or something to that affect.  I'm not going to go into great detail about what it means exactly.  If you know me, you know more about that.  If you don't - let's just say since we moved into this community 12 years ago - it's been a rough go.  There are some aspects of the community we haven't found - well - welcoming.  We've been hurt repeatedly and at times, it's been very difficult.  We've considered moving more times than not - but we are still here.

Anyway - this post is not to rant but to talk about softening the rough edges.

It's hard for me to let go of hurt.  Really difficult.  Walls are my specialty and the more hurt I get, the higher, wider and stronger those walls become.  Vulnerability is not something I'm good at.  Even worse than that is to drop the chip on my shoulder in certain - um - aspects of life here.

There is a certain individual who lives nearby that I have not spoken to in over a year.  Our kids play together but as I mentioned above - I build walls when hurt.  This person hurt my family when I thought they were a friend.  I have avoided contact because I just don't know if I can trust them.  Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice - shame on me.

This week we had the ice storm.  At 2 or 3 in the morning, the trees began to fall.  We looked across the street and realized our neighbors might be in trouble.  As high as my walls are - their kids spend a lot of time at my house and for them, we went out.  We stood in their front yard, freezing rain pouring down on our heads, bewildered at the trees falling all around us.  Their house got pelted, their cars got pelted.  Their power lines got pelted.  We stood in the freezing rain together and the bitterness began to wash away.  We offered our home.  I cracked the window, threw open the door and realized that although this might hurt in the long run - it was time to let go and move on.

I'm glad I did.  This same neighbor came over and helped M with the tree on our roof (although they were not able to remove it - but they tried) and once again - we can smile and wave.

Letting go of the community thing is hard.  So much stuff to let go of. So much potential for future hurt and pain, anger and frustration.  I feel as if it's almost inevitable.

But for this moment - I'm glad a chip got knocked off my shoulder by some freezing rain and falling trees. 

God continues to soften my rough edges.  I'm a work in progress and most likely this is an issue that will be revisited over and over again.  It's hard to be vulnerable and not keep my guard up - but there is growth in the struggle.  For this, I am glad.