What is going on???

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

I have to say folks - 2012 has not started off well.  Let me share with you some of the news we have received in the past week alone (in no particular order):

1.  Marty's Mom's cancer has returned.  The melanoma is back. 
2.  We heard some devastating news about some friends from college. Their 18 year old son took his own life and died this week. 
3.  Marty's Grandpa's brother died this week.
4.  Some friends from church had a baby 11 days ago.  Their baby stopped breathing in his mother's arms.  She was able to perform CPR and the baby is in the hospital.  Something is wrong with his little heart.
5.  Another couple from church (we don't know the kids or the baby) - their granddaughter is having some major health problems and they are praying her through every day.
6.  Elyse's best friend from high school's Mom (that was a mouth full) has had breast cancer since Elyse's freshman year.  Hospice has been called in.
7.  We have some other issues we are dealing with as a family, not to be shared on my blog. 

I do, honestly, feel as if we've entered the valley of death - where the shadow hangs all around.  I'd like to say I don't feel the evil as David claims in this Psalm - but - I do.  With every new bit of news, I grow a little more fearful.  I know that's not the way it's supposed to be and although I attempt to allow God's rod and staff to comfort me - the truth of the matter is - when I get in situations which make me fearful, I tend to just push everything (and everyone) away and kind of do this survival mode thing.  Ignore it all and maybe it will go away.  I tried this morning to read my bible and pray - but instead I feel this disconnect with God.  It's hard to explain.  Almost as if I don't want to turn to him because it makes me feel too vulnerable or something.  Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.

There is no real point to this post except to say WHAT IS GOING ON?  Although 2011 was not a great year - 2012 certainly isn't starting off well!  I hate funerals.  Let me say that again.  I. hate. funerals.  Hate. them. Call it stupid, immature, childish and selfish - but - coming face to face with death and that extreme level of grief puts me in major shut down mode.  I can't handle them.  They are part of life - but a part of life I would rather avoid at all costs.

Anyway - lots to pray about.  Lots to send me to my knees. Lot's of pain for others.  Lot's of scary times and uncertainty.  Maybe that's it right there.  I do like things predictable, I like them planned out.  I don't like surprises and I certainly don't like things I can't fix.  My list is full of things I can't fix, can't control, can't make better.  I can't take away the pain of cancer or death for someone else.  It hurts and it's going to continue to hurt.  I think that's why David says "Even though I walk through" - because that's exactly what you do.  Walk through.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.

In times like these I wish Jesus would come quickly. 

Sorry - long post.  I needed to talk this through for myself.  Thanks for sticking with me.