I am a runner

It's been too long - again.  Not sure if anyone is still left reading :(  I apologize to those of you who left me some beautiful and helpful comments that I just realized were awaiting my approval.  Thank you.  You are so sweet :)

Several months ago - back in March - I began to walk (literally) a journey.  I was overweight, I had a broken foot, I was unhappy and feeling quite hopeless.  It started with a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  That's how I felt.  I was fat, I got sick - maybe not nearly dead - but some days - it sure felt like it.  I was not in a good place and not headed in a good direction.

I began juicing.  Juiced for a month - lost a mess of weight.  Beyond that - I have always wanted to run a race.  Even when I was thin, I was never much of an athlete.  I wanted to be one, I dreamed of being one, I talked about being one, researched being one - but I never actually WAS one.  I did some boxing for a while and I did love that - but it didn't last long.

My sister - my inspiration - began running a year ago.  I promised her I would run a race with her last year - but never did.  So this year - I decided a couple of things.

Number one - I wasn't going to make another promise I didn't plan on keeping.  Number two - I wasn't going to talk anymore about running a race.  I was going to actually RUN one. 

It just  so happened the Susan B Koman race - the same race I promised my sister I would run a year ago and didn't - falls on my birthday this year.  So - way back in March - I started a program.  Couch to 5k.  I did a conservative one I found on the Internet.

I remember my first "run" well.  Too well.  The way the program works (the conservative approach anyway) is that you start by walking 30 minutes, three times a week for a month.  Then, you begin running - every week your run increases 2 minutes of running, lose 2 minutes of walking until you are running a full 30 minutes.   I didn't realize in the beginning that it didn't matter how you did the 2 minutes.  You didn't have to do the full 2 minutes at once - you could divide that into 30 second stints if you wanted.  So - that being said - I attempted to run the full 2 minutes my very first week.

Let's just say it didn't go to well.  I literally thought I would die.  D.I.E.  My asthma kicked in, I couldn't get it under control, I was dizzy, seeing spots - it was UGLY.  I did the 2 minutes and said forget the other 28 (walking) and I got in the car and left.

However - for the first time in my life - I didn't quit.  I can NOT believe I'm still at this thing.  I can't believe that after I got in the car that day - I determined it didn't matter how I felt, I was not finished.  I found out I could split that 2 minutes up and then the 4 minutes the next week and then the 8 minutes - and on.  Sometimes I ran 30 seconds and walked for 5 minutes before running another 30 seconds - but I continued to run.  I did not quit despite the extreme pain in my ankles, despite the continuous and scary asthma attacks, despite the feeling of not being able to take another step.  I didn't quit.  I DIDN'T QUIT.  It still amazes me.

Next Sunday - on my 42nd birthday - I will run my first 5k.  I'm praying I can actually run the entire thing.  The most I've ran straight so far is 2 miles.  But - I'm GOING to do it!  I'M GOING TO DO IT!!

I think hitting the finish line will be a very emotional experience for me.  I just can't believe I can now run 30 minutes straight.  I'm not fast (oh goodness - the best I've done so far is a 13 minute mile!), I'm not good, it's not pretty - but I am doing it.  My asthma is now under control.  I no longer suck air.  I'm still in pain - but not like I was at the beginning.  Although I'm really nervous about next Sunday - I'm - well - I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud that I have not given up, not quit, not walked away - not done what I've done for 42 years -- failed to believe I was capable of such a thing.  I have done it and this is only the beginning.

I want to encourage all of you.  I was that person reading these blogs, dreaming of the day I might do something like this.  I was that person that said I could never, that would go out and walk to the mailbox out of breath.  I was that person watching biggest loser eating a bag of chips thinking "if only I were on that show, then I would be able to do this thing".  I was that person.  I NEVER, in a million years, believed I would EVER be the person on the starting line.  Never.  Not really.

I also want to share that I am still overweight.  7 months later, a million runs later - I still have 50 more pounds to lose.  I have lost 50 and I have 50 to go.  I have done this still being overweight.  You can do it to.  I'm not going to stay overweight - that I know - but it's been a slow process.  But I have still run - and so can you.  I promise you.  If I can do it - I KNOW you can to!

