Choose Life

I was sickened and saddened today as the news came out of Connecticut.  20 dead children.  20 babies, daughters and sons, future teachers, lawyers, Dr.'s,  football players, ballet dancers, band members, artists, Lego builders, hopscotch players.  Gone.  Just like that.  20 sets of parents who dropped their child off at school just like every other day.  20 kids looking forward to Christmas, to the arrival of Santa, to presents under the tree.  20 parents whose children will never open those gifts.  Devastation.  Horror.  Tragedy.
Sickness.
I was a substitute teacher for 2 years in elementary rooms.  My husband is a high school teacher.  We know the school environment.  We know the dedication of school staff.  We know the hearts of people who would, without question, put their lives on the line for those children. You prepare - but you can never be prepared.
There truly are no words.  It's not fair.  It's not right.  It isn't.  It doesn't make sense.  I - quite honestly - do not understand why God allowed this to happen.  Where was He when those little babies were oh so afraid?  There are no easy answers.
What I am going to say next will not be popular but it struck me today when I was grieving this horrible tragedy.
Choose life.
Can I ask you a question?
Why is this any different than the millions of babies killed by abortion?  Why - why is that okay?  Why?
My heart grieves.
20 kids today.  Gone.  Their lives taken from them by a senseless act.  Millions of babies - gone - from a senseless and selfish act.
Oh how must our father in heaven grieve.  Just as those parents tonight will grieve - He grieves.
Sickened.  Saddened.  Our world just isn't the same.  This isn't supposed to happen.
Choose Life.

Reflections

I am a lousy blogger!  Goodness, it's been too long!

And on that note - this will be a long one folks so fasten your seat belt and thanks for going along for the ride :)

2012.  What can we say about 2012?  This is a tad early - a month before Christmas - but I have the notion to write, so write I will.

It was a very long year.  Many good things and many difficult things.

I set some goals last New Years.  I believe there were 3.  I don't remember one out of the 3 - but I remember 2.  First was getting my weight down and second was improving my spiritual walk.

Let's start with the positive.

Around February I got really sick.  As in stuck in bed, could NOT breathe, asthma out of control.  I thought I had pneumonia but it turned out just to be a bad cold and a massively long (like a week) asthma attack.  Anyway, it put me in bed and out cold.  I couldn't bend over without feeling like I was going to pass let alone do anything productive.  During that week, I was depressed.  I KNEW a lot of it had to do with my weight.  I happened upon a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" - and that, my friends, was pretty much how I felt.

2 weeks later I had bought myself a juicer and began my journey.  1 month later, I was down 30 pounds and began a couch to 5k program - on a broken toe and in a walking boot for 15 weeks.  (Let's just not talk about that experience - never kick a dishwasher in anger)

Now I am down 40.  It was down 50 but the last month of holiday-eating-like-crap-and-not-running-and-changing-my-thyroid-meds has resulted in a 10 pound gain - but we'll get to that in a moment.

I ran (as in no walking!) my first 5k on my 42nd birthday this year.  It was an awesome experience and I am so thankful to my hubby, my sister and my brother-in-law who never stopped believing in me.  I'll never forget the very first run (training run).  2 minutes!  2 minutes and I had a huge asthma attack, I went to the car and thought I'd never do it again.  That is a distant memory now.  For the first time in my life, when I crossed that finish line - I was proud of myself - of how far I've come.

Now I have to remember that feeling and get back on track - but at least now - now I know what I AM capable of.  And I know it's so much more than I give myself credit for.  But that's a resolution for next year.  Take off another 50 pounds, run a few more 5k's and start training for a 10k.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This year was tough parenting wise.  Our kids went through some difficult times.  If your a Mom - you know when your kids suffer - so do you.  I'm not going to share their struggles here - that is up to them in their time and in their way - but suffice to say it was difficult for all of us.

I have struggled spiritually for the last year.  I have gone to places with God I have not been in a very long time.  I have questioned Him - questioned his goodness, questioned his presence, questioned my trust in him.  It has not been easy.  I don't know that I have received any answers - but I find one thing interesting along the way.  No matter what - no matter the depth I go or the anger I feel or the frustration and hurt in my life - I find myself turning to him.  In my anger, in my frustration, in my tears, in my hurt, in my pain - I yell, I scream, I cry - but I talk to my Father.  It has been hard and I still feel distant.  I feel my prayers hit the ceiling and I don't feel an every day presence kind of thing.  But I know that we will cross this bridge and I will be better for it.  That's part of the resolution for next year.  Find my place in God.  Figure out who I am in Him and what He wants me to do in this life.

We moved this past year!  Finally left Bedford and moved to Ann Arbor.  I have yet to have time to enjoy it as I also picked up a full time job.  That's another story for another post but I have been employed full time since July.  WOW is it CRAZY!  I have a WHOLE NEW appreciation for career women!  I've always thought you were all nuts (sorry) but now I struggle being one of you.  It's tough!  I have yet to find the balance - but I'm working on it.  I am happy to be in Ann Arbor even though I haven't found time to enjoy it.  We moved just outside the city and I love our new house.  Our landlord is AWESOME, the property is beautiful, the nature preserve right next door - wow - we are blessed.  We found renters for our old home (although they are struggling so please pray for them if you would).  Everything worked out so perfect - and I know that's a God thing.

The one thing we haven't found in A2 is a church.  It hit me today that we've been here since July - but still no church home.  We are gone on weekends - a lot.  If we are going to find one to call home, we need to stay put on the weekends.  I'll throw this in here - teenagers - don't always like to go to church.  That has been difficult so I ask that you would pray with me we could find one that our teenager falls in love with and wants to go to.  We need it.  I need it.  Boy, do I need it.

Well - I hate to end so abruptly (lol) - but I must go back to work.  Thanks for reading this far. I'll do my best - as always - to post more - but the truth of the matter is I have not a lot of time.  Maybe I'll post an update soon about my kiddos for those family and friends still here. 

Thanks for continuing to read a blog that is never updated.  Thanks for making it allllll the way to the end of this post! Thanks for allowing me to keep it real and loving me anyway.  I pray you all have a blessed CHRISTmas season this year.

Couch to 5k & Susan G Komen Race for the Cure

GUESS WHAT????

I DID IT!!  I ran my first 5k today!  Ran every step of the thing!

Just can't believe that  7 months ago, I was 50 pounds heavier, sick with pneumonia, on steroids to help me to breathe and totally, completely miserable.

Never - EVER - in my life - did I EVER think I would run a RACE!!  Shoot - I could hardly walk to the mailbox without needing my inhaler (exageration - but walking up and down stairs really bothered my asthma).

Tonight I sit on my computer typing out this post - a RUNNER BABY!!  WOO HOO!

It started with a broken foot.  I couldn't WALK let alone run.  I walked for 2 months, 3 days a week before I could even begin to run.  Then, the first time I did the "run" portion (2 minutes) (and let's translate that - in 15 seconds - 15 SECONDS - I was in tears, I was seeing spots, sucking on my inhaler and begging God to make it stop!) - I got in the car and went home.

