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Sunday, July 31, 2011


This past weekend was awesome.  It's been so very long since I've laughed and relaxed the way I was able to this last few days. 

Marty was helping a college buddy with a soccer camp in Muskegon.  In the meantime, I was staying with his friends wife - which - honestly - I was nervous about!  I had never met her and I thought - this is gonna be awkward :)  I am sometimes shy and was concerned.

It's funny how God works things out and this weekend was one of those times. 

We arrived Thursday afternoon and I sat in the car while Marty and Keith coached the camp.  After that we went to his house.  His wife, Sarah, had to work so she didn't get home for a while.  Once she got home, it didn't take long to realize not only was it NOT going to be awkward - but we were going to get along great.

3 nights in a row, we were up LATE.  One night until almost 4 a.m.  We shared stories, we laughed, we played games.  I can't tell you how blessed I was.  It has been SO long - so very long.

Life can sure bog you down and when you get a moment to breathe and realize how bogged down you've been - a weekend like this one can be refreshing.  My only wish is that I could sell the house and move - like NOW.  Back to the west side of the state, back to the beach - back to Godly loving friends who have always supported my family even though the years have separated us.

I had a lot of reflection time on Friday.  Everyone had to work so I spent the day at the beach alone.  As I walked down the sand to the water, I was reminded of the times we brought Elyse to that same park as a baby.  I shed a few tears and thanked God for all the special times we have been given with her.  It seems like yesterday that I held her little chubby hand and walked with her down to the water.  I can still see her little swimsuit and beach hat.  I can hear her giggle and see her delight with the water and the sand and the birds she loved so much.  The years have been good and she has turned into a beautiful young woman of God.

I had time to reflect on our marriage and how far God has brought us.  As much as a piece - major piece - of my heart was left in Grand Rapids, God moved us here to strengthen this beautiful marriage He has given us.  I thought about how I am more in love with this amazing man than I was those times we tossed Elyse as a toddler back and forth in the water as she laughed and we soaked in her sunshine.  I am thankful for the unbreakable bond that is now my marriage.  I am thankful Marty is my closest friend.  This, too, brought tears to my eyes.

I thought long and hard about the difficult times.  The times, the years, that have sapped my joy, my energy, my excitement for life.  I questioned God to some extent - wondering why He has allowed all He has since we left Grand Rapids.  I am not the person I was when we left 13 years ago.  My smile is not as big, my laughter not as loud.  I am guarded, cautious, skeptical, suspicious, worried, fearful and spend too much time worrying about all that could go wrong instead of thanking God for all that has gone right.

I went back to our friends house feeling empty.  Wishing, dreaming, that I could come home, pack up and move.  As if leaving here would be a way to leave all I have become and returning there would return me to the relaxed, joy filled person I once was.

Saturday I spent with my new friend Sarah.  I don't think she'll ever know (unless she reads this post!) how good that day was for me.  We had a great time together.  We spent some time going to garage sales and went to the beach.  Had a lot of fun with their kids swimming.  The "boys" (my hubby and hers) came later and we swam some more.  Then we spent time walking the boardwalk Marty and I would when we were college students.  We had dinner, ice cream and we went to the musical fountain.  The cares drained off me and I was able to spend several hours in the moment.  We went home, they put their kids to bed - and we stayed up until 3:45 - yes - 3:45 - a.m. - playing games, laughing, talking.  I didn't want to go to bed.  It truly was one of the best days I have had in - well - forever.

I know this is a long post and I apologize.  I came home today refreshed and determined to begin to live in the moment.  I want to find a way to stop worrying, fretting, trying to - I don't know - trying to make everything perfect.  Just enjoy the laughter for today with my kids.  Stop worrying about all that drags me down.  I'm not sure how to put it - but I spend so much time trying to make sure nothing bad ever happens to us.  I think about the "what ifs" all the time.  I suffocate everyone around me trying to make sure no one gets hurt emotionally or physically.  I need to stop.  I can't prevent everything - and all this time I've spent trying has sucked the joy right out of me and made me lose the good moments.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not - but it became really, really clear to me this weekend.  I can't worry about tomorrow - I can only do the best I can do today.  Live in the moment.

That's my reflections for the weekend.  It was a special one for me.  I don't know that words do this weekend justice.  And no, I'm not trying to be melodramatic!  It was just fun, refreshing, relaxing.  I literally haven't laughed that hard in years - and it was - nice.