I just have one thing left to say after this very long post.

I am a runner.

Confessions of a working Mom

SO :)

It's been a long, long while - again.  So - let's do a brief update if I happen to have any readers left - which I highly doubt - but hey - a girl can dream, right??

I believe I have accomplished some New Year's resolutions this year!  I think I had 3, although I would have to re-read to remember for sure.

One was to lose weight and get in shape.  I am working on it.  Lost 50 pounds, training for a 5k which will occur on my birthday at the end of September.  I am up to 26 minutes of running people!  Do you have ANY idea how awesome that is?  I never - and I mean NEVER - thought I would get HERE!

Second was to move.  We did.  2 weeks ago.  It has been crazy INSANE - but we did it.  I told my son we would - and we did.

Third - and this wasn't a New Year's resolution nor even on my radar - but God is faithful and He provided me with a new full time job at my brother's company in Ann Arbor as an "administrator" (fancy word for one who sits on her butt at a computer all day and pulls credit reports, bank statements, pay stubs, tax returns, etc, etc, etc - for those of you who have gotten mortgages).  Basically I work for a quality control company.  It is federally regulated that all mortgage companies audit 10% of their mortgages a month (I think).  We audit those mortgages.  Really we're auditing the mortgage companies and make sure they keep up with all the laws - which honestly is nearly impossible.  I pull all that information along with 3 other people.  Then we create reports which I copy and paste from the loan computer software onto word documents which gets sent to one of my bosses who goes over them, adds stuff, deletes stuff, and passes that onto the mortgage company and then we get paid.

So - now I'm a full time working Mom. In the past month, I have moved a house I lived in for 10 years, rented a new one, fixed up and rented out my old one, packed more boxes and unpacked more boxes than I ever care to pack or unpack again, moved into a  beautiful little house in Ann Arbor and started a full time job.  WHEW!  Jon started football this week, Elyse goes back to college in 3 weeks and the boys start school in about 5 weeks.  Life moves full steam ahead!

My confessions.

It's HARD to be a full time working Mom!  I'm so thankful for my amazing husband who is stepping in to replace me as house Dad.  I have no idea how we're going to do it once he goes back to school after labor day - but for now - he's cooking, he's cleaning, he's taking care of the kids, the laundry, the dog - and he's doing a great job.

I have to admit - I love my job.  I'm thankful for it, for however long it lasts. It might be temporary and it might not be.  Have to wait another 70 days or so to find out for sure.  I love it oh so much more than substitute teaching.  I sit in a little office with 4 other people who are fun and easy to work with, I have 2 chill bosses (one being my brother) and I don't have to deal with customers.  It is so perfect for me.  And I make more than I did subbing.

What I don't love about my job is how torn I feel once I get home.  When I'm at work, bringing home the bacon, I don't think about how far behind things are at home.  I don't think about the weeds or the dirty clothes or the dishes or the grocery list or the bills or the dog poop in the yard or who has to be where when or any of that.  Marty IS doing a fine job - but it's always been - well - my job.  I get home and he doesn't do the laundry the way I do, he puts the soap on the "wrong" side of the room, and...and well for the first week - I found myself - frustrated.

Until I realized it was all really petty and stupid.  It was OKAY that he was doing a terrifically awesome job.  It was OKAY that someone else can do just as a good of a job as I do - and do it differently.  It didn't mean I had stunk at it.

I miss my kids.  I miss my husband.  Heck, I miss the dog.

This is a new season.  A season of transition.  New town, new home, new job - new a lot.  But one thing remains the same.

God, God has entrusted us with all of it.  He sees something I do not - that together, as a family, we are more than capable of all of this - whatever He has planned for us here.  He brought us here - oh so faithful - I'll tell you all of that later - but God has had His hand in this every step of the way.  God knows that we are here - in His plan.  In his purpose.  I'm excited to see that unfold - to embrace the new, to figure out how to make it work - to find a new church, to meet new friends, to step out in faith in whatever way God wishes me too.

