Nothing changes....

....if everything stays the same.

That is what I woke up thinking today.  I believe it is a message to me from God.  I hope anyway because I'm about to run with it.

Last year and the start of this year - tough thus far.  We had everything that happened in the last post.  This past week, I got some great and needed news - I was able to land a long term subbing position at my favorite building in my favorite classroom.  I was so excited.  After 2 days, the teacher, who was in the hospital, made a miraculous recovery - which - is awesome.  However, it kicked me out of the long term subbing position.  God knew, though, because the next day when I should have been in the classroom - I woke up - sicker than I've ever been.  The past 3 days I've spent in bed.  Oh -and there is still good news on that front - this past week in that classroom landed me a long term subbing position in May and June to take over for a teacher who will go on maternity leave - so - still a good thing.

Anyway - these past few days in bed have given me LOTS of time to think.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  My husband said to me this morning - "When are we going to start having fun again?" and he didn't mean the two of us - he meant as a family.

Now there are some struggles we are having as a family I can't post on here.  Don't worry - it's not my marriage although our time together as a result of this struggle has been serious hampered and has put a decent amount of strain on things.  But the timing of his statement, when I hadn't mentioned what I had woke up thinking - it was merely confirmation.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

My spiritual walk will never change if I continue to allow the toughness of life to get in the way.  If I continue to walk away from God because I can't feel him, I can't see him - I'm not mad at him - but I just am weary and when I do get in the word or pray, I hear nothing - well - I can't allow those things to pull me away.  I must keep pressing on.

Our family struggle.  I can't "fix" this issue.  But I can talk to someone about it - which I have avoided doing. I can't state here what we can do - but there are some additional steps we can take - and it's time to stop messing around and just do it.

My weight.  I can't tell you how much of a burden this is to me.  I keep talking and doing nothing.  NOTHING. I feel so stinking powerless in this area.  I'm embarrassed of myself.  I hate the way I look - but even more - I hate the way I feel.  I do not believe I would have gotten so incredibly sick this past week if not for my weight.  I really don't.  In this area especially - nothing changes if everything stays the same.  I'm not sure where to head with this - but I believe whatever I do must really change compared to what I'm doing now.  I believe this will be not just a battle - but a war within myself.  I believe food has become the only thing in my life I can control at this point - but I am allowing it to control me.  I must change.

These are the 3 areas where I feel most burdened.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  We must take actual steps in each area - stop the talk and start the walk - or nothing will be any different a year from now.  I'm sorry, but that's just not acceptable to me anymore.  I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.  I am so blessed and I know that - but I have allowed these three things to totally take away my happiness.  I've isolated myself from friends because it's just easier than being an unhappy me - I mean - who wants to be around me - around us - like this anyway??

Anyway - that's what I'm thinking.  Maybe tomorrow - maybe - I'll try to take some practical steps to move towards change.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

What is going on???

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

I have to say folks - 2012 has not started off well.  Let me share with you some of the news we have received in the past week alone (in no particular order):

1.  Marty's Mom's cancer has returned.  The melanoma is back. 
2.  We heard some devastating news about some friends from college. Their 18 year old son took his own life and died this week. 
3.  Marty's Grandpa's brother died this week.
4.  Some friends from church had a baby 11 days ago.  Their baby stopped breathing in his mother's arms.  She was able to perform CPR and the baby is in the hospital.  Something is wrong with his little heart.
5.  Another couple from church (we don't know the kids or the baby) - their granddaughter is having some major health problems and they are praying her through every day.
6.  Elyse's best friend from high school's Mom (that was a mouth full) has had breast cancer since Elyse's freshman year.  Hospice has been called in.
7.  We have some other issues we are dealing with as a family, not to be shared on my blog. 

I do, honestly, feel as if we've entered the valley of death - where the shadow hangs all around.  I'd like to say I don't feel the evil as David claims in this Psalm - but - I do.  With every new bit of news, I grow a little more fearful.  I know that's not the way it's supposed to be and although I attempt to allow God's rod and staff to comfort me - the truth of the matter is - when I get in situations which make me fearful, I tend to just push everything (and everyone) away and kind of do this survival mode thing.  Ignore it all and maybe it will go away.  I tried this morning to read my bible and pray - but instead I feel this disconnect with God.  It's hard to explain.  Almost as if I don't want to turn to him because it makes me feel too vulnerable or something.  Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.

There is no real point to this post except to say WHAT IS GOING ON?  Although 2011 was not a great year - 2012 certainly isn't starting off well!  I hate funerals.  Let me say that again.  I. hate. funerals.  Hate. them. Call it stupid, immature, childish and selfish - but - coming face to face with death and that extreme level of grief puts me in major shut down mode.  I can't handle them.  They are part of life - but a part of life I would rather avoid at all costs.

Anyway - lots to pray about.  Lots to send me to my knees. Lot's of pain for others.  Lot's of scary times and uncertainty.  Maybe that's it right there.  I do like things predictable, I like them planned out.  I don't like surprises and I certainly don't like things I can't fix.  My list is full of things I can't fix, can't control, can't make better.  I can't take away the pain of cancer or death for someone else.  It hurts and it's going to continue to hurt.  I think that's why David says "Even though I walk through" - because that's exactly what you do.  Walk through.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.

