Shatter the Silence

It's been, again, forever, since I've written anything on this blog.  Life just happens.

Anyway - we're on vacation in Minneapolis with our beautiful daughter.  Little man is in Texas visiting his Grandparents.  I've had some time to pick up a book on my kindle called "Rid of my disgrace".  Here are some quotes:

"The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing."

"There is an epidemic of sexual assault, and victims need the kind of hope and help that only the gospel of Jesus Christ can provide.  Tragically, most churches and Christians are woefully unprepared to help the one in four women and one in six men who have been abused sexually.  Worse still, many Christian leaders (including parents) are ignorant of this epidemic because ashamed victims are reticent to simply declare what has been done to them, and untrained leaders do not recognize the signs of sexual assault or know how to inquire lovingly of victims."

I've thought a lot about this in the past - the silence that runs so deep in this topic.  Let me share some of my experiences, without bitterness, of what has happened to me at various times when I have tried to share my past. 

I've had stupidity.  I've been told I must have wanted it if I stayed in the home and didn't run away.  This being told to me by the mother of my first college boyfriend.  I wish I had known then what I know now.  Anyway - without bitterness :)  I've had pity (which I struggle with).  I've had genuine concern - friends who have allowed me to share even though they do not understand.  I've had the loving, gentle touch of my husband who has coaxed me out of my shell, has given me wings to fly, has protected and cherished me and has kissed, so to speak, my scars.  I've had silence.  I've had people who say nothing - but in their saying nothing, say everything.  I've had people who just plain don't know how to respond.

No one likes to talk about the reality of sexual abuse - and especially not in the church.  It hurts too much.  It is graphic - it is raw.  It is very raw.  Most wish to push it under a rug and hope it will go away - hope the victims will stay silent so that they don't make people uncomfortable.  Some think a victims past should stay - in the past.  Christ does, indeed, make all things new - but the making of new things requires the shedding of old.

I talk about my past more than most - but honestly, I don't talk about it enough.  I wonder just how many women I sit next to on Sunday morning who are just waiting for someone to notice, to say something.  I wonder how many women - and men - wish they could just be set free of something that has held them captive for so very long.

Reading this book makes me realize there is more to do.  I don't know what yet, I don't know how - but I really do need to tell my story.  I did, once, and I had a women come up to me and I knew - I knew in 3 seconds - it had happened to her too.  My courage gave her courage.  It was humbling.

I am not good at "ending" posts.  But I guess I would say this.  We really need to blow open the doors of shame in the church.  We need to find a way to make church the place to find healing.  We need to stop acting ashamed of our victims.  We do - we do it by not allowing them to speak, by not giving them a voice, by smiling politely but walking away hoping they will just shut up, by saying nothing.  We need to stop because Jesus offers so much more than that.  Jesus wants so much more for all of us.  Freedom for the captives.  Beauty for ashes.  Prisoners set free.

The doors to the prison need to be blown wide open.  The darkness needs the light of Jesus pouring in to chase the darkness away.  How do we do that?  By breaking the silence.

I'm praying about what to do next - how to create that place - how to be that person.  Trying to figure out what form that will take.  First I have to contact a friend who has asked me to speak but I have been both terrified and waiting for the day I feel like I've - I don't know - I've been perfect spiritually.  But I must find a way - because I am brave enough to talk about what was done to me - I must find a way to allow others to find that strength as well.

Moving On

I think I mentioned in my New Year's Resolution post that this year may bring a move.  It is now becoming a reality.

For those of you who know us, you know this has been coming for a very long time.  In all honesty, this place that we have lived for well over 10 years has never welcomed us with open arms.  No, I'm not going into it all - but we have never truly been happy as a family here.  We have never embraced it anymore than it has embraced us.  I've been waiting for the day we would move on for years and I think there are probably those who will be happy to see us go.

Now it's here - only we're not moving on where I thought we would be (south - warm - tropical).  Instead we are moving 45 minutes north to where Marty works and Jon goes to school.  Yesterday we were walking around downtown and for the first time, I got nervous.  For the first time, I second-guessed our decision.

But as I type this, I am reminded of the Egyptians.  They got into the desert and wanted nothing more than to turn back to Egypt - to where they were enslaved, treated poorly.  Back to their comfort zone - even though they were never comfortable.

I was talking with someone at church on Sunday and I said this stage in life is hard.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore - what I am.  I feel as if all of the friendships I once had are no longer there.  Sunday morning, during worship, the phrase "it's time to move on" kept running through my head.  I was trying to figure out if that was a God-thing or a Tami- thing.