I'll just go along for the ride.

Goodbye Bedford

Long time, no post.  Pretty normal anymore!

In less than 2 weeks, we will be leaving the home we have lived in for almost 12 years.  We moved here when Elyse went to Kindergarten and now she will be a sophomore in college.  Jon was a baby and is now a sophomore in high school.  My how things have changed.

There have been so many blessings - too many to recall and give them proper due.  My kids - wow - have they grown.  They truly are good kids.  It was easier in so many ways when they were small - yet they make me proud every single day.  We moved here and there was so little they could do on their own - they were so dependent on us.  Now - now they are individuals, with their likes, their dislikes, their gifts and talents - both very able to handle life independently.  We are so blessed at the young people they are becoming.  I consider myself blessed beyond measure.

I think the biggest blessing of the last 12 years was our church which led us to the cross.  Our marriage was saved, our kids were saved and baptized, our daughter called into the ministry.  There has been much spiritual growth in our family over the past 12 years.  There is always room for more growth - but we are not the same people we were when we moved here 12 years ago.  We are grateful for the influence of God's people and God's church in our kids lives and in our lives.

We have had many ministry opportunities while here.  We have learned from all of them.  We have worked with international students who have grown our love for world missions and for this beautiful world God has given us.  We have worked with teenagers, young adults, Special Olympics,  kids,  worship, and so many things I can't even think of in this moment.  All have caused us to grow and in every situation, we have been more blessed than the blessing we were to be.  I am thankful for all the experiences we have had while here.  They have grown us closer to Jesus and have made us more like Him.

Our marriage - oh how it has grown.  I think the tougher experiences pulled us closer together.  12 years ago we moved here, wondering if our marriage would survive.  So much has changed.  We have made it and now we have one of the most solid marriages of anyone I know.  We are so deeply in love with each other.  I would have never seen that 12 years ago.

We have survived cancer, job changes, financial gain and financial loss, moves from house to house, being ridiculed, lied about - so many hard, tough things - yet we have grown from each of them.

We have made many good friends.  Aaron and Lois - oh how special you both are to me.  I will miss both of you and your beautiful families.  I am thankful for how you have both stuck by my side through everything.  I am thankful that through it all, despite of me, you have loved me anyway and believed in my, in my family, in my children.  You truly have made my life richer just from being in it.

I am thankful for all the girls I have coached in soccer.  For Carlee, for Lauren, for Bethany, Ryan - the list goes on forever and I don't want to leave anyone out.  I have watched all of you grow from immature high school girls to mature young women who have beautiful families and beautiful lives.  I am so proud of each of you and am thankful to God for the time we spent together.  Those were truly good times for me. Thank you for being a light in my life then and even now.  I do love you all.  I am thankful for Alana - for coaching with me - for Peggy - again - for coaching with me.  I was and am so blessed to have 2 young women who are some of the finest young women I know work alongside of me.  You guys kept things light, kept me on track and focused.  Now I count you both as friends and I am thankful for you.  I am thankful for Bill Regnier who gave me the opportunity to coach.  I am thankful he put up with my stubbornness and inability to be flexible at times :)  I am thankful for Pat Mull who believed in all of my girls as well - who took care of so many details for me and for the girls.  You guys are the best.

I am thankful for Nate & Wendy, Rick & Beth, Mike & Pam.  Where would we be without your Godly leadership in our lives - especially so many years ago.  Thank you for loving Jesus and loving us because of it.

I am thankful for this home we are now about to hand to someone else (still looking if you are interested!).  It has seen much laughter, tears, fear, pain, joy.  The moment I walked into it, I knew it would be ours.  It may be small - but it has been home and our family has grown in it.  I am thankful for it and for our neighbors who have always been so good to us.

Well this post is going on forever.  Thank you Bedford for all the good times.  It's time to say goodbye and make some new memories.  Our door is always open and you are always welcome.  Let this not be goodbye but see you soon.   

Running Thoughts

I realize I haven't blogged in - well - forever.  I have no apologies and no excuses - it's just the way life rolls sometimes!