In times like these I wish Jesus would come quickly. 

Sorry - long post.  I needed to talk this through for myself.  Thanks for sticking with me.

Kindle Fire Give Away - I want one of these :)

Possible Changes in 2012

2012 will bring change.  I'm writing this post so that a year from now, I can look back and see where God has taken us.  Here are some things that may - or may not - change in 2012.  They are things that right now, I can see changing - but as we know - "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  (Proverbs 16:9).  Looking forward to God-directed steps.

First - I am seriously considering an extended Facebook break.  It is my way of communicating with many people.  However.  It wastes a lot of time, upsets me some of the time and takes me away from things that my time would be better served at.  I have yet to commit to this in my head and heart - but it's up for consideration at this point.

Second - My health.  I'm tired of talking about it.  Tired of making grand plans that never succeed.  We all know, myself better than anyone, how unhappy I am with my health right now.  It, too, has deprived me of happiness.  Maybe it's time for this to make a change for the better.  Maybe less time on Facebook and more time on my health.  No lofty commitments right now, no goals - just something I want to begin to put more focus to and see where it takes me.

Third - We may be moving. We have begun making calls and inquiring about what to do next.  We have contacted realtors here and in Ann Arbor,  My son needs us to do this and right now, that is a priority.  Honestly I don't know if it's possible - but we have at least begun to research it.  Our biggest problem is our house has lost over half it's value, we have nothing set aside to move with. We may have to short sale our home and lose major money.  We will most likely rent in Ann Arbor and finding a 3 bedroom, pet friendly home within 10 miles of Pioneer to rent - that we can actually afford - well - it's not likely.  Buying is an option but my concern is if we have to short sale our home here, that destroys your credit meaning no mortgages for a couple of years.  It's going to take a God move to make it happen - but we feel it is what is best for the long term health and happiness of our youngest.  I would like to move there for Jon - but also to get closer to family.  My brother lives in Brighton and works in Ann Arbor.  It would be really nice to live close to him for a change.  That has not happened since I left home when he was 12.

Well - that's the big 3 for now.  Unfortunately need to run and don't have time to add another one.  Maybe I'll add later.  We'll see what the future holds!

You say goodbye, I say hello

It's almost New Year's Eve.  I haven't written a blog post in...well...forever.  So - here goes nothing.

2011.  Let's recap:

1.  Elyse graduated high school and entered college.  Bittersweet.  So proud of her for all she has accomplished.  Yet - saying goodbye - is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.  Quite frankly - it's quite sucky.  Sorry for using that term - but there is no better way to say it.  Love having her home on her breaks now but boy do I miss her when she's not here. She is doing brilliantly at school - finding out who she is and loving life.  She calls Minneapolis home now.  I remember those days.  It's quite odd being the parent.  It hurts when she calls someplace else home - yet - at the same time - it's those words that make me see she is exactly where she needs to be.

2.  Jon turned 15.  He went from playing premier travel soccer since the age of 5 to quitting soccer all together.  He finished a very difficult 8th grade year at an impossible school (at no fault of his own) and moved on to be a freshman at a school that actually strives to see him succeed.  He isn't playing high school soccer and that is a shock.  He's trying out for football next year.  He's grown several inches and gained several pounds.  He's turning into a man right in front of my eyes.  Much change in his life.  I am proud of him.  It's not always easy for him - and he is doing good.  He is brave, courageous and a compassionate young man. 


3.  Marty quit coaching soccer.  Best.  Decision.  Ever.  We are done - DONE - dealing with all the politics that travel soccer has involved over the years.  Done with - well - a lot.  HUGE relief.  Huge stressor gone in our lives.  Did I say what a great decision this was?  The best.  At times, it's hard to believe how much soccer controlled our lives.  Now that we are free of it's death grip - we are better for it.  Still teaching up at Pioneer.  Another good thing.  Deepening some friendships up there slowly but surely.  It's a good thing.

4.  I started working full time.  Teaching Special Education.  Not having the best couple of months physically.  I haven't shared it with many people but the truth of the matter is right now I'm dealing with some health issues.  I've been having these sudden spells where the room spins violently, my head feels like someone has tasered it and my ears feel like I'm being held under water.  It lasts 30 seconds to a minute and goes away.  It started in November and continues.  I finally saw a Dr. this past week.  She has ordered some tests.  We'll see what happens.  My thyroid is out of whack and causing more weight gain.  Not fun.  Never thought I would see the weight I'm at now. Embarrassing, humiliating, debilitating, depressing.

Overall, I see 2011 as a tough one.  I can't honestly look back and see much more than struggle.  Struggle financially, struggle health wise, struggle emotionally.  Both kids have struggled.  It has been hard.  I have failed to see God's hands at times - yet at others - I feel his comfort.  I have had to lean heavily on him so many times this year.  He is faithful.  He is always faithful.