This next week we'll be heading back to Lake Michigan as a family.  I am determined to have fun.  Live in the moment.  Stop trying to control everyone around me and laugh - a lot.  Trust God.  When the waves are rolling and I am wanting everyone to come back to shore so they don't get sucked into an - what's that called - undertow?? - instead - I'm going out.  I'm riding the waves.  If the undertow takes us out (okay this is dramatic - it is, after all, just Lake Michigan!) - then at least we go out together - laughing - and having fun.  God is there, too - and I've forgotten that.  It's time for me to step back and let the "man" do His job.

Well, that's all folks.  An incredibly long post to reflect on a weekend.  Thanks for sticking with me to the end :)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Slavery Map

Want to know if slavery IS happening in your backyard?  Go to this site and click on the map in your area.  Little orange boxes appear and you can click on them for further information.  It's - well - heart breaking.  You don't have to register for the site to check your area.  That confused me at first - but I finally figured it out.  There are several cases in our area of Toledo.  It isn't the problem of other nations alone - it is our problem too.  We must become aware.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Savior, Please - Josh Wilson

This morning - gonna start the day off right - time in His presence.  Second song played was this one.  Yeah, I kinda like it.  Kind of reminds me of someone I know... Me.  Anyway - Enjoy.

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Struggle for Significance

Am I the only one who struggles with this?  Maybe it's the time of life I'm entering - about to send one child off to college, another entering high school - neither of them needing me like they used to.  As I'm slowly squeezed out of their lives in exchange for friends, activities, sports and the opposite sex - I find myself wondering who in the world I am.

I realize raising teens is tough.  And I have GREAT teens!  It's just weird not having a child who cuddles up to me and tells me how I'm the best Mom in the world.  Nope, don't hear that one anymore, that's for sure!!  Everyone tells me that will return one day and although part of me looongs for that day - the other part of me isn't quite ready to have a totally empty house just yet.

It's just weird.  This point in life.  I don't know who I am.  What's my purpose?  I've spent so many years developing my kids that I've, honestly, not spent a lot of time developing any friendships or anything else for that matter.  Some days I'd really just like a girlfriend to go to coffee with and I do have a couple I can squeeze some coffee time in (and I love them for it) - but - it's weird.  Now that I'm not consumed with kids - what now?

I'm, honestly, feeling pretty darn INsignificant.  Like no one really needs me anymore.  Does anyone care what I think about anything or does everyone just wish I would shut up and go away?  Am I the only one who struggles with this?  Maybe it's all in my head.  Yet - it IS the way I feel.  Like I don't have a place, a purpose, a - ANYTHING.

This morning, I was ticked off at God.  Sorry if this offends you - but some days - I yell at God (in my head).  I so wanted to connect with Him and then on the way to church, my hubby and I (who rarely fight) got into a stupid tiff about something dumb - and then I was out of wanting to connect to God.  I was just mad.  I spent most of the service angry with Him and him.  How fair is that?  He (and he) does so much good in my life, yet, when things are not as I would like them (think princess and the pea) - I blame Him (and him).  More than likely, it's all my fault - but - I would rather blame Him and him I guess.  Anyway - the end result - no connection when everyone else seems to be connecting.  Talk about ANNOYING!!

The point is - lately - I've found myself frustrated.  Struggling for my significance.  Wanting and desperately needing a focus - something to call my own.  Something to make me feel needed.  Silly probably - is this a 40 year old thing?  Like a mid-life crisis?  Hmmm.  Gonna have to think about that one.

Anyone else think this way - or is it just me??

Friday, July 15, 2011

Where is the justice?

Tonight, I am sad and frustrated. This is not normally something that bothers me. I don't know why it's gotten under my skin tonight - but - it has. Let me explain.

As most of you know, (and if you don't - please read "Beautiful Past"(upper left side under the blog heading) before this post and it will help you understand) - I was a victim of childhood sexual/physically/emotional abuse. It went on from my earliest memories until I turned 18. I am thankful to my Jesus for all He has done in my life. Again - read the Beautiful Past page and you'll have more info.

Anyway. Probably every 6 months or so, I check online on the registry to see where my father is. I haven't seen him since the age of 18 and it's my way of keeping track of him. To make a long story short, about two years ago, I noticed he had was listed as "non-compliant" on the Michigan registry. I was able to locate him in South Bend, IN so I checked the IN registry - and he wasn't registered. He is supposed to register for life.