So - I have no idea if I've talked about this but I'm training for a 5k currently using a conservative couch to 5k program I found on beginner triathlete.com.  I am glad I went the conservative route for 110 reasons - none of which I will share for now :)  It was a good approach for me and I might actually be running 30 minutes straight by the end of it.  I doubt it some days - but I've come a long, long way from being a couch potato to somewhat of a runner or at least a runner in training.

My training has brought me to some conclusions about a few things.  In particular, about a certain group of people.

There is a local running shop that shall remain nameless.  I tried to get shoes there once several years ago - back when all I did was think about exercise but never really did it.  I was overweight then too.  Personally I feel overweight people who brave walking into a running shop should be congratulated, rewarded, encouraged - but that was not the mentality of this local running shop.  It was all they could do to contain their laughter (and, in fact, one young man did laugh as he stood behind the counter).  They lost a good customer that day and plenty more because I recommend another shop every time someone asks - and because I'm overweight and getting in shape - plenty of people ask.

So.  Fast forward to present day.  We have a local park we do almost all of our runs at.  I won't say where 'cause well, this is Internet land and I prefer not to be pulled off a trail at said running park and kidnapped or something - but we go there several days a week to run.  Local running shop also has a local running club that trains at this same park.  Last time I ran, I came oh so close to shoving one of them off the path.  Oh. so. close.

They run either all decked out in the latest running gear or with as minimal clothing as possible with their skinny running bodies flying down the path.  They TAKE OVER the path.  If you don't get out of their way, they will run you over.  They are not nice, don't let you know when they are going to pass, just run with arrogant smirks on their faces and everyone just moves out of their way.  Sometimes, when the weather is cooler, they all wear the same t-shirt advertising their running shop.  Oh how cute. (sarcasm)

Anyway - the point is this.  Next time - next time - I will not move.  I may not be a runner yet but I am a truck and it will hurt if they do not get out of my way.  I promise, it will hurt.  It may hurt me as much, but I will take great pleasure in seeing their skinny little half naked bodies fly across the trail.  Honestly, they need to be humbled.  (I really am not sure if I'm kidding or not - that's how angry it makes me)

I get tired of the arrogance.  The arrogance that says I'm not as important as they are because I'm slow and struggling and barely breathing and heavy.  The arrogance that says they own the place and I'm  not as cool as they are.  The arrogance that says they know more than me, are better than me, can run faster than me, and somehow deserve more recognition than me.  It's all there in their stupid little smiles and inability to share the trail.

I know, I've lost it - but I swear it's true.

I work hard.  I work so hard when I run.  I am in pain every single run.  I have asthma and every single run, I feel as if I am trying to breathe under water. I am running with 60 extra pounds on my frame (down almost 50, I might add).  I deserve respect - regardless of my size.  I deserve respect because I have the courage to step out on that trail with those idiots and run anyway even though they act as if I do not belong.  I do belong.  I may be slow, but I am worthy of their respect simply because I try.

So - if you, like me, are an overweight person who is trying to change their body - good for you.  Keep going - and don't let anyone intimidate you.  You deserve more.  Prove them wrong by not quitting.  And,  if you live in my area - feel free to stand strong and make them give up the path.

And that, my friends, is my 2 cents.  Aren't you glad I'm back?? :)

Update!

First - let me apologize - I had a few comments some wonderful readers left a long while ago that I had yet to approve only because I haven't been on here since spring break.  I am sorry :(  If you are still there - thanks for stopping by and for commenting - it's always wonderful to know someone actually READS this blog!!

Second - let's just give you an update on life!

Elyse - finished her first year at NCU!  CRAZY!  We are so stinking proud of her.  She is such a blessing to this Mom!  I flew out last week to meet my in-laws in Minneapolis and we brought her home.  She, once again, did great, got awesome grades, met some terrific friends and loved her life in Minneapolis.  She is slowly adjusting to being home - I remember - it's a tough adjustment.  She misses  her friends and there are already plans for at least one of them to come stay with us for a week to visit.  How fun :)  Seems like it was just yesterday when I went home to meet Marty's family in college - and look what a huge blessing that has turned out to be! God is so faithful!

