Shout Out!

Yep, this is post numero three today!  Sick and sitting at the computer, can you tell??

Anywho - quick shout out here to another amazing blogger - my daughter :)  If you don't follow her, you should.  She's a good writer and she's beautiful and amazing and smart and talented and loves Jesus and.. and a lot of things.  She makes us so very proud.  If you'd like to hop over and check out her blog, I know you will be blessed by it.  Here you go:

MI to MN:  A journey of watching dreams come true

Birthday Recap

Thanks to those of you who prayed for me today - I can honestly say, this was a great day.

The day started off with my phone being bombed with texts from my husbands first hour class.  Then they called me and sang Happy Birthday.  How cool is that?  Every class called me today and sang to me - I thought that was pretty cool.

At 9:00 a.m., I had breakfast with my sweet friend Weiling.  She fed me some yummy Chinese food and got me a beautiful frame for my birthday.

 After that, I came home and checked my Facebook and many of you left me a birthday greeting.  I love Facebook for this!  I'm silly, I know, but every time someone new posted, it just made my day a little more special.  Then I took a beautiful nap.  I do not know what is going on with me but I have been soooo tired for the past week!!

Sometime around 3:00, I baked some yummy chocolate chip cookies.

Then everyone arrived and we went to our Special Olympics soccer game.  The kids poured out of their van, running to me to wish me a Happy Birthday.  We took a 7-5 victory today and after the game, they all sang Happy Birthday to me.  Beautiful music to my ears I tell ya!!

Then Marty, Jon,  my in-laws and I went and ate a very yummy dinner at LongHorn Steak House.  Amazingly good meal!

Finally, I was given a new camera for my birthday, courtesy of my family, my Mom and Dad and my in-laws.  It is a great camera and I am looking forward to some great shots tomorrow at the apple orchard and botanical gardens.  No one knows that is on the agenda - but it is!!

It truly was a special day full of friends new and old, good food and beautiful people.  Thanks to all of you who made this day a very special one :)  Love you guys!

Almost Happy Birthday to me :)

Tomorrow is my 41st birthday!  Woo Hoo :)  I have survived one year at being 40.  My day is starting off with breakfast with my dear friend Weiling - an international student who lived with us for a week 2 summers ago as she arrived to study at The University of Toledo.  Then I have some free time in the afternoon (anyone want to hang out??) Then we have a Special Olympics soccer game with 11 very special young men and women.  It's supposed to be really crappy weather so pray with me that the rain holds off so we can stay toasty warm during our games.  Then, finally, we'll finish off the day with dinner with the in-laws.

I love celebrating birthdays now!  I am, however, very sad, that this will be the first birthday not celebrated with my daughter.  I'm going to do my best not to focus on it 'cause that is going to be tough.

As a side note - will you pray for me?  Pray that I have a great day.  Holidays are sometimes hard for me.  I don't know what it is - if I set my expectations too high or what - I'm not sure.  I don't know if it's having had all holidays/birthdays/etc ruined growing up - but inevitably - if it's not the "perfect" day - I struggle.  It's silly, I know, and it's always something I have to fight.  I tend to spend the day on eggshells waiting for something to go wrong.  It's tough.  I hate it, but it's something I have to deal with.

Anyway - I sure don't feel almost 41!!  Well - okay - SOME DAYS I really do feel it - but for the most part - I don't.

All I know is this.  I'm blessed, thankful, grateful for all my family and friends.  I love you guys.  Thanks for being part of my life :)

Scrap Yard visit

I figured since I told you all about my scrap happy man the other day, today when the boys went to the scrap yard, I took my camera along.  Hope you enjoy :)

 Before we left the house

 Tying everything down so we don't have an embarrassing experience

 We have arrived, obviously

I miss you

I miss you.  I miss you sometimes so much that it hurts.  I hate setting 3 plates at the table instead of 4.  I hate driving past Taco Bell.  I hate looking over at church at the youth section and not seeing you there.  I miss the sound of your voice.  I miss your laughter.  I miss all the goofy things about you.  I miss fighting with you over who gets to use the computer next.  I miss being tired of running you all over kingdom come.  I miss taking you and your friends wherever you want to go.  I miss eating fettucini alfredo at Olive Garden with you.  I miss Dr. Pepper cans spilled on my living room floor.  I miss you.  I miss your voice telling me you love me.  I miss your hugs.  I miss you fighting with your brother.  I miss making you pasta.  I miss watching tv with you.  I miss your head on my shoulder.  I miss you.  I know your coming home soon - but I can't help feeling like things will never be the same again.  I know it's going to hurt even more when I have to say goodbye again this time.  I don't know that this hole in my heart, this place that aches like I never knew was possible - I don't know if that will ever go away.  I know this is part of life and I know I am not alone - but I really miss you.  You are and always will be - my baby girl.  This song is for you.