To make a long story short, I contacted the Michigan State Police and explained the situation. I had an address, and I gave it to them. All I asked is that he remains registered. That way I can at least do my part in protecting other girls. The Michigan State Police then informed me there was some sort of "glitch" in their system and actually he was considered compliant in Michigan. He had moved out of state and technically, was no longer their problem. However, he was NOT compliant in Indiana because he did not register.

Stupidly, I trusted them and left it in their hands. (Sorry, this part makes me bitter). I was informed they would pass on the information to the local police in Indiana and the situation would be handled.  I assumed I would be contacted.  You know what they say about assuming.

Well, guess what? Oh they "handled" it all right. They fixed the "glitch" in their program, listed him as compliant - and, to my knowledge, never contacted the Indiana State Police nor the local police in South Bend. He was out of their state and that's all that mattered to them. It's wrong on so many levels I can't even say.  I was never contacted.

Honestly, I just walked away from it. This is a side of things that can get me pretty worked up. It was botched from the beginning justice wise. I've let go of that honestly - but it still doesn't make it okay. There is very little care for victims - or at least this victim - and it was this way from the start.

Anywho. So. I went on tonight to do my check. Guess what I found out? Now he has been dropped ENTIRELY from all registries. He's still not on Indiana's, not on Michigan's and not on the national registry. This is exactly what I told the police would happen - he would disappear. And he has. Now - the question is - is he dead and no one bothered to tell me? Or is he running free somewhere, not complying with the law, and some other child is being victimized?

It's not right. I'm tired of it. I don't know what I can do to change the laws and to make those in charge care - but I'd like to do whatever that is to make people stand up and take notice. Yeah, I'm ticked off tonight. Those that are supposed to protect - ah nevermind.

That's all. I don't even know if there is anything I could, or should, do about it. It just makes me mad.

-End Rant-

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I hate Dieting

So, over the past month or so, I've been on a little quest.  Totally unhappy with my "perimenopausal" body, I am determined to get healthy, find some energy, and stop feeling like I am also pre-Alzheimer's.  I'm tired of being moody, cranky, fat, tired, and unenergetic.  I am far too young for this.

I had my thyroid numbers checked because seriously - something is not right with my body.  I am truly miserable.  I keep GAINING weight despite increasing my workouts.  True, I have not been focused food wise and I know I must combine both - but gaining?  Yeah - uh - no.

While awaiting the thyroid results, I am researching.  If I was as good at losing weight as I am at researching - I would be so thin, you'd be able to see through me.  But, unfortunately, I'm not.

So.  I've been watching documentaries, reading websites, checking out new diets.  I've looked at the 6-week body makeover, The Dukan Diet (lasted 1/2 a day), Eat-Clean (done before and loved but it costs a lot) and now I'm checking out the new Weight Watchers Program.  I'm currently checking out Weight Watchers online for free - 7 day trial thingy.  If I have good results, I might apply this one to my life.  I like it because I don't feel as restricted as I do with everything else.

Anywho - this is the conclusion I have drawn.  I hate dieting.  I also hate being overweight.  I hate feeling like crap.  I hate that there are SOOOOO many opinions (and most of the time - they are opinions and not facts - and the facts are all skewed to match the opinions) out there!  One book will tell you to eat carbs, the next, no carbs.  Don't eat processed, but please buy our bars.  Eat lots of proteins, ignore fruits and veggies.  It all sounds like screaming in my head after a while.

Here's the thing.  We were not all made alike.  Maybe the key is finding what works for YOU.  Make The Dukan diet works for someone.  Maybe the 6-week works for someone else.  Maybe we just all need to do SOMETHING instead of NOTHING.  I've been doing a lot of nothing, a lot of spinning in the dark, a lot of research and not a lot of - well - losing.

I'm lacking motivation.  Seriously.  But I have to do something - 'cause it ain't gonna get any better or change if I do nothing.  I think we should all share what works for us.  And remember different things work for different people - 'cause I get tired of reading all the reviews and people going off the deep end on each other just because what works for them doesn't work for someone else.  There is truly no reason to be so angry people.

Off topic.  I hate dieting.  What about you?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

How you can help

Recently I had someone comment on my blog about how they could help in the fight against sex trafficking so I thought I would post this here and give you something to pray about.