Now?  Now I can run the full 3.1 miles!  Not fast by any stretch of the imagination (didn't come in last -but wasn't far from it!!) - but I didn/t walk a single step.

SO - the moral of THIS story?  YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!

Trust me - if I can - you can.  I promise.  Was it hard?  Yep.  Did it require a total change of lifestyle?  You bet it did.  Did others kick and scream about the time I spent jogging?  Yeah, they did at times.  Did it hurt?  Oh yeah - most of the time.  Did I want to quit?  Every other session.  I can't tell you how many times I said "I will NEVER be able to run a full 30 minutes straight!" But today - TODAY I ran 45 minutes straight.

If you know me, you know arrogant is not a word that describes me - but tonight - tonight I am proud.  Proud that I didn't give up all the times I wanted to.  Proud that I stuck with something.  Proud - that for once in my life - I didn't just TALK about it - but did it.  Proud that today I had a race number on my chest (and a tutu on my waist!), running shoes on my feet, my beautiful sister beside me, my hubby & brother in-law running the race with me and my friends and family there to support and cheer me on.  I DID IT!!!

It was so worth it.  I promise you - every tear, every doubt, every fear, every run in the rain, every run in the blazing heat this summer (and there were oh so many of those), every asthma attack, every sore ankle, every EVERYTHING was alllllll worth it in the end.

I'm hooked.  Addicted.  Sunk - lol!!  I've already comitted to my next race in one month and another one in November.  This week I start a new routine to get my speed up and some more weight off so that every race this season, I can cut my time.  Next summer I will continue to run 5k's - but I'm thinking tht maybe, just maybe, an 8k or 10k might be in my future.  WHY NOT?? 

Because now - now I know something I didn't know before.

If you set your mind to something - and you follow your dreams with action - well then you can do anything. 

Even at 42 years old.

Thanks sis for believing a year ago that even I could do this.  I love you :)

I am a runner

It's been too long - again.  Not sure if anyone is still left reading :(  I apologize to those of you who left me some beautiful and helpful comments that I just realized were awaiting my approval.  Thank you.  You are so sweet :)

Several months ago - back in March - I began to walk (literally) a journey.  I was overweight, I had a broken foot, I was unhappy and feeling quite hopeless.  It started with a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  That's how I felt.  I was fat, I got sick - maybe not nearly dead - but some days - it sure felt like it.  I was not in a good place and not headed in a good direction.

I began juicing.  Juiced for a month - lost a mess of weight.  Beyond that - I have always wanted to run a race.  Even when I was thin, I was never much of an athlete.  I wanted to be one, I dreamed of being one, I talked about being one, researched being one - but I never actually WAS one.  I did some boxing for a while and I did love that - but it didn't last long.

My sister - my inspiration - began running a year ago.  I promised her I would run a race with her last year - but never did.  So this year - I decided a couple of things.

Number one - I wasn't going to make another promise I didn't plan on keeping.  Number two - I wasn't going to talk anymore about running a race.  I was going to actually RUN one. 

It just  so happened the Susan B Koman race - the same race I promised my sister I would run a year ago and didn't - falls on my birthday this year.  So - way back in March - I started a program.  Couch to 5k.  I did a conservative one I found on the Internet.

I remember my first "run" well.  Too well.  The way the program works (the conservative approach anyway) is that you start by walking 30 minutes, three times a week for a month.  Then, you begin running - every week your run increases 2 minutes of running, lose 2 minutes of walking until you are running a full 30 minutes.   I didn't realize in the beginning that it didn't matter how you did the 2 minutes.  You didn't have to do the full 2 minutes at once - you could divide that into 30 second stints if you wanted.  So - that being said - I attempted to run the full 2 minutes my very first week.

Let's just say it didn't go to well.  I literally thought I would die.  D.I.E.  My asthma kicked in, I couldn't get it under control, I was dizzy, seeing spots - it was UGLY.  I did the 2 minutes and said forget the other 28 (walking) and I got in the car and left.

However - for the first time in my life - I didn't quit.  I can NOT believe I'm still at this thing.  I can't believe that after I got in the car that day - I determined it didn't matter how I felt, I was not finished.  I found out I could split that 2 minutes up and then the 4 minutes the next week and then the 8 minutes - and on.  Sometimes I ran 30 seconds and walked for 5 minutes before running another 30 seconds - but I continued to run.  I did not quit despite the extreme pain in my ankles, despite the continuous and scary asthma attacks, despite the feeling of not being able to take another step.  I didn't quit.  I DIDN'T QUIT.  It still amazes me.

Next Sunday - on my 42nd birthday - I will run my first 5k.  I'm praying I can actually run the entire thing.  The most I've ran straight so far is 2 miles.  But - I'm GOING to do it!  I'M GOING TO DO IT!!

I think hitting the finish line will be a very emotional experience for me.  I just can't believe I can now run 30 minutes straight.  I'm not fast (oh goodness - the best I've done so far is a 13 minute mile!), I'm not good, it's not pretty - but I am doing it.  My asthma is now under control.  I no longer suck air.  I'm still in pain - but not like I was at the beginning.  Although I'm really nervous about next Sunday - I'm - well - I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud that I have not given up, not quit, not walked away - not done what I've done for 42 years -- failed to believe I was capable of such a thing.  I have done it and this is only the beginning.

I want to encourage all of you.  I was that person reading these blogs, dreaming of the day I might do something like this.  I was that person that said I could never, that would go out and walk to the mailbox out of breath.  I was that person watching biggest loser eating a bag of chips thinking "if only I were on that show, then I would be able to do this thing".  I was that person.  I NEVER, in a million years, believed I would EVER be the person on the starting line.  Never.  Not really.

I also want to share that I am still overweight.  7 months later, a million runs later - I still have 50 more pounds to lose.  I have lost 50 and I have 50 to go.  I have done this still being overweight.  You can do it to.  I'm not going to stay overweight - that I know - but it's been a slow process.  But I have still run - and so can you.  I promise you.  If I can do it - I KNOW you can to!

I just have one thing left to say after this very long post.

I am a runner.

Confessions of a working Mom

SO :)

It's been a long, long while - again.  So - let's do a brief update if I happen to have any readers left - which I highly doubt - but hey - a girl can dream, right??

I believe I have accomplished some New Year's resolutions this year!  I think I had 3, although I would have to re-read to remember for sure.

One was to lose weight and get in shape.  I am working on it.  Lost 50 pounds, training for a 5k which will occur on my birthday at the end of September.  I am up to 26 minutes of running people!  Do you have ANY idea how awesome that is?  I never - and I mean NEVER - thought I would get HERE!

Second was to move.  We did.  2 weeks ago.  It has been crazy INSANE - but we did it.  I told my son we would - and we did.