For I know the plans

Change - is not easy.  I kick and scream against it.  I like things the way they are. I like things predictable and I don't like when a wrench gets thrown in anything.  I have things planned out and I expect them to go as planned.  Look out when they don't!

This past few months, our family has grown closer through some significant changes.  All good - but all very, very hard.

Sometimes in life, we think we know what's best for us.  We think we know what is best for our kids, for their futures.  We arrange our lives around them.  We, quite honestly, spend very little time stopping and actually asking GOD what might be best for them.  We just plow ahead and expect God to follow along.  Sometimes - we don't even know we're doing it.  Then, we pray God's will be done and when it IS done - it's a major shock and we just don't know what in the world He's doing!  We didn't really want His will - we wanted ours with His stamp of approval.

As you know, if your a regular reader, little man is a soccer player and a good one.  His whole life, we have arranged our lives around his "career".  He likes it - we haven't been those idiot parents that determine their kid is better than anyone else and that's all there is to it and then push them into something they don't want to do.  It was his love as much as it was ours.  It was his talent, his gifting and we were thankful for it especially considering school just wasn't his gig.

His whole life, we have traveled, we have paid, we have built our lives around the fact that one day, he would move on to play high school ball and then, if he wanted, college ball.  Then he didn't make the high school team this fall.  I don't know why and honestly that is another story not for blog land and not for the point of this post.

The point is this.  We thought we knew what was best for Jon.  We really did.  We encouraged, drove, bought uniforms, socks, shoes - supported what was His dream - for years.  Yet God - in His greater understanding of our sons future - had other plans.

When we first received the news - we were all devastated - little man the most.  We did not see that one coming - not even close.  My heart broke for my child.  It seemed as if his future was crushed and now everything we have done all these years was for nothing.

Now, 2 months later - I have come to realize a few things.

I prayed for God's will to be done - but I didn't really mean it at the time.  But now - now I see what God is doing.  Now I see a greater purpose unfolding.  Now, I get it.  Maybe not in full - but in part.  I see a more balanced child.  I see a child that actually is learning to love learning.  I see a child getting good grades in school - and realizing soccer - is just not everything.  I see a young man loving on others in Special Olympics and taking his skills and teaching others - and he is oh so good at it.  I see a young man willing to explore other options in his life - find other talents he has. I see someone who now has the time to go on missions trips, try out for the football team or the golf team or the whatever team.  I see a child dreaming of all life could be and not trying to fit it into a very narrow box.

At the same time - we are watching our daughter struggle.  I don't want to put her out there so I'll just say this.  She was the one who we thought would embrace the major change in her life - college - and have no trouble whatsoever with it.  We thought she would run into this new life and never look back.  She has gone the opposite direction and although it is hard for her - I do see God working in her at this difficult point.  I know that although she is in the midst of the question of what God's will IS - going through all this with our son - makes me realize that God's perfect plan will soon reveal itself to her and she, too, will get it.  As a side note - she wrote on my husband's facebook wall today after going swing dancing last night "I realized tonight that I suck at dancing with anybody but you.  Miss you daddy" - yeah - I cried and I'm crying again.  Oh how much we miss her and how much our heart aches for her.

Jeremiah 29:11 says this:  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.

God's plans - not ours.  Sometimes we can't see it - but we must trust that God has our best in mind.  He is going to give us a great hope and a great future.  We need to lean into His arms when change comes that we are not expecting and embrace this truth.  His good and perfect will is always - always better than our plans.

My scrap happy man

This post is about scrapping.  No - this is not my yard - not yet anyway.

No, we're not talking about scrapping as in photo albums and cute pictures - but metal scrapping.

Years ago, when we were first married - Marty was slightly addicted to soccer.  It's not like it was a HUGE addiction or anything - he merely played in 4 different leagues and between practices and games, was gone - on average - 10 nights a week.  (Yes, I do realize there are not 10 nights in a week).  He has since grown (and busted his leg and gotten - uh - older - more mature) and doesn't play soccer hardly ever anymore.  Actually, I feel bad about the limited opportunities he has to play 'cause I think he really misses it.

NOT THE POINT.

Well - moving along from addiction to addiction.....

A couple of years ago, our neighbor offered to take a dishwasher off our hands.  We happily and naively agreed.  Fortunately it never dawned on either of us that there was a reason he wanted that dishwasher.

I'm trying to remember when it all started in earnest.  What was it that made him turn the corner from naivete to what we now have?  Ah, I don't know.

The point is this.  He is no longer addicted to soccer.  He is, however, addicted to scrap metal.

