College

I loved college.  Loved it.  It was some of the most amazing years of my life. I was finally free, I was running and not looking back.  I figured out who I was.  I found my voice.  I learned to stand up for myself, learned to speak instead of stay silent.  I met my husband at college, practiced my craft at college.  I laughed a lot and made lasting friendships.  I look back on college and can't think of a single negative thing about it.  Even the tough times were what helped shape me and protect me.  Life was fresh, exciting.  I was in a new place, able to make my own choices, choose my own direction.  It was fun.  It was a dream I wasn't used to living.  I loved it.

Never once in those 4 years did I stop and think about it from any perspective than mine.  Never once did I wonder how hard my it must be for my Mom.  It just didn't dawn on me.  Literally wasn't a thought in my head - and now I feel terrible about that.

Now I'm the Mom.  My daughter is home for the first time since leaving in August and today she shed some tears.  I knew she would.  It's a harsh reality to come home from college for the first time.  While you're off having a grand ole time, the world you left behind goes on without you and something about that - just seems wrong.  You know people still love you - but it just feels - off.  I tried to warn her because I haven't forgotten the first time I came home - but - it's something you have to experience for yourself.

What scares me is that all it took was my coming home once or twice for me to realize I really DID love this new world I was making for myself and before long - I just plain stopped coming home all that often.  I know my circumstances were far different than my daughters - but honestly - I wonder when that moment will come for her.  It's normal, it's natural, and in a bittersweet way - it's a moment that when it arrives, I will know she's going to be okay - but it certainly doesn't feel good on this end.  At some point, I met my husband and his family - and then I think my Mom might have seen me only a couple of times a year for a while.  I dread that.

Last night she fell asleep in my bed as we watched criminal minds at 4:00 a.m. because we were too wired from the trip home.  Her roommate slept in her room and Marty hit the couch.  This morning I woke up to her snoring next to me and just smiled.  It's good to have her home.  She doesn't know it, but I sat and just watched her sleep, rubbed her back and tried to soak in the memory for the days she is gone.  I doubt I have many of those moments left with her so I try to enjoy them when they happen.

I'm so happy for her - she loves college.  I'm glad she does.  I know one day she will stop coming home all together and that's a bridge we will cross when we come to it.  For today - I'm enjoying having her home for 3 days.  I'm glad she's at a great Christian college with students, staff and mentors who love the Lord and are growing her in Christ.  But I miss her.

Yet, as much as having her stay home at a community college would be beneficial to me - it wouldn't be beneficial for her.  It's not what God wants for her life.  Right now she is living the dream that both Marty and I were able to live.  I want that for it even though eventually, it means goodbye.