Mean - Taylor Swift

I've been tossing around sharing this post with you for a while.  I love the lyrics to this song - it speaks to the heart of the girl I was, oh goodness, 20 some years ago as a pre-teen.  (Okay, okay, a little bit more than 20 - but not much!)  I've debated sharing it because I wonder if anyone else can relate to how a song can speak to a part of you from years past.  Not sure that makes any sense - but there it is.

I would hate for you all to think I've gone off my rocker.  Yeah - no smart comments from some of you (A) - we all know I fell OFF the rocker a long time ago!

ANYWAY.  Let's move this post along.  I'll share the lyrics and then some thoughts with you afterwards.  Read on past the song - especially if this song speaks to you.

Mean - Taylor Swift

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I'm nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded

You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city

And all your ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation

You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them

I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold

But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road

And you don't know what you don't know

Someday, I'll be living in a big old city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean

All you are is mean, and a liar, and pathetic and alone in lie

And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

Someday, I'll be living in a big old city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah

Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me 

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

There's so many ways this song speaks to me.  First, although the physical abuse was the lesser of the 3 evils of my childhood, it was still there.  Second - I remember very vividly growing up telling myself, telling him - that who I was then would not be who I would be as a grown up.  I knew, even way back then, that the abuse stopped there and my kids would never experience the life I lived.  I knew one day I would be in a big old city and I would be big enough  - brave enough - strong enough - to not be hit anymore.  I never in my life doubted that. I was as stubborn then as I am now.

Although my Dad wasn't a drunk.  I wish I could say he was, at least as some kind of an excuse for his meanness.  I only saw him drunk once in my life.  He was just mean - without alcohol.  But - I can see him in a bar talking over something, washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things - with a big loud opinion and no one's listening.  I can see that as clear as day because he always had a big loud opinion.  (yes, yes, I DO get that from somewhere!)

Someday has arrived.  This is where I just cry.  Someday has arrived.  It has arrived because I serve a God bigger than my past.  I listen to this song, I feel the heart of the 13 year old girl I once was.  I feel her pain, I feel her hoping against all hope that the day will come and things will change.  Now things have - and it sets me to tears so fast.  Someday has arrived.  I serve a mighty God.  My kids have never - and will never - feel the way I felt.  They will never be able to sing this song.  Praise Jesus.  I can't say it enough - someday has arrived - and I am oh so grateful to the God I serve.

Last night as we were driving home from Special Olympics, this song was playing on the radio.  Little man was sitting in the front, me in the back.  It's not often - if ever - I think of my father now and what has become of him and his life.  I'm sorry if this makes me sound ungodly - but I don't much care.  I have forgiven, yes, but honestly - there is still a part of me that hopes he is, in fact, sitting around with no one listening after all he did to my family.  But last night, I thought what a lonely man he must have become.  Lonely, bitter, hopeless - and I felt for him.  I thought of all his actions have caused him to miss out on.  My beautiful children, my amazing rock solid man - me.  And I felt sad for his sadness, his emptiness.  It was his choice, yes - but at the same time - we all make choices in life that leave us in desperate places.  It made me see how far my forgiveness - God's forgiveness - has stretched.  To be able to feel sorry for him - well that's a new step.

Anyway - for all those pre-teens and teens that happened on this blog because you looked up the lyrics - and have actually stuck with reading this to this point - please know this.  There is hope.  This is a future.  There is a plan - a grand purpose for your life so much bigger than you now know.  No matter what has happened or is happening to you - you WILL HAVE your someday.  Hang in there.  Jesus loves you oh so much more than you could ever know. I'm here.  Leave a comment, we'll talk.  Don't give up.  Your someday is coming.