He got himself a trailer.  I want to paint it pink - but he's just not feeling the pink vibe.  I mean, come on, how COOL would it be to have a neon pink trailer with J & M or some catchy name on the side of it pulling behind my blazer???  We have settled on black and one of these days, I will surprise him when he comes home from work and it will be all duded (as in dude - ed ) up.

He and Jon need a 12 step recovery program at this point.  The rule is NO SCRAPPING with Mom in the car.  Seriously - I am totally embarrassed by it!  We can never get from point A to point B anymore without stopping to check out someones trash.  It's HUMILIATING.  But - they are happy.  Happy Scrappers.  (WAIT - That should be their catchy business phrase!  It's not AT ALL female or anything!!)

He spends hours - and I do mean hours - tearing crap apart.  There is always something strewn all over my house or my front yard that he is disassembling looking for a motor, copper, aluminum, etc.  He has a special magnet he uses to see what kind of metal it is.  He READS full websites to learn more info.  He talks the ears off the people at the scrap yard to get more info. He's like a kid at Christmas on the days he goes to the scrap yard.  And now my son is no different.

Okay - I'll be honest.  I kinda do like the little extra cash that comes our way here and there - and it  is something he finds relaxing.  If he's happy - then I'm happy.

I wish I would have thought to take a picture to share with you all.  I will - eventually.

The very first trip to the scrap yard - I think it was the first trip anyway - scrapping was just not as fun as it is now for him.  The trailer came unhitched - and smashed THROUGH the back of the blazer.  We didn't make any money that day - that's for sure.

There really is no point to this post except to tease my scrap happy man.  It's a good thing I like him so much and think he's so incredibly handsome.  The moral of the story is this - don't let your husband anywhere near metal.  Since not a lot of men read my blog - don't let your man know there is money to made either.  Trust me :)

Wait - wait a minute - one more thing - IF your man does decide to scrap metal - before you go to the scrap yard the first time with him - learn some self defense.  I swear every person there is a former or current convict.  I kid you not . I've never seen so many toothless men in my entire life.  If the police pulled in - I can guarantee you a scrap yard would become deathly silent in a matter of seconds because everyone would flee :)

Love you Marty :)

Dog Shampoo

I know, strange, strange, strange that I am posting on dog shampoo.  However - Fido and Fido (kidding, their names are Kiwi and Nali) both in the house = SSSSSMMMMEEEELLLLYYY house.  And if you know me - y'all know I don't do a smelly house.

So I have been on a quest.  Dog shampoo in the store is rather expensive and if you ask me - just doesn't do the trick.  I started looking up how to make some homemade dog shampoo so I can save a buck or two.  I do believe I have actually found something that works.  I apologize - I can't give credit to the original person because I can't remember where I found it - plus I've changed it up a bit to find what works for me.

The true test came in giving Nali a bath.  She is a 70 plus pound golden retriever and by far the most stinky dog we have ever had.  She can get a bath and within an hour smell terrible.  I don't know what her issue is.  I've pulled her off (or am trying to) people food so all she's eating is her dog food just so she doesn't get anything extra in her system.  Anywho - it's working on her.

So here's the recipe.

Equal parts white vinegar and clear antibacterial hand soap (that was the original recipe)
lemon juice (I used - oh - maybe 1/8 of a cup??)
dawn dish soap (added this because I read this helps repel fleas)

Now - I will warn you.  If you hate the smell of vinegar - they will smell like vinegar for a day or so.  When I read the original recipe, they said that didn't happen - but - it does.  I'm not a vinegar kind of person so I noticed it.  In fact, that would be why I added the lemon juice.  I'll probably increase the lemon juice this next time to see if I can get a little less vinegar smell and a little more lemony smell.  Oh - and I found a big 'ole bottle of the clear antibacterial soap in Kroger by the hand soap area.

It does work - I gave Nali a bath like 4 days ago and she still is smelling normal.  Not like a perfume bottle or anything - but not doggy stink either.

The moral of the story is - this is something that costs far less mula than the crapola in the store - and the dogs smell normalish.  My house doesn't smell like dog and I won't have to take up stock in Yankee Candle (although I sure wouldn't mind doing THAT either - I am in LOVE with Yankee Candle.  As a side note, I had some burning the other day and someone commented my house smelled good enough to eat.  MUSIC to my ears baby!!).

Try it - it works!

Oh wait...not finished yet.  Funny dog story to share.

