Reflections

This past weekend was awesome.  It's been so very long since I've laughed and relaxed the way I was able to this last few days. 

Marty was helping a college buddy with a soccer camp in Muskegon.  In the meantime, I was staying with his friends wife - which - honestly - I was nervous about!  I had never met her and I thought - this is gonna be awkward :)  I am sometimes shy and was concerned.

It's funny how God works things out and this weekend was one of those times. 

We arrived Thursday afternoon and I sat in the car while Marty and Keith coached the camp.  After that we went to his house.  His wife, Sarah, had to work so she didn't get home for a while.  Once she got home, it didn't take long to realize not only was it NOT going to be awkward - but we were going to get along great.

3 nights in a row, we were up LATE.  One night until almost 4 a.m.  We shared stories, we laughed, we played games.  I can't tell you how blessed I was.  It has been SO long - so very long.

Life can sure bog you down and when you get a moment to breathe and realize how bogged down you've been - a weekend like this one can be refreshing.  My only wish is that I could sell the house and move - like NOW.  Back to the west side of the state, back to the beach - back to Godly loving friends who have always supported my family even though the years have separated us.

I had a lot of reflection time on Friday.  Everyone had to work so I spent the day at the beach alone.  As I walked down the sand to the water, I was reminded of the times we brought Elyse to that same park as a baby.  I shed a few tears and thanked God for all the special times we have been given with her.  It seems like yesterday that I held her little chubby hand and walked with her down to the water.  I can still see her little swimsuit and beach hat.  I can hear her giggle and see her delight with the water and the sand and the birds she loved so much.  The years have been good and she has turned into a beautiful young woman of God.

I had time to reflect on our marriage and how far God has brought us.  As much as a piece - major piece - of my heart was left in Grand Rapids, God moved us here to strengthen this beautiful marriage He has given us.  I thought about how I am more in love with this amazing man than I was those times we tossed Elyse as a toddler back and forth in the water as she laughed and we soaked in her sunshine.  I am thankful for the unbreakable bond that is now my marriage.  I am thankful Marty is my closest friend.  This, too, brought tears to my eyes.

I thought long and hard about the difficult times.  The times, the years, that have sapped my joy, my energy, my excitement for life.  I questioned God to some extent - wondering why He has allowed all He has since we left Grand Rapids.  I am not the person I was when we left 13 years ago.  My smile is not as big, my laughter not as loud.  I am guarded, cautious, skeptical, suspicious, worried, fearful and spend too much time worrying about all that could go wrong instead of thanking God for all that has gone right.

I went back to our friends house feeling empty.  Wishing, dreaming, that I could come home, pack up and move.  As if leaving here would be a way to leave all I have become and returning there would return me to the relaxed, joy filled person I once was.

Saturday I spent with my new friend Sarah.  I don't think she'll ever know (unless she reads this post!) how good that day was for me.  We had a great time together.  We spent some time going to garage sales and went to the beach.  Had a lot of fun with their kids swimming.  The "boys" (my hubby and hers) came later and we swam some more.  Then we spent time walking the boardwalk Marty and I would when we were college students.  We had dinner, ice cream and we went to the musical fountain.  The cares drained off me and I was able to spend several hours in the moment.  We went home, they put their kids to bed - and we stayed up until 3:45 - yes - 3:45 - a.m. - playing games, laughing, talking.  I didn't want to go to bed.  It truly was one of the best days I have had in - well - forever.

I know this is a long post and I apologize.  I came home today refreshed and determined to begin to live in the moment.  I want to find a way to stop worrying, fretting, trying to - I don't know - trying to make everything perfect.  Just enjoy the laughter for today with my kids.  Stop worrying about all that drags me down.  I'm not sure how to put it - but I spend so much time trying to make sure nothing bad ever happens to us.  I think about the "what ifs" all the time.  I suffocate everyone around me trying to make sure no one gets hurt emotionally or physically.  I need to stop.  I can't prevent everything - and all this time I've spent trying has sucked the joy right out of me and made me lose the good moments.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not - but it became really, really clear to me this weekend.  I can't worry about tomorrow - I can only do the best I can do today.  Live in the moment.

That's my reflections for the weekend.  It was a special one for me.  I don't know that words do this weekend justice.  And no, I'm not trying to be melodramatic!  It was just fun, refreshing, relaxing.  I literally haven't laughed that hard in years - and it was - nice.

This next week we'll be heading back to Lake Michigan as a family.  I am determined to have fun.  Live in the moment.  Stop trying to control everyone around me and laugh - a lot.  Trust God.  When the waves are rolling and I am wanting everyone to come back to shore so they don't get sucked into an - what's that called - undertow?? - instead - I'm going out.  I'm riding the waves.  If the undertow takes us out (okay this is dramatic - it is, after all, just Lake Michigan!) - then at least we go out together - laughing - and having fun.  God is there, too - and I've forgotten that.  It's time for me to step back and let the "man" do His job.

Well, that's all folks.  An incredibly long post to reflect on a weekend.  Thanks for sticking with me to the end :)