Third - and this wasn't a New Year's resolution nor even on my radar - but God is faithful and He provided me with a new full time job at my brother's company in Ann Arbor as an "administrator" (fancy word for one who sits on her butt at a computer all day and pulls credit reports, bank statements, pay stubs, tax returns, etc, etc, etc - for those of you who have gotten mortgages).  Basically I work for a quality control company.  It is federally regulated that all mortgage companies audit 10% of their mortgages a month (I think).  We audit those mortgages.  Really we're auditing the mortgage companies and make sure they keep up with all the laws - which honestly is nearly impossible.  I pull all that information along with 3 other people.  Then we create reports which I copy and paste from the loan computer software onto word documents which gets sent to one of my bosses who goes over them, adds stuff, deletes stuff, and passes that onto the mortgage company and then we get paid.

So - now I'm a full time working Mom. In the past month, I have moved a house I lived in for 10 years, rented a new one, fixed up and rented out my old one, packed more boxes and unpacked more boxes than I ever care to pack or unpack again, moved into a  beautiful little house in Ann Arbor and started a full time job.  WHEW!  Jon started football this week, Elyse goes back to college in 3 weeks and the boys start school in about 5 weeks.  Life moves full steam ahead!

My confessions.

It's HARD to be a full time working Mom!  I'm so thankful for my amazing husband who is stepping in to replace me as house Dad.  I have no idea how we're going to do it once he goes back to school after labor day - but for now - he's cooking, he's cleaning, he's taking care of the kids, the laundry, the dog - and he's doing a great job.

I have to admit - I love my job.  I'm thankful for it, for however long it lasts. It might be temporary and it might not be.  Have to wait another 70 days or so to find out for sure.  I love it oh so much more than substitute teaching.  I sit in a little office with 4 other people who are fun and easy to work with, I have 2 chill bosses (one being my brother) and I don't have to deal with customers.  It is so perfect for me.  And I make more than I did subbing.

What I don't love about my job is how torn I feel once I get home.  When I'm at work, bringing home the bacon, I don't think about how far behind things are at home.  I don't think about the weeds or the dirty clothes or the dishes or the grocery list or the bills or the dog poop in the yard or who has to be where when or any of that.  Marty IS doing a fine job - but it's always been - well - my job.  I get home and he doesn't do the laundry the way I do, he puts the soap on the "wrong" side of the room, and...and well for the first week - I found myself - frustrated.

Until I realized it was all really petty and stupid.  It was OKAY that he was doing a terrifically awesome job.  It was OKAY that someone else can do just as a good of a job as I do - and do it differently.  It didn't mean I had stunk at it.

I miss my kids.  I miss my husband.  Heck, I miss the dog.

This is a new season.  A season of transition.  New town, new home, new job - new a lot.  But one thing remains the same.

God, God has entrusted us with all of it.  He sees something I do not - that together, as a family, we are more than capable of all of this - whatever He has planned for us here.  He brought us here - oh so faithful - I'll tell you all of that later - but God has had His hand in this every step of the way.  God knows that we are here - in His plan.  In his purpose.  I'm excited to see that unfold - to embrace the new, to figure out how to make it work - to find a new church, to meet new friends, to step out in faith in whatever way God wishes me too.

I'll just go along for the ride.

Goodbye Bedford

Long time, no post.  Pretty normal anymore!

In less than 2 weeks, we will be leaving the home we have lived in for almost 12 years.  We moved here when Elyse went to Kindergarten and now she will be a sophomore in college.  Jon was a baby and is now a sophomore in high school.  My how things have changed.

There have been so many blessings - too many to recall and give them proper due.  My kids - wow - have they grown.  They truly are good kids.  It was easier in so many ways when they were small - yet they make me proud every single day.  We moved here and there was so little they could do on their own - they were so dependent on us.  Now - now they are individuals, with their likes, their dislikes, their gifts and talents - both very able to handle life independently.  We are so blessed at the young people they are becoming.  I consider myself blessed beyond measure.

I think the biggest blessing of the last 12 years was our church which led us to the cross.  Our marriage was saved, our kids were saved and baptized, our daughter called into the ministry.  There has been much spiritual growth in our family over the past 12 years.  There is always room for more growth - but we are not the same people we were when we moved here 12 years ago.  We are grateful for the influence of God's people and God's church in our kids lives and in our lives.

We have had many ministry opportunities while here.  We have learned from all of them.  We have worked with international students who have grown our love for world missions and for this beautiful world God has given us.  We have worked with teenagers, young adults, Special Olympics,  kids,  worship, and so many things I can't even think of in this moment.  All have caused us to grow and in every situation, we have been more blessed than the blessing we were to be.  I am thankful for all the experiences we have had while here.  They have grown us closer to Jesus and have made us more like Him.

Our marriage - oh how it has grown.  I think the tougher experiences pulled us closer together.  12 years ago we moved here, wondering if our marriage would survive.  So much has changed.  We have made it and now we have one of the most solid marriages of anyone I know.  We are so deeply in love with each other.  I would have never seen that 12 years ago.

We have survived cancer, job changes, financial gain and financial loss, moves from house to house, being ridiculed, lied about - so many hard, tough things - yet we have grown from each of them.

We have made many good friends.  Aaron and Lois - oh how special you both are to me.  I will miss both of you and your beautiful families.  I am thankful for how you have both stuck by my side through everything.  I am thankful that through it all, despite of me, you have loved me anyway and believed in my, in my family, in my children.  You truly have made my life richer just from being in it.

I am thankful for all the girls I have coached in soccer.  For Carlee, for Lauren, for Bethany, Ryan - the list goes on forever and I don't want to leave anyone out.  I have watched all of you grow from immature high school girls to mature young women who have beautiful families and beautiful lives.  I am so proud of each of you and am thankful to God for the time we spent together.  Those were truly good times for me. Thank you for being a light in my life then and even now.  I do love you all.  I am thankful for Alana - for coaching with me - for Peggy - again - for coaching with me.  I was and am so blessed to have 2 young women who are some of the finest young women I know work alongside of me.  You guys kept things light, kept me on track and focused.  Now I count you both as friends and I am thankful for you.  I am thankful for Bill Regnier who gave me the opportunity to coach.  I am thankful he put up with my stubbornness and inability to be flexible at times :)  I am thankful for Pat Mull who believed in all of my girls as well - who took care of so many details for me and for the girls.  You guys are the best.

I am thankful for Nate & Wendy, Rick & Beth, Mike & Pam.  Where would we be without your Godly leadership in our lives - especially so many years ago.  Thank you for loving Jesus and loving us because of it.

I am thankful for this home we are now about to hand to someone else (still looking if you are interested!).  It has seen much laughter, tears, fear, pain, joy.  The moment I walked into it, I knew it would be ours.  It may be small - but it has been home and our family has grown in it.  I am thankful for it and for our neighbors who have always been so good to us.

Well this post is going on forever.  Thank you Bedford for all the good times.  It's time to say goodbye and make some new memories.  Our door is always open and you are always welcome.  Let this not be goodbye but see you soon.   

Running Thoughts

I realize I haven't blogged in - well - forever.  I have no apologies and no excuses - it's just the way life rolls sometimes!