Our dogs love to chew/eat/maul/destroy stuffed animals.  They have been working on taking the stuffing out of a largish monkey this past week.  (oh so appreciated to find fuzz all over the house when you come home from work)  Today, Nali - the retriever - is carrying around just the face of the monkey.  Jon grabs it from her mouth and says "OH SICK! Our dogs are CANNIBALS!  They ate the face off the monkey!"  That kid cracks me up.  Okay - it doesn't sound as funny on "paper" as it did in person.  I was laughing MY face off but now - it just doesn't have the same ring to it.  Ah well - maybe you'll enjoy it anyway!!

Letting go is hard stuff!

So tonight my beautiful daughter posts on facebook that she is heading downtown at like 10:30 p.m. and freaks me out.  Of course, I say "your not going alone" and she says "I'm not stupid."  As in - duh Mom - come ON!  But then I go to her tumblr and she's talking all about how she needs to get alone with God and she's looking for a place to do that downtown where she won't get killed - and now - I'm freaked.  But - I've said enough to her (and now I put it on here - how nice!) and - well - here I am.

I've decided that parenting had to be easier for my Mom (stop laughing Mom) in the non-techno age.  The age of no cell phones, no tumblrs, blogs, twitter updates - etc.  The land where she didn't know what in the world I was up to (and that was probably a good thing) or where I was.  When she didn't know I was downtown Grand Rapids (hmmmmmm.......) climbing a building with Donnie and Marty and Dave - or wait - was that just Donnie and Marty - anyway - in the middle of the night.  Where she didn't know I was too chicken to go all the way to the roof so I stayed on the stairs on the side of the building several stories high where I absolutely did not belong and almost got us caught which would have probably resulted in, at the very least, being spoken to by the cops.  Of course, I was only trying to get alone with Marty (do not read into that) and not God - so I guess my kid is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was.

The point is - I thought I was a crappy parent of a teen - but I am coming to realize - I am a crappier parent of an 18 year old.  I can be - uh - obsessive (no comments Elyse!) in my worry and checking in on her.  It's so hard!!  I want to know, but I don't want to know - and this is a GOOD kid.  Lord knows she's in a WAY better spot than I ever was at her age!!

Seriously.  She's taking a cell phone break (ah crap - that means she's probably downtown with NO PHONE.  Sigh.  There is no sleep happening tonight!) and I think I need to take a technology break too.  Not from all of you - but from checking in on her and making sure she is safe, good, okay, healthy, happy, eating, not getting killed downtown at 10:30 p.m., etc.  Does that make me a bad parent??  MY HEAD HURTS from all the worry sometimes!  I'm beginning to wonder if I've crossed into the land of needing psychological help.... :)  Yeah, yeah, okay, so maybe I was in THAT place a long time ago!

Kidding around - but in all seriousness.  I really do think that for my own sanity - I'm going to take a break from my checking in.  Of course I'll call and all that - but I need to take a step back and realize she is safe in the arms of Jesus.  I can't fix anything from here.  She has to have some room to breathe for goodness sakes. 

Sorry Lysie Bug.  I love you.  Oh so stinking much.  I miss you more than I can stand some days.

Letting go is hard stuff!!

What a difference a year makes

Tonight I went to capsule night at my son's new school - also Marty's place of employment.  Who knew a year ago that I would be traveling the halls of Pioneer following my son's schedule?  Not me.

I've always been happy with Marty working there.  Of course there have been bumps and challenges along the way - but by in large, the support Marty receives as a teacher is tremendous.  I don't try to hide the fact that here, in the community we live in (at least in the school system arena), we are not welcome in a lot of places and by a lot of people - but there, in Ann Arbor, Marty is well-liked, well-respected and is considered one of the best teachers your child could have.

Because of the bad experience we have had here for the past 2 years of Jon's schooling, it's hard for me not to have a negative attitude about school in general.  It's hard for me not to be on the defensive and not to expect the worst.  It's hard for me to grasp that there are teachers (and a majority) who love my child, who want the best for my child and want nothing more than to see him succeed.

Tonight was incredible.  Jon truly has an amazing group of teachers - all of which we were able to hand pick - because that's just how things are done in Ann Arbor.  Because they care.  Every teacher talked about how much they cared about the kids, about how much they wanted them to succeed.  Every teacher talked about respect for each other, about having a family atmosphere in their classrooms, about the diversity and the acceptance of each other.  Every one talked about how the students will learn from each other and how they (the teachers) are learning from them (the students).

As I shook the hand of each teacher, I realized we have begun a new era.  One in which I, too,  will have to learn and grow.  One in which I will also learn to expect the best people can and do give, and not the worst.  I, too, will have to learn not to look at people with skepticism and realize not everyone is out to hurt you or your child.  Jon is growing, and so am I.

So - thank you Ann Arbor Public Schools.  That kind of care and concern starts at the top and filters down.  Thank you for caring about students and not just about test scores, blue ribbons, personal agendas and academia. Thank you.  I am more than excited to watch my child grow, learn - flourish - in your hallways.  For once - I am excited about school and community.  Thank you.

