Nothing changes....

....if everything stays the same.

That is what I woke up thinking today.  I believe it is a message to me from God.  I hope anyway because I'm about to run with it.

Last year and the start of this year - tough thus far.  We had everything that happened in the last post.  This past week, I got some great and needed news - I was able to land a long term subbing position at my favorite building in my favorite classroom.  I was so excited.  After 2 days, the teacher, who was in the hospital, made a miraculous recovery - which - is awesome.  However, it kicked me out of the long term subbing position.  God knew, though, because the next day when I should have been in the classroom - I woke up - sicker than I've ever been.  The past 3 days I've spent in bed.  Oh -and there is still good news on that front - this past week in that classroom landed me a long term subbing position in May and June to take over for a teacher who will go on maternity leave - so - still a good thing.

Anyway - these past few days in bed have given me LOTS of time to think.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  My husband said to me this morning - "When are we going to start having fun again?" and he didn't mean the two of us - he meant as a family.

Now there are some struggles we are having as a family I can't post on here.  Don't worry - it's not my marriage although our time together as a result of this struggle has been serious hampered and has put a decent amount of strain on things.  But the timing of his statement, when I hadn't mentioned what I had woke up thinking - it was merely confirmation.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

My spiritual walk will never change if I continue to allow the toughness of life to get in the way.  If I continue to walk away from God because I can't feel him, I can't see him - I'm not mad at him - but I just am weary and when I do get in the word or pray, I hear nothing - well - I can't allow those things to pull me away.  I must keep pressing on.

Our family struggle.  I can't "fix" this issue.  But I can talk to someone about it - which I have avoided doing. I can't state here what we can do - but there are some additional steps we can take - and it's time to stop messing around and just do it.

My weight.  I can't tell you how much of a burden this is to me.  I keep talking and doing nothing.  NOTHING. I feel so stinking powerless in this area.  I'm embarrassed of myself.  I hate the way I look - but even more - I hate the way I feel.  I do not believe I would have gotten so incredibly sick this past week if not for my weight.  I really don't.  In this area especially - nothing changes if everything stays the same.  I'm not sure where to head with this - but I believe whatever I do must really change compared to what I'm doing now.  I believe this will be not just a battle - but a war within myself.  I believe food has become the only thing in my life I can control at this point - but I am allowing it to control me.  I must change.

These are the 3 areas where I feel most burdened.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  We must take actual steps in each area - stop the talk and start the walk - or nothing will be any different a year from now.  I'm sorry, but that's just not acceptable to me anymore.  I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.  I am so blessed and I know that - but I have allowed these three things to totally take away my happiness.  I've isolated myself from friends because it's just easier than being an unhappy me - I mean - who wants to be around me - around us - like this anyway??

Anyway - that's what I'm thinking.  Maybe tomorrow - maybe - I'll try to take some practical steps to move towards change.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.