So - I have no idea if I've talked about this but I'm training for a 5k currently using a conservative couch to 5k program I found on beginner triathlete.com.  I am glad I went the conservative route for 110 reasons - none of which I will share for now :)  It was a good approach for me and I might actually be running 30 minutes straight by the end of it.  I doubt it some days - but I've come a long, long way from being a couch potato to somewhat of a runner or at least a runner in training.

My training has brought me to some conclusions about a few things.  In particular, about a certain group of people.

There is a local running shop that shall remain nameless.  I tried to get shoes there once several years ago - back when all I did was think about exercise but never really did it.  I was overweight then too.  Personally I feel overweight people who brave walking into a running shop should be congratulated, rewarded, encouraged - but that was not the mentality of this local running shop.  It was all they could do to contain their laughter (and, in fact, one young man did laugh as he stood behind the counter).  They lost a good customer that day and plenty more because I recommend another shop every time someone asks - and because I'm overweight and getting in shape - plenty of people ask.

So.  Fast forward to present day.  We have a local park we do almost all of our runs at.  I won't say where 'cause well, this is Internet land and I prefer not to be pulled off a trail at said running park and kidnapped or something - but we go there several days a week to run.  Local running shop also has a local running club that trains at this same park.  Last time I ran, I came oh so close to shoving one of them off the path.  Oh. so. close.

They run either all decked out in the latest running gear or with as minimal clothing as possible with their skinny running bodies flying down the path.  They TAKE OVER the path.  If you don't get out of their way, they will run you over.  They are not nice, don't let you know when they are going to pass, just run with arrogant smirks on their faces and everyone just moves out of their way.  Sometimes, when the weather is cooler, they all wear the same t-shirt advertising their running shop.  Oh how cute. (sarcasm)

Anyway - the point is this.  Next time - next time - I will not move.  I may not be a runner yet but I am a truck and it will hurt if they do not get out of my way.  I promise, it will hurt.  It may hurt me as much, but I will take great pleasure in seeing their skinny little half naked bodies fly across the trail.  Honestly, they need to be humbled.  (I really am not sure if I'm kidding or not - that's how angry it makes me)

I get tired of the arrogance.  The arrogance that says I'm not as important as they are because I'm slow and struggling and barely breathing and heavy.  The arrogance that says they own the place and I'm  not as cool as they are.  The arrogance that says they know more than me, are better than me, can run faster than me, and somehow deserve more recognition than me.  It's all there in their stupid little smiles and inability to share the trail.

I know, I've lost it - but I swear it's true.

I work hard.  I work so hard when I run.  I am in pain every single run.  I have asthma and every single run, I feel as if I am trying to breathe under water. I am running with 60 extra pounds on my frame (down almost 50, I might add).  I deserve respect - regardless of my size.  I deserve respect because I have the courage to step out on that trail with those idiots and run anyway even though they act as if I do not belong.  I do belong.  I may be slow, but I am worthy of their respect simply because I try.

So - if you, like me, are an overweight person who is trying to change their body - good for you.  Keep going - and don't let anyone intimidate you.  You deserve more.  Prove them wrong by not quitting.  And,  if you live in my area - feel free to stand strong and make them give up the path.

And that, my friends, is my 2 cents.  Aren't you glad I'm back?? :)

Update!

First - let me apologize - I had a few comments some wonderful readers left a long while ago that I had yet to approve only because I haven't been on here since spring break.  I am sorry :(  If you are still there - thanks for stopping by and for commenting - it's always wonderful to know someone actually READS this blog!!

Second - let's just give you an update on life!

Elyse - finished her first year at NCU!  CRAZY!  We are so stinking proud of her.  She is such a blessing to this Mom!  I flew out last week to meet my in-laws in Minneapolis and we brought her home.  She, once again, did great, got awesome grades, met some terrific friends and loved her life in Minneapolis.  She is slowly adjusting to being home - I remember - it's a tough adjustment.  She misses  her friends and there are already plans for at least one of them to come stay with us for a week to visit.  How fun :)  Seems like it was just yesterday when I went home to meet Marty's family in college - and look what a huge blessing that has turned out to be! God is so faithful!

Jon - 6 more weeks and I'll have a sophomore in high school and a 16 year old!  Lord help us - lol :)  He has done some major growing up this year.  At the start of the year, he was short enough for me to rest my chin on his head and he weighed under 100 pounds - or right at 100.  That is all no more.  His voice has changed, he is taller than me and he clocks in at close to 140 pounds!  He loves his new school and is planning on going out for football in the fall.  He has worked very hard this school year and has come a long way.  He, too, is a blessing to us.

Marty - let's see.  He's been busy teaching as always.  We had a little scare right around spring break - he was bumped from his teaching position.  I don't know why I worry though, God always knows what the future holds and another science teacher is retiring which secured Marty's position for at least next year.  He's also picked up quite a bit on the metal scrapping.  He loves it - I don't understand it - but if it makes him happy, it makes me happy!

Me - WELL :)  I don't know what I wrote last but the weight loss journey continues!  I have yet to miss a day on my couch to 5k training.  I have added weight lifting and working out with a friend at least one day a week as well.  The weight continues to be stubborn and I have been stuck for well over a month at the same weight - but I just keep pressing on.  I have become totally vegetarian now.  Working on eliminating all processed foods - but let's just say that is not as easy as cutting out the meat was!  Being a thyroid cancer survivor has it's pitfalls and a horrible metabolism is one of them!

US - working on moving to Ann Arbor - the goal is to be there by this fall.  AND - we are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary later this month!  WOO HOO!  I'll write more on that later - but let's just say I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to be married to Marty.  I can't wait to celebrate 20 years - we are more in love now than we were 20 years ago. 

Well my friends - there's your update.  It's a long one and I'll do my best to start writing more often.  Our home computer died so my time on the computer is now limited to when Marty is home from school with his laptop.  But - I will try my hardest to at least post once a week or so!

Thanks for reading this huge long post :)

Shatter the Silence

It's been, again, forever, since I've written anything on this blog.  Life just happens.

Anyway - we're on vacation in Minneapolis with our beautiful daughter.  Little man is in Texas visiting his Grandparents.  I've had some time to pick up a book on my kindle called "Rid of my disgrace".  Here are some quotes:

"The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing."

"There is an epidemic of sexual assault, and victims need the kind of hope and help that only the gospel of Jesus Christ can provide.  Tragically, most churches and Christians are woefully unprepared to help the one in four women and one in six men who have been abused sexually.  Worse still, many Christian leaders (including parents) are ignorant of this epidemic because ashamed victims are reticent to simply declare what has been done to them, and untrained leaders do not recognize the signs of sexual assault or know how to inquire lovingly of victims."

I've thought a lot about this in the past - the silence that runs so deep in this topic.  Let me share some of my experiences, without bitterness, of what has happened to me at various times when I have tried to share my past. 