9/11

In 2 hours, it will officially be 10 years since a day that changed our lives here in the USA forever.  In tribute to those who lost their lives, to those who have fought since and for the families of the victims, I thought I would share what that day was like for me - many, many hours from New York.

Let me back up a bit.  I don't know if most of you this know this - but I am originally from New York City.  I was born there.  I don't remember it but I have still have relatives there.  Even though I don't sound like a New Yorker and don't know if I ever have - I still have a fond place in my heart for New York.

On that day, I was in an exercise class at Lifestyles which is actually no longer in existence.  I was stretching, class was just finishing up.  Someone ran into the gym and yelled frantically that our country was under attack and New York had just been hit.

It was a surreal moment and it still is.  When you live in a country that knows no war on it's home territory - at least not in my lifetime - it just doesn't seem real.  It didn't then, and it doesn't now.

I left class and drove home, still unwilling to believe we were "under attack."  Surely this woman had lost her mind and was exaggerating.  It wasn't possible, was it?

The kids were both at school and Marty at work.  I came home, turned on the t.v. and stared in utter disbelief at what I was seeing.  The lady was right.  At this point, the first tower had been hit and I sat in utter horror watching TV as the second tower was hit.  I watched the people run down the street in panic.  I watched people jump to their deaths.  My heart grew afraid, the tears rolling down my face.  It still didn't seem real.

Then reality kicked in.  Get the kids.  Get the husband.  Get away from the city.  Now.  Knowing that in panic moments, especially those involving my kids, sometimes I can get carried away, I called my hubby at work.  If I remember correctly, he hadn't heard yet.  I remember staring at the TV talking with him asking him if I should go get the kids and if we should get north to my parents.

The rest of the day is a blur.  I remember Marty said to leave the kids at school because they didn't need panicked parents flooding the hallways and causing chaos in the school.  I remember not being able to leave the TV - watching everything as it unfolded live.  I remember watching the first tower collapse, and then the second.  I remember the eerie silence of no planes in the skies for days.  I remember wondering if there was more to come.  I remember it took days - weeks - to stop watching the footage over and over and over again.  I remember getting to the point where I had to stop and turn the TV off - no more.  I couldn't do it anymore.

The kids were young and not able to understand.  We tried to keep life as normal as possible.  It was a new way to live.  I still get nervous at the airport and watch people with scrutiny in a way I never did before.

Life changed on 9/11.  I was more proud of my country in the days that followed than ever before.  I was more proud of being born in the city that stands more than ever before.  The terrorists only succeeded in waking a giant.  A giant of proud Americans - of all colors, of all races, or all religions - all coming together for the common good of our country.  Flags flew, people were patriotic.  I miss that.

I can't believe it has been 10 years.  Sure doesn't seem like it.  We have moved on.  We have moved forward.  Yet all it takes is 2 seconds of footage to bring it all back.

Thanks again to the men and women who risked their lives that day and in the days to follow to maintain our freedom.  Thank you to the families who lost their loved ones on that day - for they, too, sacrificed for our great nation.  We will never forget.

I hate Dieting

So, over the past month or so, I've been on a little quest.  Totally unhappy with my "perimenopausal" body, I am determined to get healthy, find some energy, and stop feeling like I am also pre-Alzheimer's.  I'm tired of being moody, cranky, fat, tired, and unenergetic.  I am far too young for this.

I had my thyroid numbers checked because seriously - something is not right with my body.  I am truly miserable.  I keep GAINING weight despite increasing my workouts.  True, I have not been focused food wise and I know I must combine both - but gaining?  Yeah - uh - no.

While awaiting the thyroid results, I am researching.  If I was as good at losing weight as I am at researching - I would be so thin, you'd be able to see through me.  But, unfortunately, I'm not.

So.  I've been watching documentaries, reading websites, checking out new diets.  I've looked at the 6-week body makeover, The Dukan Diet (lasted 1/2 a day), Eat-Clean (done before and loved but it costs a lot) and now I'm checking out the new Weight Watchers Program.  I'm currently checking out Weight Watchers online for free - 7 day trial thingy.  If I have good results, I might apply this one to my life.  I like it because I don't feel as restricted as I do with everything else.

Anywho - this is the conclusion I have drawn.  I hate dieting.  I also hate being overweight.  I hate feeling like crap.  I hate that there are SOOOOO many opinions (and most of the time - they are opinions and not facts - and the facts are all skewed to match the opinions) out there!  One book will tell you to eat carbs, the next, no carbs.  Don't eat processed, but please buy our bars.  Eat lots of proteins, ignore fruits and veggies.  It all sounds like screaming in my head after a while.