2012.  What will it hold?  I want my health to be better.  I want to find joy where there has been pain.  I want to walk through the valley with my head held high and remember God has a bigger and better plan than where I am now.  I want to draw closer to my Father, to my husband, to my children.  I want to get used to this new "norm" of being a parent of a child in college and a parent of a child in high school.  I want to learn to get on my knees first instead of worrying and fretting.  I want to see the mighty move of God in my life - in whatever way He sees fit.  I want to obey quicker, listen closer, respond faster.  I want to hear more, see more, do more.  I want to find a way to see in the darkness where I haven't found my way.  I want to be a happier person - one who does not get so easily dragged down by the tough stuff in my life.  I want to smile more.  I want to change a life for the better - my own but more important - someone else's.  I want to write more.  I want to find purpose more.  I want more than making it through day by day.  I want to LIVE and not just survive.  I want more.

I say goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012.  What will the future hold?

Beautiful Things

There are many beautiful things in life.  Sunsets, beaches, turquoise waters.  The first snowfall, a pine grove forest, mountains.  Rays of sunshine in unexpected places, a child's smile.  God has truly made this world a beautiful place if we choose to look in the right direction.

I spent some time recently in a unique classroom.  As my friends know, I've been picking up more and more special education subbing jobs.  I was intimidated at first - unsure of myself, lacking confidence, feeling like I didn't have enough knowledge to reach out to these hurting kids.  What would I do when chaos ensued?  Would I be able to handle it?

I've had cabinets cleared and my head barely missed, I've been kicked at, my hair pulled, "advances" by young boys who just don't understand what they are doing or saying.  I leave most days with a headache and tears.  Every day, I work very hard.  Some days are better than others.  I've had times where kids have screeched the entire day.  I've had many days I've stared into blank and empty eyes.  I've been called some nasty names and I've been called some beautiful ones as well.

When I was younger, I would have thought all of these things would have sent me running in fear or leaving in anger.  But that's not the case.  When you know children are lost inside their own heads - you can take just about anything.  I pray through every day, arrive early to sit at each individual desk and pray if at all possible.  I often walk by a child who seems to live in another reality and whisper a gentle prayer for their complete and total healing.  I don't know that I could make it through some days without being in constant communication with my father.

I see beauty every day I work with one of these amazing children.  I see it when they connect with me - if only for a moment.  I see it in their kind words and their beautiful smiles.  I see it when they are throwing the biggest fit you've ever seen, and a gentle touch on their arm or hand grabs their attention and they suddenly quiet.  I see it when they do a math problem correctly or write a word I can understand.  I see it when they take their magnet letters and after spending an entire day making no sense at all, suddenly write out words in their letters such as "True Love Kisses". 

There are many beautiful things in this world - but these moments I cherish.  I think of this verse - and although it doesn't apply completely - it does remind me of these kids:  I Corinthians 13:12:  We don't yet see things clearly.  We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!  We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly as He knows us."

They don't see things clearly.  You can tell by looking in their eyes.  They are squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long!  One day - and one day soon - the weather will clear and the son (intended) will shine bright.  They'll see it then - as clearly as God sees them - and they will know Him directly - as directly as He knows them.

To me - that is a beautiful thing.

Ticket to Ride

I play this game called Ticket To Ride.  If you've never played it before - you should.  It's addicting.  Basically the idea is to make it from one place to another on a map.  You are given destination tickets and trains. If you fail to make it from point A to point B before you or someone else runs out of trains, you are deducted points.  You play with other people who are also trying to make it to their destinations and sometimes your route gets blocked.

Today I was playing - relaxing - and a thought occurred to me.

Sometimes life is like my Ticket To Ride game.  Sometimes the path from point A to point B is easy, not met with any resistance.  Sometimes you sail right through, nothing gets in your way.  Sometimes, though, the path from point A to point B is not so clear.  Things block your view, circumstances force you to turn a different direction than you were originally intending on going.  Sometimes, you don't make it to your destination at all.

Those times are hard.  Times when you get thrown off the direction you were heading or the direction you were taking your family.  Jobs, kids, illness, money - it can all throw you off track and de-rail your train.  Sometimes we have to take detours to get where we are going.  Sometimes it seems that no matter what direction we turn, something else stands in our way.

But in those times, a verse comes to mind.  Romans 8:28.  Most of us know it - but for those of us who don't - it goes like this:  For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In all things.  In all circumstances.  In all the stuff of life that threatens to drown and overwhelm us.  When we can't see his mighty hand - it is then that He holds us up - or - sends others to come alongside and be our strength.  All things - loss, bad finances, dead dreams, hurts, struggles, depression, and the list goes - but in all things God is working for the good of those who love Him.

We have been called for a purpose - His purpose - and no matter where the road takes us - no matter what throws us off our intended path - He loves us.  Even though we sometimes can not see where to turn next, when the pain threatens to drown - He is still there - taking us around, over, under - through.

This post is for me as much as it's for anyone else.  I needed this reminder.  Maybe you do too.