Trip down memory lane

Hmmm.  How to start this post?

The past 2 weeks, I've been taking a "wonderful" trip down memory lane.  You know, not much surprises me about my past.  Yes, there are times I don't remember, memories that are missing.  It's to be expected.  I don't stress over it - a wise counselor once said to me "When God decides you are ready to remember, you will."  I remember enough to have a pretty good grasp about what happened the times I don't remember.

Not sure what started it all honestly but I've spent a few nights waking up with some very specific memories in dreams that I know are more than dreams.  It's been - frustrating.

I know a bit about recovery, about healing, about surviving - about overcoming.  I've spent a lifetime doing it.  There are a few key things that help.

First and foremost - get on your knees.  Take it all to the foot of the cross.  Without that, there is no victory.  Second, walk through, not around, not over - but through.  Grieve, get angry, cry, scream, do whatever you need to do - but don't ignore it, don't pretend it didn't happen, don't pretend it doesn't hurt.  Just walk through it.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.  Third - talk.

I hadn't said anything to Marty.  Sometimes when I think about specifics, I don't want to hurt other people with it.  It's not easy for my husband to hear the details.  He's always willing to listen and would prefer I talk instead of staying silent - but sometimes I don't want to hurt him with my hurt - so I keep it to myself.  Plus, to talk specifics is not easy.  I was keeping it all to myself - but it was making me cranky, short tempered and irritated.

I counsel people all the time and this is the main thing I share.  Take the power away from the memory by giving it a voice.  I don't know what it is about that - but the moment I finally opened my mouth after almost 19 years of silence and gave a voice to all that was stuffed inside - I began to heal.  I forgot that for a moment so today, I shared what was on my heart with my husband.  It made him cry, which makes me sad - but if it didn't make him cry, well then he would be a jerk, wouldn't he??

Anywho - I don't enjoy these times where my past wraps it's arms around my heart and drags me down.  Yet, I'm so thankful that Jesus has given me the tools to be able to deal with it and move forward in my life.  I'm thankful for a husband who is always willing to listen, who is always patient with me and who understands the times when I become a little distant.  If not for him, I would never be where I am today.

I have a feeling tonight I will get a good nights sleep.  Thanking Jesus for the amazing man of God He has given me - and for the healing power of Jesus Christ.