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Am I the only one who struggles with this? Maybe it's the time of life I'm entering - about to send one child off to college, another entering high school - neither of them needing me like they used to. As I'm slowly squeezed out of their lives in exchange for friends, activities, sports and the opposite sex - I find myself wondering who in the world I am.
I realize raising teens is tough. And I have GREAT teens! It's just weird not having a child who cuddles up to me and tells me how I'm the best Mom in the world. Nope, don't hear that one anymore, that's for sure!! Everyone tells me that will return one day and although part of me looongs for that day - the other part of me isn't quite ready to have a totally empty house just yet.
It's just weird. This point in life. I don't know who I am. What's my purpose? I've spent so many years developing my kids that I've, honestly, not spent a lot of time developing any friendships or anything else for that matter. Some days I'd really just like a girlfriend to go to coffee with and I do have a couple I can squeeze some coffee time in (and I love them for it) - but - it's weird. Now that I'm not consumed with kids - what now?
I'm, honestly, feeling pretty darn INsignificant. Like no one really needs me anymore. Does anyone care what I think about anything or does everyone just wish I would shut up and go away? Am I the only one who struggles with this? Maybe it's all in my head. Yet - it IS the way I feel. Like I don't have a place, a purpose, a - ANYTHING.
This morning, I was ticked off at God. Sorry if this offends you - but some days - I yell at God (in my head). I so wanted to connect with Him and then on the way to church, my hubby and I (who rarely fight) got into a stupid tiff about something dumb - and then I was out of wanting to connect to God. I was just mad. I spent most of the service angry with Him and him. How fair is that? He (and he) does so much good in my life, yet, when things are not as I would like them (think princess and the pea) - I blame Him (and him). More than likely, it's all my fault - but - I would rather blame Him and him I guess. Anyway - the end result - no connection when everyone else seems to be connecting. Talk about ANNOYING!!
The point is - lately - I've found myself frustrated. Struggling for my significance. Wanting and desperately needing a focus - something to call my own. Something to make me feel needed. Silly probably - is this a 40 year old thing? Like a mid-life crisis? Hmmm. Gonna have to think about that one.
Anyone else think this way - or is it just me??
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2 comments:
It's definitely not just you. I've found that I feel this way for a while at each transition in life...
When my youngest started kindergarten, when my first one went to high school. My youngest got married over a year ago now. That was a huge adjustment. I'm happy that she's settled into her new life, with a great hubbie, but it's just difficult not to see her and talk to her each day. I try to be respectful of their time, and not call on weekends or during dinner, even when I want to. But, the one thing I've learned is that what feels strange and uncomfortable for a while does become your new normal, and you'll be happy in it once you realize it's a step you're meant to take. Just this morning, in the shower, I was wondering what my kids are up to the last couple of days, when I realized that I didn't spend all of yesterday yearning to talk to them, as I have in the past. I thanked God for allowing me this new level of comfort. Not that each day is perfect, but I'm getting used to the changes. Hang in there. You'll discover your new role.
nope, you're not alone.
i struggle with that on a regular basis, of course, i don't usually blame God... but i find it's difficult to find balance.
I have dreams but i have to put them on hold while my kids are young, and everyone tells me that you gotta enjoy your kids while they are young and want to cuddle with you b/c one day it will all be over... and i'm just looking forward to that sometimes...
so i'm just messed up!!!
sometimes, i think we just need to lower our expectations and we will be better - feel better...
i remember saying goodbye to my mom when i went off to college for the first time and i called her regularly and then, after making new friends and so forth, i didn't call her for like 2 months... i don't know how she felt about it, i never considered her feelings, just my own...
now you give me something to think about!
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