Jon - 6 more weeks and I'll have a sophomore in high school and a 16 year old!  Lord help us - lol :)  He has done some major growing up this year.  At the start of the year, he was short enough for me to rest my chin on his head and he weighed under 100 pounds - or right at 100.  That is all no more.  His voice has changed, he is taller than me and he clocks in at close to 140 pounds!  He loves his new school and is planning on going out for football in the fall.  He has worked very hard this school year and has come a long way.  He, too, is a blessing to us.

Marty - let's see.  He's been busy teaching as always.  We had a little scare right around spring break - he was bumped from his teaching position.  I don't know why I worry though, God always knows what the future holds and another science teacher is retiring which secured Marty's position for at least next year.  He's also picked up quite a bit on the metal scrapping.  He loves it - I don't understand it - but if it makes him happy, it makes me happy!

Me - WELL :)  I don't know what I wrote last but the weight loss journey continues!  I have yet to miss a day on my couch to 5k training.  I have added weight lifting and working out with a friend at least one day a week as well.  The weight continues to be stubborn and I have been stuck for well over a month at the same weight - but I just keep pressing on.  I have become totally vegetarian now.  Working on eliminating all processed foods - but let's just say that is not as easy as cutting out the meat was!  Being a thyroid cancer survivor has it's pitfalls and a horrible metabolism is one of them!

US - working on moving to Ann Arbor - the goal is to be there by this fall.  AND - we are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary later this month!  WOO HOO!  I'll write more on that later - but let's just say I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to be married to Marty.  I can't wait to celebrate 20 years - we are more in love now than we were 20 years ago. 

Well my friends - there's your update.  It's a long one and I'll do my best to start writing more often.  Our home computer died so my time on the computer is now limited to when Marty is home from school with his laptop.  But - I will try my hardest to at least post once a week or so!

Thanks for reading this huge long post :)

Shatter the Silence

It's been, again, forever, since I've written anything on this blog.  Life just happens.

Anyway - we're on vacation in Minneapolis with our beautiful daughter.  Little man is in Texas visiting his Grandparents.  I've had some time to pick up a book on my kindle called "Rid of my disgrace".  Here are some quotes:

"The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing."

"There is an epidemic of sexual assault, and victims need the kind of hope and help that only the gospel of Jesus Christ can provide.  Tragically, most churches and Christians are woefully unprepared to help the one in four women and one in six men who have been abused sexually.  Worse still, many Christian leaders (including parents) are ignorant of this epidemic because ashamed victims are reticent to simply declare what has been done to them, and untrained leaders do not recognize the signs of sexual assault or know how to inquire lovingly of victims."

I've thought a lot about this in the past - the silence that runs so deep in this topic.  Let me share some of my experiences, without bitterness, of what has happened to me at various times when I have tried to share my past. 

I've had stupidity.  I've been told I must have wanted it if I stayed in the home and didn't run away.  This being told to me by the mother of my first college boyfriend.  I wish I had known then what I know now.  Anyway - without bitterness :)  I've had pity (which I struggle with).  I've had genuine concern - friends who have allowed me to share even though they do not understand.  I've had the loving, gentle touch of my husband who has coaxed me out of my shell, has given me wings to fly, has protected and cherished me and has kissed, so to speak, my scars.  I've had silence.  I've had people who say nothing - but in their saying nothing, say everything.  I've had people who just plain don't know how to respond.

No one likes to talk about the reality of sexual abuse - and especially not in the church.  It hurts too much.  It is graphic - it is raw.  It is very raw.  Most wish to push it under a rug and hope it will go away - hope the victims will stay silent so that they don't make people uncomfortable.  Some think a victims past should stay - in the past.  Christ does, indeed, make all things new - but the making of new things requires the shedding of old.

I talk about my past more than most - but honestly, I don't talk about it enough.  I wonder just how many women I sit next to on Sunday morning who are just waiting for someone to notice, to say something.  I wonder how many women - and men - wish they could just be set free of something that has held them captive for so very long.