I've had stupidity.  I've been told I must have wanted it if I stayed in the home and didn't run away.  This being told to me by the mother of my first college boyfriend.  I wish I had known then what I know now.  Anyway - without bitterness :)  I've had pity (which I struggle with).  I've had genuine concern - friends who have allowed me to share even though they do not understand.  I've had the loving, gentle touch of my husband who has coaxed me out of my shell, has given me wings to fly, has protected and cherished me and has kissed, so to speak, my scars.  I've had silence.  I've had people who say nothing - but in their saying nothing, say everything.  I've had people who just plain don't know how to respond.

No one likes to talk about the reality of sexual abuse - and especially not in the church.  It hurts too much.  It is graphic - it is raw.  It is very raw.  Most wish to push it under a rug and hope it will go away - hope the victims will stay silent so that they don't make people uncomfortable.  Some think a victims past should stay - in the past.  Christ does, indeed, make all things new - but the making of new things requires the shedding of old.

I talk about my past more than most - but honestly, I don't talk about it enough.  I wonder just how many women I sit next to on Sunday morning who are just waiting for someone to notice, to say something.  I wonder how many women - and men - wish they could just be set free of something that has held them captive for so very long.

Reading this book makes me realize there is more to do.  I don't know what yet, I don't know how - but I really do need to tell my story.  I did, once, and I had a women come up to me and I knew - I knew in 3 seconds - it had happened to her too.  My courage gave her courage.  It was humbling.

I am not good at "ending" posts.  But I guess I would say this.  We really need to blow open the doors of shame in the church.  We need to find a way to make church the place to find healing.  We need to stop acting ashamed of our victims.  We do - we do it by not allowing them to speak, by not giving them a voice, by smiling politely but walking away hoping they will just shut up, by saying nothing.  We need to stop because Jesus offers so much more than that.  Jesus wants so much more for all of us.  Freedom for the captives.  Beauty for ashes.  Prisoners set free.

The doors to the prison need to be blown wide open.  The darkness needs the light of Jesus pouring in to chase the darkness away.  How do we do that?  By breaking the silence.

I'm praying about what to do next - how to create that place - how to be that person.  Trying to figure out what form that will take.  First I have to contact a friend who has asked me to speak but I have been both terrified and waiting for the day I feel like I've - I don't know - I've been perfect spiritually.  But I must find a way - because I am brave enough to talk about what was done to me - I must find a way to allow others to find that strength as well.

Moving On

I think I mentioned in my New Year's Resolution post that this year may bring a move.  It is now becoming a reality.

For those of you who know us, you know this has been coming for a very long time.  In all honesty, this place that we have lived for well over 10 years has never welcomed us with open arms.  No, I'm not going into it all - but we have never truly been happy as a family here.  We have never embraced it anymore than it has embraced us.  I've been waiting for the day we would move on for years and I think there are probably those who will be happy to see us go.

Now it's here - only we're not moving on where I thought we would be (south - warm - tropical).  Instead we are moving 45 minutes north to where Marty works and Jon goes to school.  Yesterday we were walking around downtown and for the first time, I got nervous.  For the first time, I second-guessed our decision.

But as I type this, I am reminded of the Egyptians.  They got into the desert and wanted nothing more than to turn back to Egypt - to where they were enslaved, treated poorly.  Back to their comfort zone - even though they were never comfortable.

I was talking with someone at church on Sunday and I said this stage in life is hard.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore - what I am.  I feel as if all of the friendships I once had are no longer there.  Sunday morning, during worship, the phrase "it's time to move on" kept running through my head.  I was trying to figure out if that was a God-thing or a Tami- thing.

Whatever it was, we are moving on.  There are some things I am excited about.  No one looks at us twice.  Marty is dark, I am light - and no one cares.  Anonymity is a beautiful thing.  I love the culture.  I love the international feel.  I love that I'm not going to run into someone who thinks they know us based on the lies someone else has spread in the past.  In fact, I love the fact that if we DO run into someone we know, it's because their kid had Marty as a teacher and they love him.  We will live closer to some friends, closer to my brother, closer to our families.  We won't be spending 800.00 a month on gas.

On the other hand - there are things I am nervous about.  Where will we go to church?  I hate "breaking in" a new church.  HATE IT.  But it's funny - Jon - JON - has already been working on that!  Never saw that coming!  He went to the EMU lock in with our church we attend now and met some kids from a youth group up there.  He has been asking his friends at school where they go to church.  See - now that is a good thing.

I am concerned about the liberalism in AA.  The acceptance is great - but there is also a downside to that - where there is tolerance for everything BUT bible-believing Christians.  It does make me a little nervous.

It's a transition phase in life.  We are not going to buy a home there - we are going to rent.  That way, in 3 years when Jon graduates, we are free to move if we need to.  We are also going to rent out our home here - so we're looking for some awesome renters!  Also nervous about being a landlord.  Not something I thought we would ever be - but - we must.  The market is so incredibly horrible that we would lose over 50% of what we paid for our house.  Not going to happen.

Anyway.  That's where it's at.  I think I made 3 New Years goals - to lose weight, to draw close to God and to move.  I think.  It's all a slow, steady work in progress.

Hodge Podge

I'm not even sure if that's correct spelling up there (Hodge podge!), but this is going to be a short (stop laughing) little update and - and I won't make any promises as to when I'll be back writing normal posts!  Life is - well - life!

I wrote one of my new years resolutions was to lose weight.  Well, I've lost a bit actually!  I've done a juicing fast and this week I start training for a 5k.  Pray - this is not a battle - it's WAR!!

Kiddos are doing well!  Lysie is busy at school and her first year is almost over.  My how time flies!  I am soooo looking forward to having my girl home.  Jon continues to work through school - still tough - but he is working hard and plunging forward.  He's decided to try out for football this next fall.  The kid is GROWING like crazy.  He's as tall as me and has hit 140 pounds.  Marty was 145 when we got married so I think the kid might actually be bigger than his Dad at some point.  Never thought I would say that!!

My foot is still in the walking boot.  I've been pushing too much but will continue to push some more.  It's my nature.  As I said - I will start training for a 5k this week - walking boot and all!  It's just the way I roll ;)

Today God has been giving me a rather strange (lol) message - well - strange in the wording - but when God repeats "strange" wording twice in one day - well - I know I'm supposed to pay attention.  Twice today I have heard the exact phrase "Awake from your slumber O sleeper".  It was the message at a church we don't usually attend (visiting friends & went with them).  Didn't think much of it until we were driving home and lo and behold - the EXACT phrase was on a church sign of all things that we passed on the way home.  Noted God!

Let's see - for the boys Spring break, we're headed out to see Elyse in Minneapolis.  I am beyond excited!  Little man is going to fly down to Texas to see his Grandparents.  I'm terrified of the whole flying by himself thing - but he, of course, being almost 16, can NOT wait!  He loves Texas.  He told us today he was going to college at Texas Tech.  One kid in the freezing arctic zone of Minneapolis, one kid in the hot desert zone of Texas.  Go figure.  Fortunately he has 3 more years before that happens - but - he's thinking about it at least!