Here's the thing.  We were not all made alike.  Maybe the key is finding what works for YOU.  Make The Dukan diet works for someone.  Maybe the 6-week works for someone else.  Maybe we just all need to do SOMETHING instead of NOTHING.  I've been doing a lot of nothing, a lot of spinning in the dark, a lot of research and not a lot of - well - losing.

I'm lacking motivation.  Seriously.  But I have to do something - 'cause it ain't gonna get any better or change if I do nothing.  I think we should all share what works for us.  And remember different things work for different people - 'cause I get tired of reading all the reviews and people going off the deep end on each other just because what works for them doesn't work for someone else.  There is truly no reason to be so angry people.

Off topic.  I hate dieting.  What about you?

Campfire News

So - tomorrow (or today depending on when this posts) - we're gonna have a little bon/campfire.  I say campfire 'cause the fire pit ain't all that big - but - the more the merrier!  Friday night, 9-11ish, (p.m. of course), at our house.

Anywho - just wanted to say your all invited!!  We'd love to have you.  If you need directions, give me a call, facebook me or send me an e-mail and I'll get you directions.  It's BYOC and BYOS (Bring Your Own Chair and Bring Your Own Smores).  Nothing major - just a little campfire, some friends and some fun.  Can't wait to see you there!!

Random, and profound, thoughts (hardly!)

So it's been a long time since I've posted.  It's summer, my kiddos are home and it seems at times I have little time for thought let alone quality blogging!  I seem to have hit one of my dry spells and this one is going longer than most.  Sorry my 30 faithful readers who continue to read even when I post NADA.  You guys are awesome :)

Here are some random thoughts/struggles/things I'm processing as of late.

It feels/seems as if my friendships are "under review".  There are friendships I never thought would fall away that are.  It makes me sad.  No problems or anything - just fading away like a beautiful sunset - great while they lasted and beautiful to remember - but you no longer see them.  This morning in my prayer time, I was a little whiny.  I was having a pity moment about the fact that I feel like there are times we get left out of activities, times it seems everyone is too busy to hang out, times e-mails and phone calls are not returned and I'm left wondering what is so wrong with me that people don't seem to be interested in any kind of a friendship - when God reminded me of something.

No matter what - no matter whom you have as friends, no matter who walks away, who stays, who whatever - the one thing I can always count on is my friendship with God.  Maybe this time is a time where I feel alone in the world - but in the process - I always have Jesus.  With him, I don't have to be fun or funny or outgoing or whatever - I just have to be me - and He takes me right there.  I don't have to wonder what He is thinking, why He hasn't called, why my posts on His wall are going unanswered - He is always there.  Loving me, accepting me, finding me amazing - right where I'm at.

I want that to be enough.  I don't want to live in self pity, in self loathing.  I don't want to live wishing I was as funny as so and so, as beautiful as what's her name.  I don't want to care when I am intentionally left out of events by people who should know better.  I just want to be enough to Jesus.  I want that to be all I need.  Although I may be lonely in the friendships of this world - I am never alone with God.

Anyway.  That's all my thoughts for today.  Nothing great, extravagant or eloquent - just me.

A day to remember!

Today is June 28.  5 years ago today, I was recovering from surgery and received a call from my Dr.  I don't think I will soon forget his words.  You have cancer.

It was almost surreal, although I was prepared for it.  I'm a "researcher".   Love to search the Internet.  I knew the reason for surgery was to check my ever-enlarging throat.  Yet - no matter how prepared, no matter how much I think I already knew - it was still - crazy.  I was 35!  Cancer?

Now here I stand 5 years later on the same date.  5 years is the mark you are considered cured.  WOO HOO!!

I had an amazing surgeon.  I have an 8 inch scar across my neck - but I'll bet unless you look super close, you'll never see it.  Thank you Dr. Bungee for doing such an incredible job - and your bedside manner was always outstanding.  I had an incredible oncology team up at the University of Michigan.  They always took the time with me.  They showed me every test, explained everything in detail.  It was as if I was the only patient they had whatever day I came in or whatever test they had to run.  They truly were incredible.  Thank you to my family Dr. who, if not for her persistence, who knows where I would be now.  I tried to blow her off, telling her my neck was "always that big." She didn't listen.  By the time I had surgery 6 months after her initial concern, the thyroid/tumor was the size of a tennis ball on the left hand side alone - choking off my throat from the front and the back.  Medically speaking - I had it good and I will forever be grateful to all of you.

5 years.  It seems like such a long time ago.  God is truly amazing.  He is the ultimate healer - the great physician.  His hand guided me every step of the way during my cancer journey.  Now - I am cancer free and now - CURED!  YEE HAW!!  I will forever sing His praise!