Reading this book makes me realize there is more to do.  I don't know what yet, I don't know how - but I really do need to tell my story.  I did, once, and I had a women come up to me and I knew - I knew in 3 seconds - it had happened to her too.  My courage gave her courage.  It was humbling.

I am not good at "ending" posts.  But I guess I would say this.  We really need to blow open the doors of shame in the church.  We need to find a way to make church the place to find healing.  We need to stop acting ashamed of our victims.  We do - we do it by not allowing them to speak, by not giving them a voice, by smiling politely but walking away hoping they will just shut up, by saying nothing.  We need to stop because Jesus offers so much more than that.  Jesus wants so much more for all of us.  Freedom for the captives.  Beauty for ashes.  Prisoners set free.

The doors to the prison need to be blown wide open.  The darkness needs the light of Jesus pouring in to chase the darkness away.  How do we do that?  By breaking the silence.

I'm praying about what to do next - how to create that place - how to be that person.  Trying to figure out what form that will take.  First I have to contact a friend who has asked me to speak but I have been both terrified and waiting for the day I feel like I've - I don't know - I've been perfect spiritually.  But I must find a way - because I am brave enough to talk about what was done to me - I must find a way to allow others to find that strength as well.

Moving On

I think I mentioned in my New Year's Resolution post that this year may bring a move.  It is now becoming a reality.

For those of you who know us, you know this has been coming for a very long time.  In all honesty, this place that we have lived for well over 10 years has never welcomed us with open arms.  No, I'm not going into it all - but we have never truly been happy as a family here.  We have never embraced it anymore than it has embraced us.  I've been waiting for the day we would move on for years and I think there are probably those who will be happy to see us go.

Now it's here - only we're not moving on where I thought we would be (south - warm - tropical).  Instead we are moving 45 minutes north to where Marty works and Jon goes to school.  Yesterday we were walking around downtown and for the first time, I got nervous.  For the first time, I second-guessed our decision.

But as I type this, I am reminded of the Egyptians.  They got into the desert and wanted nothing more than to turn back to Egypt - to where they were enslaved, treated poorly.  Back to their comfort zone - even though they were never comfortable.

I was talking with someone at church on Sunday and I said this stage in life is hard.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore - what I am.  I feel as if all of the friendships I once had are no longer there.  Sunday morning, during worship, the phrase "it's time to move on" kept running through my head.  I was trying to figure out if that was a God-thing or a Tami- thing.

Whatever it was, we are moving on.  There are some things I am excited about.  No one looks at us twice.  Marty is dark, I am light - and no one cares.  Anonymity is a beautiful thing.  I love the culture.  I love the international feel.  I love that I'm not going to run into someone who thinks they know us based on the lies someone else has spread in the past.  In fact, I love the fact that if we DO run into someone we know, it's because their kid had Marty as a teacher and they love him.  We will live closer to some friends, closer to my brother, closer to our families.  We won't be spending 800.00 a month on gas.

On the other hand - there are things I am nervous about.  Where will we go to church?  I hate "breaking in" a new church.  HATE IT.  But it's funny - Jon - JON - has already been working on that!  Never saw that coming!  He went to the EMU lock in with our church we attend now and met some kids from a youth group up there.  He has been asking his friends at school where they go to church.  See - now that is a good thing.

I am concerned about the liberalism in AA.  The acceptance is great - but there is also a downside to that - where there is tolerance for everything BUT bible-believing Christians.  It does make me a little nervous.

It's a transition phase in life.  We are not going to buy a home there - we are going to rent.  That way, in 3 years when Jon graduates, we are free to move if we need to.  We are also going to rent out our home here - so we're looking for some awesome renters!  Also nervous about being a landlord.  Not something I thought we would ever be - but - we must.  The market is so incredibly horrible that we would lose over 50% of what we paid for our house.  Not going to happen.

Anyway.  That's where it's at.  I think I made 3 New Years goals - to lose weight, to draw close to God and to move.  I think.  It's all a slow, steady work in progress.