I don't know this person personally and I'm trying to remember how I happened on her blog in the first place.  She works in prison ministry and in the brothels in Haiti to bring the love of Jesus to all imprisoned there - in whatever way they are in chains.  It's amazing to me.  She is allowed to go into the brothels and work with the girls - pray with them, shine the light of Jesus on them.  She gets to know the women there and just plain loves on them.  It's pretty cool if you ask me!  When I think I can't do anything "big" for the kingdom - I look at this blog and think - now there is someone who simply loves on people - and look at how awesome it is!!

On her latest post entitled "Where to Begin?", if you scroll down, she will tell you the names of the girls in a new brothel she is now visiting.  You can pray for those girls by name.  I found it interesting to note - almost all of these women are working in the brothel since the earthquake.  With no other means to feed their families, they ended up selling their bodies to help their families.  What a heart breaker.  Can you imagine being so desperate?  Can you?  Oh church - there is so much to be done in the world!  So many need the love of Jesus!!  So many need even more - feet to action!

Just wanted you to check out Melonnie's blog, read the stories, allow it to break you heart and get on your knees and pray for these women.  We can all make a difference!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Guatemala Bound (Se dirigiĆ³ a Guatemala)

I used Google translate with Guatemala Bound and got "Guatemala Limite" (can't make the little mark of the first i, sorry) - and that's not exactly what I was trying to say.  That would be more like, well, literally, Guatemala limited - using bound as in tied up instead of headed to.

WHEW - anyway - so Se dirigio (again, I don't know how to type the accent) was a little lesson for me.  I didn't know that word (dirigio) yet.

Anywho.  Here's the whole point.  Thought I would share what was going on in this aspect of our lives.  Little bit of a surprise, even for me.

If you've known us for any length of time, you know we long, dream, and can't wait, to be on the mission field full time.  There are times the dream seems soooooooo distant.  It's heart breaking to think of what we are called to be, yet we are still here - a long way from where I thought God wanted us to be.  Sometimes I question God, wondering how long we have to suffer for our past mistakes, and just try to learn what it is He must still have us to learn.

The point is - sometimes God throws a little surprise and this is one of those things.

Never once in my whole missions heart have I ever had even a spark of wanting to go to Central America.  Yes, my husband is semi-fluent in Spanish, yes, I have a good base - but I never had any kind of desire to go to a Spanish speaking country.  My heart has always been in Africa.  It's where I feel we're called to be.  But - something presented itself recently that's causing a bit of a "rift" in my walk.

Our Pastor called Marty up to see if he would be interested in leading a trip to Guatemala next year with a group called Champions in Action.  It would team up Marty's love of soccer, heart for missions, and fluency in Spanish.  Marty has ALWAYS had a desire to combine soccer and missions.  We met up with a wonderful couple who - well I'm not sure their title - they are the parents to the person who does these trips to Guatemala.  I think we spent an hour with them to talk about the possibility of us taking a trip with them to Guatemala.

I think Marty was probably ready to jump at it immediately - but I hesitated.  Again - never any desire to go to a Spanish speaking country.  I wasn't sure.  I didn't feel pulled, called, or anything.  We spent several days in prayer and Marty was feeling very led to go.  I still wasn't.  One day, God just gently reminded me that I was to follow my husband and allow him to take the spiritual lead.  I tend to be just a bit of a control freak so I knew that was a God-thought and not a Tami-thought - lol :)  So - I gave Marty the news and here we are.

No details as of yet, but we will take a trip, hopefully with some others, to Guatemala next summer around the end of June.  As soon as I have details - I'll let you know and will most likely have an informational type of blog about the trip.  We would love for you to come along.  Basically, it is my understanding we work with Champions in Action with 12-18 year old boys.  I think - but don't quote me - most of them are street kids.  They come to camp to learn soccer - and about God.  Soccer is the pull - God is the focus.  Champions in Action also connects the boys up with local resources to help them out.  United Way as well as several area churches are involved from what I understand.

So, you ask, where is my heart now?  Is it in Guatemala yet?  Not quite.  I'm still tossing this one around in my head honestly!!  Someone at church tonight said "I never saw you guys in Guatemala" - and I said "me neither!" and then she wisely said "but God will still move".