Got to spend lots of time with friends this past week which is always a blessing.  Took Jon to Castaway Bay in Sandusky and enjoyed some family time as well.  Mid-winter break for the boys has come to a conclusion and it's back to the grind tomorrow :(

Well my friends - that's about all for now.  I know it's been forever and I know I promised to write more.  I'm not going to promise this time - I'm just going to do the best I can with the time I have.  I trust this post finds you all doing way.  Be blessed!

Parenting Etiquette for Facebook

This is a post a long time coming.

I am a parent of 1 young adult and 1 teen.  Until my oldest went to college, we knew her password for Facebook.  In fact, I probably still know it.  Same for the youngest who is almost 16.  I monitor their Facebook accounts - more for the younger than the older now - but monitored the oldest as well when she was at home.

We have some rules.  First and foremost - family issues - stay in the family.  Never.  Ever get on Facebook and talk bad about us as parents.  That's a fast way to get yourself kicked off Facebook permanently.  Neither of my kids have ever done that to my knowledge.

But more than that - we do the same for our kids.

Here's the deal.

Don't talk bad about your teens on Facebook.  Don't try to publicly humiliate them.  Don't air your gripes and complaints about your teens for the world to see.  Don't share what they've done wrong.  Don't talk about how much they annoy you. Don't involve other people on Facebook and try to get other people on your side when your teens are mad at you.  Just don't do it.  If you see someone else doing it - don't get involved.  Don't say a word.  If you expect your kids not to talk about YOU on Facebook - well then - don't talk about them.  Keep family matters private.

Just once, and only once, I made the mistake of making a remark about one of my kids on Facebook.  It was on a comment and it really wasn't that big of a deal - and I didn't think they would see it - but my child saw it.  The look in their eyes told me I had crossed the line.  I unintentionally embarrassed them and hurt their feelings all at the same time.  Said child, in turn, removed me from their Facebook account - which was quickly remedied because that's not going to happen.  However - I gave them some grace - because I was to blame.

When my kids do something on Facebook I don't like - comments or updates - or whatever - because I'm monitoring - I catch it quickly.  I talk to them face to face and not over the computer.  Honestly I think maybe once with both of my kids have I even had to have a conversation because the expectations were set ahead of time.  I don't post something on their status as a snotty reply.  I don't make videos of shooting up their computers like a recent thing I saw that everyone thinks is hilarious.  That's a good way to cause permanent damage to your relationship.

Once when I was a teenager we were visiting my Aunt. This was pre-Facebook - pre-Internet days.  It was late at night and I overheard my parents - and especially my Dad - telling my Aunt what a horrible teenager I was.  Of course, in my situation, I wanted to run out there and tell my Aunt what my father had been doing to me my whole life - but beyond that - I was crushed.  Devastated that my father was out there telling my Aunt all these bad things about me.  It hurt and hurt a lot.  It's no different now with Facebook.  There is just no need to tell the world how awful your teenager is.  We all know how teenagers are.  If you need to talk, find a trusted friend and call them or privately message them when your kid is not around.  There is nothing wrong with seeking advice - but to put it out there for everyone - unfair.

Anyway.  That's my 2 cents.  It breaks my heart to see so many parents who feel it is okay to talk bad about their teenagers or someone elses teenagers on Facebook.  It's not the way things should be handled.

Update!

So sorry folks.  It's been such a long time.  I will try to post more often in the weeks to come.

Let's see!  What to tell you???

Ummm - I got sick and stayed sick for over a week - no fun.  Then, just as I was barely starting to recover from the sickness, I broke my toe.  Now - that might not sound like a big deal, right?  Yeah, well, I broke the base of it, which turns out to be difficult to break.  Due to the location and severity - no toe taping for me - but a walking cast - for - 8 weeks.  8 weeks people!!

I have yet to figure out if I can drive with this thing on.  I took last week off due to being sick and trying to get the swelling down in my foot.  The goal for the next 3 days is to spend enough time on my foot to figure out if I can handle chasing kids around for 7 hours.  I'm hoping to pick up some half day jobs towards the end of the week just to see if I can take it.

The boys finished off the semester and have started a new one.  Jon made it through his first semester of Algebra which was not an easy task for him.  So proud of how hard he worked to pass that class.  Funny story - we were in a restaurant when he looked up his exam grade - which was a 63%.  Now - most parents would not be pleased with that - but Jon worked soooo hard and with his learning disability - we were PRAYING he would pass the stupid exam.  So - he sees on the computer that he got a 63% and YELLS out in the middle of the restaurant - "YES!  I got a 63%!  I passed!" and we about jumped out of our seats and high fived him.  Everyone was kind of looking at us like "WHAT is WRONG with them??  WORST parents in the WORLD!"  Anyway - funny moment and again, so proud of all his hard work this semester. 

Elyse made it through her first semester and with a ton of work and dedication made the Dean's list for her first semester of college!!  She got all A's and 1 B.  We are equally as proud of our girl for working so hard and dedicating this time in her life to grow in the Lord.  We love our kids - both gifted in their own ways.  We sure are blessed :)

Let's see, what else?  We are slowly moving forward with trying to move.  We have gotten a short sale packet from our mortgage company.  Pray - we need a miracle.  We don't have a "hardship" really in order to technically get a short sale.  We will not walk away from our house - we can pay the mortgage and pay we will.  However, the worth of the house is literally less than half of what we paid for it.  We have no options but a short sale - but the mortgage company has to agree to it.  We are going to talk to them about how Jon has switched schools and we need to be closer for him.  I don't know that they will consider that a "hardship" or not.  If not, we have no options but to stay.  For Jon's sake - we need to move closer to school.  He wants to play football in the fall and living 45 minutes away is not feasible for that.  The gas money IS killing us and if gas hits 5.00 a gallon like it's supposed to - then we will have a hardship!

Like I said - I'll try to post more often.  I apologize.  Life is just crazy right now.  If your still with me - thanks - and sorry to disappoint!

Nothing changes....

....if everything stays the same.

That is what I woke up thinking today.  I believe it is a message to me from God.  I hope anyway because I'm about to run with it.

Last year and the start of this year - tough thus far.  We had everything that happened in the last post.  This past week, I got some great and needed news - I was able to land a long term subbing position at my favorite building in my favorite classroom.  I was so excited.  After 2 days, the teacher, who was in the hospital, made a miraculous recovery - which - is awesome.  However, it kicked me out of the long term subbing position.  God knew, though, because the next day when I should have been in the classroom - I woke up - sicker than I've ever been.  The past 3 days I've spent in bed.  Oh -and there is still good news on that front - this past week in that classroom landed me a long term subbing position in May and June to take over for a teacher who will go on maternity leave - so - still a good thing.

Anyway - these past few days in bed have given me LOTS of time to think.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  My husband said to me this morning - "When are we going to start having fun again?" and he didn't mean the two of us - he meant as a family.