Social Justice

I was thinking today about all the wrong in the world and our response as Christians when I realized something.

I've been "trying" to lose weight for a long time.  I talk about it, I dream about it, I think about it (constantly).  But the reality is - I rarely DO anything about it - especially for any sustained period of time.

If your a regular reader of my blog, or someone I know personally - you know I take social justice seriously.  I love a good cause and I'm always ready for the next "fight".  But today I was feeling overwhelmed.  Much like the way I feel about my weight sometimes.  There's so much to do - but where in the world does one even begin?

My weight stresses me out and in the past few days - the wrong in the world - has stressed me out.  I'm not sure what it was about 3 days talking about sexual abuse and trafficking - but it sent me into a bit of a - I don't know if I'd call it depression - maybe we'll call it a state of being frozen.  Where to go from here.  Do I WANT to go anywhere in the first place?

Yet, at the same time, one thing I do not like is this.  I don't like when I see people - Christians especially - shake their heads at injustice, say "that's a shame" or "that's not right" or "it's not fair" - but then go home to their comfortable homes and their comfortable food and their comfortable, perfect, pretty little lives - and do nothing.  They feel - for a moment - sadness for those poor people "over there" or "in that situation" - but the truth of the matter is - they do not care enough to get mad enough to do enough.  For whatever reason - they too, choose to turn a blind eye to the grave injustice in this world.  I don't understand their reasoning but as with everything else - it's always best to check the mirror before you spend too much time pointing your finger at others.

Which brings me to this point.  For the past couple of days, I have felt stuck. Not sure where to go or what to do next.  Not sure I even wanted to proceed forward if three days took that much out of me.  Yet - I can't be that person who shakes my head and says "that's too bad" and walks away from it all.  Praise Jesus HE did not take that route - if He had - we'd all be sent straight to hell.

No, I want to do something.  I want to get out of my comfort zone and stop talking and start doing.  More than I am now.  It's not enough to talk about it, to think about it, to dream about it - it's only enough - and even then it's not - to do something about it.   To put feet to thoughts.  Action to dreams.  It's time to get dirty, to hurt, to break, to feel something - anything - for those not as fortunate as I.  It's time to start acting like Jesus - to talk to prostitutes, to eat with sinners, to sacrifice for all.

What does that mean?  I'm not sure yet.  I'm going to pray and I'm going to move forward where I know I have open doors.  Then we'll see where God takes me.

God has called us NOT to turn our heads but to be Jesus to this world.  It mattered to Him - and it should matter to us.

Happy Birthday :)

Happy Happy Birthday to the SEXIEST man alive - my husband ;)  It's his 40th people so make sure you wish him a great big happy birthday when you see him.

I'm pretty stinking thankful for the day this man was born - because he has made me the happiest woman alive.

Happy 40th babe!

God is waaaaayyy cool!

So today I spent the day with an INCREDIBLE organization called Mending The Soul.  I can not tell you what an amazing day it was.  This afternoon - surrounded by Pastors, Community Leaders, my fellow trouble-makers (just joking) at The Daughter Project and the beautiful Mending The Soul team - wow.  Isn't it great when you KNOW God is in the midst??  Can I get an AMEN???

:)

Seriously my friends - what a day.  I'm so thankful for the time we had with these amazing people.  There's more to it than I can share tonight.  Stayed up all night talking with one of the speakers and I'm a little tired this evening and making coherent thoughts seems to be a problem!!  I'll try to write more in the next couple of days.

Just wanted to say that I love my Jesus.  I love that He places people in our lives that are like-minded.  I love that His timing is always perfect. 

Okay - this is gonna have to wait 'till tomorrow.  I seriously can't think straight I'm so tired.  Love you guys at Mending The Soul.  Thanks for an amazing weekend.  Lots of laughs - you guys kept us in stitches and we felt blessed to get to know you.  I was seriously sad to say goodbye tonight and felt like we had known each other for a lifetime.  Thanks for all you do.

Grad Party Greatness :)

After weeks of work, today we partied!!  What an amazing day.  Let me explain.

It started at 6:10 a.m. for me.  Couldn't sleep.  I was thinking (worrying) about everything that needed to be done still.  I decided this was just the kind of day to get out of bed and get on my knees.  So, I grabbed my phone (aka bible), prayer journal and hit the back deck before anyone got out of bed.

It was chilly and looked like rain.  God and I had a little talk about the weather and the forecast.  Then we talked about what a blessing my daughter is to us.  We talked about safety for those coming and most importantly, that we would be the best representation of Christ we could be.  I prayed for some people specifically - some that they would come to know Jesus personally, some for strength, some for safety, etc.  God and I - we had a good time.

