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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Nothing changes....

....if everything stays the same.

That is what I woke up thinking today.  I believe it is a message to me from God.  I hope anyway because I'm about to run with it.

Last year and the start of this year - tough thus far.  We had everything that happened in the last post.  This past week, I got some great and needed news - I was able to land a long term subbing position at my favorite building in my favorite classroom.  I was so excited.  After 2 days, the teacher, who was in the hospital, made a miraculous recovery - which - is awesome.  However, it kicked me out of the long term subbing position.  God knew, though, because the next day when I should have been in the classroom - I woke up - sicker than I've ever been.  The past 3 days I've spent in bed.  Oh -and there is still good news on that front - this past week in that classroom landed me a long term subbing position in May and June to take over for a teacher who will go on maternity leave - so - still a good thing.

Anyway - these past few days in bed have given me LOTS of time to think.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  My husband said to me this morning - "When are we going to start having fun again?" and he didn't mean the two of us - he meant as a family.

Now there are some struggles we are having as a family I can't post on here.  Don't worry - it's not my marriage although our time together as a result of this struggle has been serious hampered and has put a decent amount of strain on things.  But the timing of his statement, when I hadn't mentioned what I had woke up thinking - it was merely confirmation.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

My spiritual walk will never change if I continue to allow the toughness of life to get in the way.  If I continue to walk away from God because I can't feel him, I can't see him - I'm not mad at him - but I just am weary and when I do get in the word or pray, I hear nothing - well - I can't allow those things to pull me away.  I must keep pressing on.

Our family struggle.  I can't "fix" this issue.  But I can talk to someone about it - which I have avoided doing. I can't state here what we can do - but there are some additional steps we can take - and it's time to stop messing around and just do it.

My weight.  I can't tell you how much of a burden this is to me.  I keep talking and doing nothing.  NOTHING. I feel so stinking powerless in this area.  I'm embarrassed of myself.  I hate the way I look - but even more - I hate the way I feel.  I do not believe I would have gotten so incredibly sick this past week if not for my weight.  I really don't.  In this area especially - nothing changes if everything stays the same.  I'm not sure where to head with this - but I believe whatever I do must really change compared to what I'm doing now.  I believe this will be not just a battle - but a war within myself.  I believe food has become the only thing in my life I can control at this point - but I am allowing it to control me.  I must change.

These are the 3 areas where I feel most burdened.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  We must take actual steps in each area - stop the talk and start the walk - or nothing will be any different a year from now.  I'm sorry, but that's just not acceptable to me anymore.  I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.  I am so blessed and I know that - but I have allowed these three things to totally take away my happiness.  I've isolated myself from friends because it's just easier than being an unhappy me - I mean - who wants to be around me - around us - like this anyway??

Anyway - that's what I'm thinking.  Maybe tomorrow - maybe - I'll try to take some practical steps to move towards change.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What is going on???

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

I have to say folks - 2012 has not started off well.  Let me share with you some of the news we have received in the past week alone (in no particular order):

1.  Marty's Mom's cancer has returned.  The melanoma is back. 
2.  We heard some devastating news about some friends from college. Their 18 year old son took his own life and died this week. 
3.  Marty's Grandpa's brother died this week.
4.  Some friends from church had a baby 11 days ago.  Their baby stopped breathing in his mother's arms.  She was able to perform CPR and the baby is in the hospital.  Something is wrong with his little heart.
5.  Another couple from church (we don't know the kids or the baby) - their granddaughter is having some major health problems and they are praying her through every day.
6.  Elyse's best friend from high school's Mom (that was a mouth full) has had breast cancer since Elyse's freshman year.  Hospice has been called in.
7.  We have some other issues we are dealing with as a family, not to be shared on my blog. 

I do, honestly, feel as if we've entered the valley of death - where the shadow hangs all around.  I'd like to say I don't feel the evil as David claims in this Psalm - but - I do.  With every new bit of news, I grow a little more fearful.  I know that's not the way it's supposed to be and although I attempt to allow God's rod and staff to comfort me - the truth of the matter is - when I get in situations which make me fearful, I tend to just push everything (and everyone) away and kind of do this survival mode thing.  Ignore it all and maybe it will go away.  I tried this morning to read my bible and pray - but instead I feel this disconnect with God.  It's hard to explain.  Almost as if I don't want to turn to him because it makes me feel too vulnerable or something.  Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.

There is no real point to this post except to say WHAT IS GOING ON?  Although 2011 was not a great year - 2012 certainly isn't starting off well!  I hate funerals.  Let me say that again.  I. hate. funerals.  Hate. them. Call it stupid, immature, childish and selfish - but - coming face to face with death and that extreme level of grief puts me in major shut down mode.  I can't handle them.  They are part of life - but a part of life I would rather avoid at all costs.

Anyway - lots to pray about.  Lots to send me to my knees. Lot's of pain for others.  Lot's of scary times and uncertainty.  Maybe that's it right there.  I do like things predictable, I like them planned out.  I don't like surprises and I certainly don't like things I can't fix.  My list is full of things I can't fix, can't control, can't make better.  I can't take away the pain of cancer or death for someone else.  It hurts and it's going to continue to hurt.  I think that's why David says "Even though I walk through" - because that's exactly what you do.  Walk through.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.

In times like these I wish Jesus would come quickly. 

Sorry - long post.  I needed to talk this through for myself.  Thanks for sticking with me.
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