Now there are some struggles we are having as a family I can't post on here.  Don't worry - it's not my marriage although our time together as a result of this struggle has been serious hampered and has put a decent amount of strain on things.  But the timing of his statement, when I hadn't mentioned what I had woke up thinking - it was merely confirmation.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

My spiritual walk will never change if I continue to allow the toughness of life to get in the way.  If I continue to walk away from God because I can't feel him, I can't see him - I'm not mad at him - but I just am weary and when I do get in the word or pray, I hear nothing - well - I can't allow those things to pull me away.  I must keep pressing on.

Our family struggle.  I can't "fix" this issue.  But I can talk to someone about it - which I have avoided doing. I can't state here what we can do - but there are some additional steps we can take - and it's time to stop messing around and just do it.

My weight.  I can't tell you how much of a burden this is to me.  I keep talking and doing nothing.  NOTHING. I feel so stinking powerless in this area.  I'm embarrassed of myself.  I hate the way I look - but even more - I hate the way I feel.  I do not believe I would have gotten so incredibly sick this past week if not for my weight.  I really don't.  In this area especially - nothing changes if everything stays the same.  I'm not sure where to head with this - but I believe whatever I do must really change compared to what I'm doing now.  I believe this will be not just a battle - but a war within myself.  I believe food has become the only thing in my life I can control at this point - but I am allowing it to control me.  I must change.

These are the 3 areas where I feel most burdened.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  We must take actual steps in each area - stop the talk and start the walk - or nothing will be any different a year from now.  I'm sorry, but that's just not acceptable to me anymore.  I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.  I am so blessed and I know that - but I have allowed these three things to totally take away my happiness.  I've isolated myself from friends because it's just easier than being an unhappy me - I mean - who wants to be around me - around us - like this anyway??

Anyway - that's what I'm thinking.  Maybe tomorrow - maybe - I'll try to take some practical steps to move towards change.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

What is going on???

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

I have to say folks - 2012 has not started off well.  Let me share with you some of the news we have received in the past week alone (in no particular order):

1.  Marty's Mom's cancer has returned.  The melanoma is back. 
2.  We heard some devastating news about some friends from college. Their 18 year old son took his own life and died this week. 
3.  Marty's Grandpa's brother died this week.
4.  Some friends from church had a baby 11 days ago.  Their baby stopped breathing in his mother's arms.  She was able to perform CPR and the baby is in the hospital.  Something is wrong with his little heart.
5.  Another couple from church (we don't know the kids or the baby) - their granddaughter is having some major health problems and they are praying her through every day.
6.  Elyse's best friend from high school's Mom (that was a mouth full) has had breast cancer since Elyse's freshman year.  Hospice has been called in.
7.  We have some other issues we are dealing with as a family, not to be shared on my blog. 

I do, honestly, feel as if we've entered the valley of death - where the shadow hangs all around.  I'd like to say I don't feel the evil as David claims in this Psalm - but - I do.  With every new bit of news, I grow a little more fearful.  I know that's not the way it's supposed to be and although I attempt to allow God's rod and staff to comfort me - the truth of the matter is - when I get in situations which make me fearful, I tend to just push everything (and everyone) away and kind of do this survival mode thing.  Ignore it all and maybe it will go away.  I tried this morning to read my bible and pray - but instead I feel this disconnect with God.  It's hard to explain.  Almost as if I don't want to turn to him because it makes me feel too vulnerable or something.  Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.

There is no real point to this post except to say WHAT IS GOING ON?  Although 2011 was not a great year - 2012 certainly isn't starting off well!  I hate funerals.  Let me say that again.  I. hate. funerals.  Hate. them. Call it stupid, immature, childish and selfish - but - coming face to face with death and that extreme level of grief puts me in major shut down mode.  I can't handle them.  They are part of life - but a part of life I would rather avoid at all costs.

Anyway - lots to pray about.  Lots to send me to my knees. Lot's of pain for others.  Lot's of scary times and uncertainty.  Maybe that's it right there.  I do like things predictable, I like them planned out.  I don't like surprises and I certainly don't like things I can't fix.  My list is full of things I can't fix, can't control, can't make better.  I can't take away the pain of cancer or death for someone else.  It hurts and it's going to continue to hurt.  I think that's why David says "Even though I walk through" - because that's exactly what you do.  Walk through.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.

In times like these I wish Jesus would come quickly. 

Sorry - long post.  I needed to talk this through for myself.  Thanks for sticking with me.

Kindle Fire Give Away - I want one of these :)

Possible Changes in 2012

2012 will bring change.  I'm writing this post so that a year from now, I can look back and see where God has taken us.  Here are some things that may - or may not - change in 2012.  They are things that right now, I can see changing - but as we know - "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  (Proverbs 16:9).  Looking forward to God-directed steps.

First - I am seriously considering an extended Facebook break.  It is my way of communicating with many people.  However.  It wastes a lot of time, upsets me some of the time and takes me away from things that my time would be better served at.  I have yet to commit to this in my head and heart - but it's up for consideration at this point.

Second - My health.  I'm tired of talking about it.  Tired of making grand plans that never succeed.  We all know, myself better than anyone, how unhappy I am with my health right now.  It, too, has deprived me of happiness.  Maybe it's time for this to make a change for the better.  Maybe less time on Facebook and more time on my health.  No lofty commitments right now, no goals - just something I want to begin to put more focus to and see where it takes me.

Third - We may be moving. We have begun making calls and inquiring about what to do next.  We have contacted realtors here and in Ann Arbor,  My son needs us to do this and right now, that is a priority.  Honestly I don't know if it's possible - but we have at least begun to research it.  Our biggest problem is our house has lost over half it's value, we have nothing set aside to move with. We may have to short sale our home and lose major money.  We will most likely rent in Ann Arbor and finding a 3 bedroom, pet friendly home within 10 miles of Pioneer to rent - that we can actually afford - well - it's not likely.  Buying is an option but my concern is if we have to short sale our home here, that destroys your credit meaning no mortgages for a couple of years.  It's going to take a God move to make it happen - but we feel it is what is best for the long term health and happiness of our youngest.  I would like to move there for Jon - but also to get closer to family.  My brother lives in Brighton and works in Ann Arbor.  It would be really nice to live close to him for a change.  That has not happened since I left home when he was 12.

Well - that's the big 3 for now.  Unfortunately need to run and don't have time to add another one.  Maybe I'll add later.  We'll see what the future holds!

You say goodbye, I say hello

It's almost New Year's Eve.  I haven't written a blog post in...well...forever.  So - here goes nothing.

2011.  Let's recap:

1.  Elyse graduated high school and entered college.  Bittersweet.  So proud of her for all she has accomplished.  Yet - saying goodbye - is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.  Quite frankly - it's quite sucky.  Sorry for using that term - but there is no better way to say it.  Love having her home on her breaks now but boy do I miss her when she's not here. She is doing brilliantly at school - finding out who she is and loving life.  She calls Minneapolis home now.  I remember those days.  It's quite odd being the parent.  It hurts when she calls someplace else home - yet - at the same time - it's those words that make me see she is exactly where she needs to be.