Whatever it was, we are moving on.  There are some things I am excited about.  No one looks at us twice.  Marty is dark, I am light - and no one cares.  Anonymity is a beautiful thing.  I love the culture.  I love the international feel.  I love that I'm not going to run into someone who thinks they know us based on the lies someone else has spread in the past.  In fact, I love the fact that if we DO run into someone we know, it's because their kid had Marty as a teacher and they love him.  We will live closer to some friends, closer to my brother, closer to our families.  We won't be spending 800.00 a month on gas.

On the other hand - there are things I am nervous about.  Where will we go to church?  I hate "breaking in" a new church.  HATE IT.  But it's funny - Jon - JON - has already been working on that!  Never saw that coming!  He went to the EMU lock in with our church we attend now and met some kids from a youth group up there.  He has been asking his friends at school where they go to church.  See - now that is a good thing.

I am concerned about the liberalism in AA.  The acceptance is great - but there is also a downside to that - where there is tolerance for everything BUT bible-believing Christians.  It does make me a little nervous.

It's a transition phase in life.  We are not going to buy a home there - we are going to rent.  That way, in 3 years when Jon graduates, we are free to move if we need to.  We are also going to rent out our home here - so we're looking for some awesome renters!  Also nervous about being a landlord.  Not something I thought we would ever be - but - we must.  The market is so incredibly horrible that we would lose over 50% of what we paid for our house.  Not going to happen.

Anyway.  That's where it's at.  I think I made 3 New Years goals - to lose weight, to draw close to God and to move.  I think.  It's all a slow, steady work in progress.

Hodge Podge

I'm not even sure if that's correct spelling up there (Hodge podge!), but this is going to be a short (stop laughing) little update and - and I won't make any promises as to when I'll be back writing normal posts!  Life is - well - life!

I wrote one of my new years resolutions was to lose weight.  Well, I've lost a bit actually!  I've done a juicing fast and this week I start training for a 5k.  Pray - this is not a battle - it's WAR!!

Kiddos are doing well!  Lysie is busy at school and her first year is almost over.  My how time flies!  I am soooo looking forward to having my girl home.  Jon continues to work through school - still tough - but he is working hard and plunging forward.  He's decided to try out for football this next fall.  The kid is GROWING like crazy.  He's as tall as me and has hit 140 pounds.  Marty was 145 when we got married so I think the kid might actually be bigger than his Dad at some point.  Never thought I would say that!!

My foot is still in the walking boot.  I've been pushing too much but will continue to push some more.  It's my nature.  As I said - I will start training for a 5k this week - walking boot and all!  It's just the way I roll ;)

Today God has been giving me a rather strange (lol) message - well - strange in the wording - but when God repeats "strange" wording twice in one day - well - I know I'm supposed to pay attention.  Twice today I have heard the exact phrase "Awake from your slumber O sleeper".  It was the message at a church we don't usually attend (visiting friends & went with them).  Didn't think much of it until we were driving home and lo and behold - the EXACT phrase was on a church sign of all things that we passed on the way home.  Noted God!

Let's see - for the boys Spring break, we're headed out to see Elyse in Minneapolis.  I am beyond excited!  Little man is going to fly down to Texas to see his Grandparents.  I'm terrified of the whole flying by himself thing - but he, of course, being almost 16, can NOT wait!  He loves Texas.  He told us today he was going to college at Texas Tech.  One kid in the freezing arctic zone of Minneapolis, one kid in the hot desert zone of Texas.  Go figure.  Fortunately he has 3 more years before that happens - but - he's thinking about it at least!

Got to spend lots of time with friends this past week which is always a blessing.  Took Jon to Castaway Bay in Sandusky and enjoyed some family time as well.  Mid-winter break for the boys has come to a conclusion and it's back to the grind tomorrow :(

Well my friends - that's about all for now.  I know it's been forever and I know I promised to write more.  I'm not going to promise this time - I'm just going to do the best I can with the time I have.  I trust this post finds you all doing way.  Be blessed!

Parenting Etiquette for Facebook

This is a post a long time coming.

I am a parent of 1 young adult and 1 teen.  Until my oldest went to college, we knew her password for Facebook.  In fact, I probably still know it.  Same for the youngest who is almost 16.  I monitor their Facebook accounts - more for the younger than the older now - but monitored the oldest as well when she was at home.