After getting my focus where it belonged, it was the fastest 6 hours of my life.  The party came before I knew it and I didn't even have time to do my hair and makeup - so up in a pony tail it went.  I didn't look that great - but the house and back yard were kickin' :)  Elyse looked beautiful in her yellow dress.  The kitchen was super busy and friends and family began arriving quickly.

My biggest surprise of the day was Negasi, Emily, Natu and Calieb coming all the way from Grand Rapids.  Sometime I will tell you about our special friends.  We only get to see them once or twice a year and boy do we miss them.  They are like kids to us and their kids like grandkids.  We really love these guys and when I saw them, I ran out of the house, flew down the deck steps and gave them a great big hug!  It was so incredible seeing them.  I had to stop from crying when they left :(

So many friends and family were here to celebrate with us today!  Not a relative was missing - Aunts/Uncles/Cousins/Grandparents/Great Aunt & Uncle - it was awesome!  Lots of friends - new friends, old friends - good friends.  Thank you to all of you who came and joined us in celebration.  Thank you for being part of Elyse's day.  Thank you for reminding me once again of how blessed we are with good family and good friends.  Thank you for those who cooked food, those who brought food, those who prepared food - no way I could have pulled it off without all of you!  You freed me up to spend time with out honored guests and that was a great gift to me.  Thank you to those who helped clean up, Aly for taking what will be fun and classic pictures (can't wait to see some of those - love me some families with a sense of humor), Lane & Jay for the tent/table/chairs.  So many people worked hard to make today as special as it was.

It was really a good day.  70% chance of thunderstorms.  It didn't even rain.  What a mighty God we serve!

But the greatest blessing of all?

Our daughter.  She is so beautiful.  She is an amazing blessing in our lives.  Today I thought "you are beyond blessed".  Thanking Jesus today for all the blessings He poured out - but most importantly - for a daughter who loves Him, who serves Him, and who is headed to college to grow in Him in a very short amount of time.  Congratulations baby girl - you have made us proud.  More importantly - you have made your Savior proud.  Although He wasn't there in a "physical" sense today - I KNOW He walked amongst us today.  I know He smiled and laughed and thought "that's my girl" so many times.  I saw Him in the beautiful sunshine, I saw Him in friends and family and I saw Him in you.  Thank you for being who you are.  We love you.

Today was a great day!  Thanks again to all of you for joining us.  Can't wait to show you some pictures!

Trip down memory lane

Hmmm.  How to start this post?

The past 2 weeks, I've been taking a "wonderful" trip down memory lane.  You know, not much surprises me about my past.  Yes, there are times I don't remember, memories that are missing.  It's to be expected.  I don't stress over it - a wise counselor once said to me "When God decides you are ready to remember, you will."  I remember enough to have a pretty good grasp about what happened the times I don't remember.

Not sure what started it all honestly but I've spent a few nights waking up with some very specific memories in dreams that I know are more than dreams.  It's been - frustrating.

I know a bit about recovery, about healing, about surviving - about overcoming.  I've spent a lifetime doing it.  There are a few key things that help.

First and foremost - get on your knees.  Take it all to the foot of the cross.  Without that, there is no victory.  Second, walk through, not around, not over - but through.  Grieve, get angry, cry, scream, do whatever you need to do - but don't ignore it, don't pretend it didn't happen, don't pretend it doesn't hurt.  Just walk through it.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.  Third - talk.

I hadn't said anything to Marty.  Sometimes when I think about specifics, I don't want to hurt other people with it.  It's not easy for my husband to hear the details.  He's always willing to listen and would prefer I talk instead of staying silent - but sometimes I don't want to hurt him with my hurt - so I keep it to myself.  Plus, to talk specifics is not easy.  I was keeping it all to myself - but it was making me cranky, short tempered and irritated.

I counsel people all the time and this is the main thing I share.  Take the power away from the memory by giving it a voice.  I don't know what it is about that - but the moment I finally opened my mouth after almost 19 years of silence and gave a voice to all that was stuffed inside - I began to heal.  I forgot that for a moment so today, I shared what was on my heart with my husband.  It made him cry, which makes me sad - but if it didn't make him cry, well then he would be a jerk, wouldn't he??

Anywho - I don't enjoy these times where my past wraps it's arms around my heart and drags me down.  Yet, I'm so thankful that Jesus has given me the tools to be able to deal with it and move forward in my life.  I'm thankful for a husband who is always willing to listen, who is always patient with me and who understands the times when I become a little distant.  If not for him, I would never be where I am today.

I have a feeling tonight I will get a good nights sleep.  Thanking Jesus for the amazing man of God He has given me - and for the healing power of Jesus Christ.