2.  Jon turned 15.  He went from playing premier travel soccer since the age of 5 to quitting soccer all together.  He finished a very difficult 8th grade year at an impossible school (at no fault of his own) and moved on to be a freshman at a school that actually strives to see him succeed.  He isn't playing high school soccer and that is a shock.  He's trying out for football next year.  He's grown several inches and gained several pounds.  He's turning into a man right in front of my eyes.  Much change in his life.  I am proud of him.  It's not always easy for him - and he is doing good.  He is brave, courageous and a compassionate young man. 


3.  Marty quit coaching soccer.  Best.  Decision.  Ever.  We are done - DONE - dealing with all the politics that travel soccer has involved over the years.  Done with - well - a lot.  HUGE relief.  Huge stressor gone in our lives.  Did I say what a great decision this was?  The best.  At times, it's hard to believe how much soccer controlled our lives.  Now that we are free of it's death grip - we are better for it.  Still teaching up at Pioneer.  Another good thing.  Deepening some friendships up there slowly but surely.  It's a good thing.

4.  I started working full time.  Teaching Special Education.  Not having the best couple of months physically.  I haven't shared it with many people but the truth of the matter is right now I'm dealing with some health issues.  I've been having these sudden spells where the room spins violently, my head feels like someone has tasered it and my ears feel like I'm being held under water.  It lasts 30 seconds to a minute and goes away.  It started in November and continues.  I finally saw a Dr. this past week.  She has ordered some tests.  We'll see what happens.  My thyroid is out of whack and causing more weight gain.  Not fun.  Never thought I would see the weight I'm at now. Embarrassing, humiliating, debilitating, depressing.

Overall, I see 2011 as a tough one.  I can't honestly look back and see much more than struggle.  Struggle financially, struggle health wise, struggle emotionally.  Both kids have struggled.  It has been hard.  I have failed to see God's hands at times - yet at others - I feel his comfort.  I have had to lean heavily on him so many times this year.  He is faithful.  He is always faithful.

2012.  What will it hold?  I want my health to be better.  I want to find joy where there has been pain.  I want to walk through the valley with my head held high and remember God has a bigger and better plan than where I am now.  I want to draw closer to my Father, to my husband, to my children.  I want to get used to this new "norm" of being a parent of a child in college and a parent of a child in high school.  I want to learn to get on my knees first instead of worrying and fretting.  I want to see the mighty move of God in my life - in whatever way He sees fit.  I want to obey quicker, listen closer, respond faster.  I want to hear more, see more, do more.  I want to find a way to see in the darkness where I haven't found my way.  I want to be a happier person - one who does not get so easily dragged down by the tough stuff in my life.  I want to smile more.  I want to change a life for the better - my own but more important - someone else's.  I want to write more.  I want to find purpose more.  I want more than making it through day by day.  I want to LIVE and not just survive.  I want more.

I say goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012.  What will the future hold?

Beautiful Things

There are many beautiful things in life.  Sunsets, beaches, turquoise waters.  The first snowfall, a pine grove forest, mountains.  Rays of sunshine in unexpected places, a child's smile.  God has truly made this world a beautiful place if we choose to look in the right direction.

I spent some time recently in a unique classroom.  As my friends know, I've been picking up more and more special education subbing jobs.  I was intimidated at first - unsure of myself, lacking confidence, feeling like I didn't have enough knowledge to reach out to these hurting kids.  What would I do when chaos ensued?  Would I be able to handle it?

I've had cabinets cleared and my head barely missed, I've been kicked at, my hair pulled, "advances" by young boys who just don't understand what they are doing or saying.  I leave most days with a headache and tears.  Every day, I work very hard.  Some days are better than others.  I've had times where kids have screeched the entire day.  I've had many days I've stared into blank and empty eyes.  I've been called some nasty names and I've been called some beautiful ones as well.

When I was younger, I would have thought all of these things would have sent me running in fear or leaving in anger.  But that's not the case.  When you know children are lost inside their own heads - you can take just about anything.  I pray through every day, arrive early to sit at each individual desk and pray if at all possible.  I often walk by a child who seems to live in another reality and whisper a gentle prayer for their complete and total healing.  I don't know that I could make it through some days without being in constant communication with my father.

I see beauty every day I work with one of these amazing children.  I see it when they connect with me - if only for a moment.  I see it in their kind words and their beautiful smiles.  I see it when they are throwing the biggest fit you've ever seen, and a gentle touch on their arm or hand grabs their attention and they suddenly quiet.  I see it when they do a math problem correctly or write a word I can understand.  I see it when they take their magnet letters and after spending an entire day making no sense at all, suddenly write out words in their letters such as "True Love Kisses". 

There are many beautiful things in this world - but these moments I cherish.  I think of this verse - and although it doesn't apply completely - it does remind me of these kids:  I Corinthians 13:12:  We don't yet see things clearly.  We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!  We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly as He knows us."

They don't see things clearly.  You can tell by looking in their eyes.  They are squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long!  One day - and one day soon - the weather will clear and the son (intended) will shine bright.  They'll see it then - as clearly as God sees them - and they will know Him directly - as directly as He knows them.

To me - that is a beautiful thing.

Ticket to Ride

I play this game called Ticket To Ride.  If you've never played it before - you should.  It's addicting.  Basically the idea is to make it from one place to another on a map.  You are given destination tickets and trains. If you fail to make it from point A to point B before you or someone else runs out of trains, you are deducted points.  You play with other people who are also trying to make it to their destinations and sometimes your route gets blocked.

Today I was playing - relaxing - and a thought occurred to me.

Sometimes life is like my Ticket To Ride game.  Sometimes the path from point A to point B is easy, not met with any resistance.  Sometimes you sail right through, nothing gets in your way.  Sometimes, though, the path from point A to point B is not so clear.  Things block your view, circumstances force you to turn a different direction than you were originally intending on going.  Sometimes, you don't make it to your destination at all.

Those times are hard.  Times when you get thrown off the direction you were heading or the direction you were taking your family.  Jobs, kids, illness, money - it can all throw you off track and de-rail your train.  Sometimes we have to take detours to get where we are going.  Sometimes it seems that no matter what direction we turn, something else stands in our way.

But in those times, a verse comes to mind.  Romans 8:28.  Most of us know it - but for those of us who don't - it goes like this:  For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

In all things.  In all circumstances.  In all the stuff of life that threatens to drown and overwhelm us.  When we can't see his mighty hand - it is then that He holds us up - or - sends others to come alongside and be our strength.  All things - loss, bad finances, dead dreams, hurts, struggles, depression, and the list goes - but in all things God is working for the good of those who love Him.

We have been called for a purpose - His purpose - and no matter where the road takes us - no matter what throws us off our intended path - He loves us.  Even though we sometimes can not see where to turn next, when the pain threatens to drown - He is still there - taking us around, over, under - through.

This post is for me as much as it's for anyone else.  I needed this reminder.  Maybe you do too.