Sometimes, I don't understand

Sometimes, I don't understand God.  I know I'm not the only one.

Life can be tough.  I consider myself a survivor.  A pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of girl.  I get knocked down, but I get up again kind of chick.  I'm stubborn, opinionated and bull-headed.  I can just shove my way through most situations.  It's difficult to change my mind once I've set course.  I don't back down easily. These are all traits that have helped me through life's difficulties and I don't apologize for them.

Yet, at times, I get tired.  Weary.  Like I would love to climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, and forget the world exists.  Times I'm sick and tired of dealing with life.  Times I just don't get this God I serve.  Times I would really like to have a few words with the man upstairs.  Am I alone in this?

Sometimes - even I - ask why.  Why do children suffer?  Why does God not always choose to reach down His mighty hands?  Why does He seem silent?  Why does He say no when yes seems like the better answer?  Why does He not always rescue? Why does He not always answer prayer?  How can He sit up there and see the tears streaming down the faces of His children and do NOTHING?  Why?

I know all the "right" answers to these questions.  I've spoken them myself.  I believe them.  I know Jesus suffered so we would not be alone in our suffering.  I know we can not see the big picture.  I know we don't know the future.  I know sometimes I have to withhold what may seem like good in the eyes of my children in the moment because that is what is best for them - even though they don't understand.  These are all things I know.

Yet, still.  I don't always understand.  Sometimes I don't want to sigh and say "okay God, your will be done."  I would rather kick and scream and shake my fist in the face of the Almighty.  It's wrong - but sometimes it's seems easier than yielding to His good and perfect will.

Sometimes, I don't understand.  Yet I know I would go to the ends of the earth for my children.  I know I would die trying to save them.  I know the love I feel for them is beyond any words I could ever speak.  I know I would deny myself anything if it would make them happy.  I know that I know that I know how much I am deeply, madly, insanely in love with them.  I can't imagine a greater love than what I have for my children.

That is the same love our father has for us.  Sometimes I don't understand.  But I know He does - and yes, even in my darkest hour, even in my deepest doubt - I still choose to bend my knee to Him.