I think part of my problem is I can't believe it will really happen.  The cost for all 4 of us to go will probably exceed 5,000.  If you've been a reader of my blog for a while now, you know we had hoped to go to Ethiopia a few years back with Global Expeditions.  The cost then was 10,000.  We didn't even touch the surface.  I didn't understand God then.  I thought for sure He had called.  We are in a far worse financial situation now than we were then, and I can't wrap my head around being able to raise 5,000 for all of us to go.  That's one thing about us - we do everything as a family - and this will be no exception.  Maybe that's part of my hesitation - afraid to get my hopes up for something that may never happen.  And now we'll be in charge of a group of other people.  Fear of letting them down is as great as fear of letting myself down.  We've got a kid going to college this fall and as it is, I wonder where the money (and when) will come from for that - let alone to think about this.

However.  I will move forward.  I will follow my husband where he feels led to go.  I will sit back and watch God do His thing.  I will trust and He will lead.  I will work on my Spanish, learn the guitar (always thought it would be a good skill to have on missions trips!) and not doubt. Or at least, I'll work on that!  Prayfully, at this time next year, my heart will have been left with the people of Guatemala and I will be looking very forward to being with them again.

Not sure how Guatemala fits in with the whole African plan - but - God does.  We are called to go out into the world.  No matter what part of the world it is, God is there.  My job is to take His hand and walk alongside of Him and be amazed in his presence.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Campfire News

So - tomorrow (or today depending on when this posts) - we're gonna have a little bon/campfire.  I say campfire 'cause the fire pit ain't all that big - but - the more the merrier!  Friday night, 9-11ish, (p.m. of course), at our house.

Anywho - just wanted to say your all invited!!  We'd love to have you.  If you need directions, give me a call, facebook me or send me an e-mail and I'll get you directions.  It's BYOC and BYOS (Bring Your Own Chair and Bring Your Own Smores).  Nothing major - just a little campfire, some friends and some fun.  Can't wait to see you there!!

Where are the fathers?

Today as we were driving home from Jimmy Johns we got in a discussion about this topic.

My "little" man was commenting on the prevalence of Jr. high boys that ask girls for naked pictures and jr high girls who actually take them - and send them to everyone in their contact list.  No kidding. 

Where are the fathers?  Where are the fathers to speak to their sons on what is appropriate and what isn't?  Where are the fathers checking their sons phone to make sure nothing like that has made it's way to their phone?

Even more so - where are the fathers who train their daughters how to be a young lady?  How to act like a young lady, talk like a young lady - and keep themselves covered.  Where are the fathers who teach their daughters about pureness and innocence?  Where are the fathers who protect their daughters from the predators?

I see a sad thing.  I think it's our generation - those raising teens now - in our late 30's to late 40's - that have done a serious disservice to our children.  We're not there.  Maybe we're not bad parents - abusive or whatever - but we're absent.  Many times I see my generation so intent on fulfilling their needs and desires and wants that their kids are left out in the cold.

Let me ask you this Dad.  How many hours are you putting in at work?  Are you home taking your daughter out for breakfast or lunch?  Taking her on "dates" to show her how she should expect a man to treat her?  Are you more concerned with the cars, the boats, the vacations - than you are about raising your child?  Yes, quality time matters - but so does quantity.

I'll tell you what I see.  I see a generation of people who care more about their toys than their children.  I see a generation more concerned about time with their friends than about the friends their kids are hanging out with.  I see a generation working more and more and being in the home less and less.  I see a very selfish generation.

Is that what you want for your beautiful daughter?  Do you want her to fall and give in when some hormone filled boy asks her for naked pictures?  Or do you want her to realize her true beauty and not succumb to the pressure?  It's up to you Dad - it really is.  Teach her what she's worth - by being there for her.  That way when some moron asks her for inappropriate pictures - she'll say what my daughter said "I'd punch 'em in the throat!" (Okay so she's a bit violent but you get the point!)

I'm not saying all dad's in our generation are bad.  My husband is an amazing Dad and I know lots of other amazing Dad's - but obviously, if there are lots of girls at our Jr. high who have taken naked pictures of themselves and handed them out like candy - then we have a problem.  At least here, in our town.  Sounds to me like there is a lot of work to be done to raise Godly men and Godly women and to help those who need some love and guidance.

My point is this.  It's not about where you go on vacation, what car you drive or how big your house is.  It doesn't matter if you put in 12 hour work days and you think your finished there.  Your not.  Your children - both our sons and our daughters - are crying out for your love, your attention, your affection.  The cost is too big not to pay attention.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

His mercies are new every morning

I've been working hard at getting up before the kiddos (well, okay, so it's not that hard when they are teenagers and rarely out of bed before 11 a.m. :) ) to spend some quiet time with the Lord.  I love to sit on the back deck, listen to the songs of the birds, feel the semi-cool breeze, look at all the green grass and blue skies.  I'm trying to soak it all in hoping my memory will serve me well in the long cold hard winters.  Every summer I think I could live here forever and every winter I wonder what in the world I'm still living here for.

