2010 in review

I struggle as I write this.  The truth of the matter is much of 2010 is a blur.  Too much, too fast, too everything.  I can't even remember January - March!
Let's see, 2010 we celebrated Elyse's 17th birthday, Jon's 14th, Marty's 39th and my - gulp - 40th.  We celebrated 18 amazing years of marriage.  Elyse went to Haiti on another faith filled journey.  We struggled, we learned, I hope we grew.
The end of 2010 brings hardship and I am praying for a better 2011.  The economy has hit many people hard and we are no exception.  Since August, Marty has taken a pay cut of 1,000 a month.  It has killed us financially.  We face 2011 in much financial uncertainty.  We are tired, we are worn out - we need a change.
In 2011, I must find a job which may or may not help to keep us afloat.  Elyse will move off to college (Lord willing).  Jon will enter high school.  Marty will turn 40.  I will celebrate 5 years cancer free.  (a blessing)
I struggle as of late to find much to be happy about.  My emotions are raw and my temper is edgy.  I have tried to look at the positive as I mentioned in a previous post - yet am finding it difficult.  (Thus the lack of posting).
I have always been a transparent person here on my blog.  It doesn't always earn me points or friends - but some people do send me private notes telling me they appreciate my sharing my struggles.  It is therapy for me - a way to talk through, work through, the difficult times in my life.  The funny thing is - if you met me face to face - you would see little - if any - of the me you see here.  I'm quiet, reserved, shy - private.  This is my outlet.
On that note - let me be a bit more transparent.  I find myself facing a new issue here at the end of 2010.  Trusting God.  Maybe it's always been there - an ugly remnant of my past.  I have shook my fist in His face more times than I can count in the last couple of months.  I have hit my knees, begged Him to tell me why.  I have asked Him if I haven't already suffered enough.  I have withdrawn into myself.  I don't hear His voice nor feel His touch.  What I know in my head is no longer making it's way to my heart.  Christian platitudes do nothing more than make me angry.  No, I have not given up my faith.  I have not walked away from the God who has given me so much.
But I am questioning Him.  I want answers.  I want to hear His voice.  I want Him to tell me everything is going to be okay.  But all I hear is silence.  Deafening silence.
I don't know what 2011 will bring.  I am afraid of moving forward.  Will we lose everything we have?  My daughter going off to college - whew - that's one I can't even fathom at this point.  What new challenges will we face?  How many more burdens will I carry?
Well - wasn't this just the most depressing post ever??  I'm sorry.  I just needed to put it out there.  If you see me - or if you don't (more likely when I'm in a funk) - just know it's not you.  It's me.  I'm on an island and I'm trying to figure this whole thing called life out.  I feel change coming - growth in the midst of the storm.  The storm has brought me to my knees and I have nothing left to give.  I know in my head that is where God will find me - or rather - I will find Him.  At least I hope so because I really can't deal with a whole lot more.