Anywho - not the point.  This morning as I was doing my devotions - it was rather awkward.  Although we have a nice backyard - actually, a nice yard in general, on one side, we're pretty close to the neighbors.  They are in the process of slowly (no woman in the house thus the slow movement on the project.  Weeks upon weeks.  If I were there, they'd be done by now!  Lol - I don't care but I think it's funny how the pace differs when there is no chick to move things along!!)  removing their old wooden siding and replacing it.  They did the back of the house last summer.  It's funny how people's taste differs.  I am not a fan of the color of diarrhea - lol - but they love it!  They are doing this very strange siding with the diarrhea paint to go along with it.  But hey - I do like my neighbors - he's a good guy - no partying -  lets us use his driveway and never complains about the 5 million balls of all different varieties that are constantly in his yard.  So - having said that - he can paint it the color of poop if he so chooses :)

Wow.  This post is so far off my original intent, I'm going to have to think of a new title.

So - devotional time was awkward this morning.  Hard to get your praise on (which many times involves tears for me) with the neighbors 5 feet from you.  Although awkward, it was still a good time with God.

Oh for goodness sakes.  I have totally lost what I wanted to say to begin this post.  Yep, it's gone.  Anywho - me and Kiwi (worlds best dog) enjoy our morning time before the chaos of the day begins.

I do know at some point I wanted to share that after all my whining in the previous post, I must have had 5 different people contact me (who didn't see the post) yesterday.  Friday night I think we're going to have a bonfire/campfire and have some people over.  I've posted it on Facebook in hopes some new faces will be brave and stop on by.

WEll.  Wasn't THIS an exciting post??  Yes, His mercies are new every morning.  Even when your neighbor is standing right next to you painting his house a beautiful shade of brown.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Random, and profound, thoughts (hardly!)

So it's been a long time since I've posted.  It's summer, my kiddos are home and it seems at times I have little time for thought let alone quality blogging!  I seem to have hit one of my dry spells and this one is going longer than most.  Sorry my 30 faithful readers who continue to read even when I post NADA.  You guys are awesome :)

Here are some random thoughts/struggles/things I'm processing as of late.

It feels/seems as if my friendships are "under review".  There are friendships I never thought would fall away that are.  It makes me sad.  No problems or anything - just fading away like a beautiful sunset - great while they lasted and beautiful to remember - but you no longer see them.  This morning in my prayer time, I was a little whiny.  I was having a pity moment about the fact that I feel like there are times we get left out of activities, times it seems everyone is too busy to hang out, times e-mails and phone calls are not returned and I'm left wondering what is so wrong with me that people don't seem to be interested in any kind of a friendship - when God reminded me of something.

No matter what - no matter whom you have as friends, no matter who walks away, who stays, who whatever - the one thing I can always count on is my friendship with God.  Maybe this time is a time where I feel alone in the world - but in the process - I always have Jesus.  With him, I don't have to be fun or funny or outgoing or whatever - I just have to be me - and He takes me right there.  I don't have to wonder what He is thinking, why He hasn't called, why my posts on His wall are going unanswered - He is always there.  Loving me, accepting me, finding me amazing - right where I'm at.

I want that to be enough.  I don't want to live in self pity, in self loathing.  I don't want to live wishing I was as funny as so and so, as beautiful as what's her name.  I don't want to care when I am intentionally left out of events by people who should know better.  I just want to be enough to Jesus.  I want that to be all I need.  Although I may be lonely in the friendships of this world - I am never alone with God.

Anyway.  That's all my thoughts for today.  Nothing great, extravagant or eloquent - just me.

Friday, July 1, 2011


Quick update - I'll try to get some pics later to gross you out with :)

Little man (not so little any more but he'll always be my little man!) did a 15 year old thing and burned his hand pretty good.  He's got 2nd degree burns on his right hand - palm/ring/middle finger.  I think he's counted over 13 blisters.  Off today to check in with the family Dr. to see how the healing is progressing.  Fortunately he has been pain free.  He was in a lot of pain the first night but it subsided after that.  Hoping for no scaring - he's worried about that.

Anywho - that's a quick update and now I'm off to that Dr.'s appointment!
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