We have some rules.  First and foremost - family issues - stay in the family.  Never.  Ever get on Facebook and talk bad about us as parents.  That's a fast way to get yourself kicked off Facebook permanently.  Neither of my kids have ever done that to my knowledge.

But more than that - we do the same for our kids.

Here's the deal.

Don't talk bad about your teens on Facebook.  Don't try to publicly humiliate them.  Don't air your gripes and complaints about your teens for the world to see.  Don't share what they've done wrong.  Don't talk about how much they annoy you. Don't involve other people on Facebook and try to get other people on your side when your teens are mad at you.  Just don't do it.  If you see someone else doing it - don't get involved.  Don't say a word.  If you expect your kids not to talk about YOU on Facebook - well then - don't talk about them.  Keep family matters private.

Just once, and only once, I made the mistake of making a remark about one of my kids on Facebook.  It was on a comment and it really wasn't that big of a deal - and I didn't think they would see it - but my child saw it.  The look in their eyes told me I had crossed the line.  I unintentionally embarrassed them and hurt their feelings all at the same time.  Said child, in turn, removed me from their Facebook account - which was quickly remedied because that's not going to happen.  However - I gave them some grace - because I was to blame.

When my kids do something on Facebook I don't like - comments or updates - or whatever - because I'm monitoring - I catch it quickly.  I talk to them face to face and not over the computer.  Honestly I think maybe once with both of my kids have I even had to have a conversation because the expectations were set ahead of time.  I don't post something on their status as a snotty reply.  I don't make videos of shooting up their computers like a recent thing I saw that everyone thinks is hilarious.  That's a good way to cause permanent damage to your relationship.

Once when I was a teenager we were visiting my Aunt. This was pre-Facebook - pre-Internet days.  It was late at night and I overheard my parents - and especially my Dad - telling my Aunt what a horrible teenager I was.  Of course, in my situation, I wanted to run out there and tell my Aunt what my father had been doing to me my whole life - but beyond that - I was crushed.  Devastated that my father was out there telling my Aunt all these bad things about me.  It hurt and hurt a lot.  It's no different now with Facebook.  There is just no need to tell the world how awful your teenager is.  We all know how teenagers are.  If you need to talk, find a trusted friend and call them or privately message them when your kid is not around.  There is nothing wrong with seeking advice - but to put it out there for everyone - unfair.

Anyway.  That's my 2 cents.  It breaks my heart to see so many parents who feel it is okay to talk bad about their teenagers or someone elses teenagers on Facebook.  It's not the way things should be handled.

Update!

So sorry folks.  It's been such a long time.  I will try to post more often in the weeks to come.

Let's see!  What to tell you???

Ummm - I got sick and stayed sick for over a week - no fun.  Then, just as I was barely starting to recover from the sickness, I broke my toe.  Now - that might not sound like a big deal, right?  Yeah, well, I broke the base of it, which turns out to be difficult to break.  Due to the location and severity - no toe taping for me - but a walking cast - for - 8 weeks.  8 weeks people!!

I have yet to figure out if I can drive with this thing on.  I took last week off due to being sick and trying to get the swelling down in my foot.  The goal for the next 3 days is to spend enough time on my foot to figure out if I can handle chasing kids around for 7 hours.  I'm hoping to pick up some half day jobs towards the end of the week just to see if I can take it.

The boys finished off the semester and have started a new one.  Jon made it through his first semester of Algebra which was not an easy task for him.  So proud of how hard he worked to pass that class.  Funny story - we were in a restaurant when he looked up his exam grade - which was a 63%.  Now - most parents would not be pleased with that - but Jon worked soooo hard and with his learning disability - we were PRAYING he would pass the stupid exam.  So - he sees on the computer that he got a 63% and YELLS out in the middle of the restaurant - "YES!  I got a 63%!  I passed!" and we about jumped out of our seats and high fived him.  Everyone was kind of looking at us like "WHAT is WRONG with them??  WORST parents in the WORLD!"  Anyway - funny moment and again, so proud of all his hard work this semester. 

Elyse made it through her first semester and with a ton of work and dedication made the Dean's list for her first semester of college!!  She got all A's and 1 B.  We are equally as proud of our girl for working so hard and dedicating this time in her life to grow in the Lord.  We love our kids - both gifted in their own ways.  We sure are blessed :)

Let's see, what else?  We are slowly moving forward with trying to move.  We have gotten a short sale packet from our mortgage company.  Pray - we need a miracle.  We don't have a "hardship" really in order to technically get a short sale.  We will not walk away from our house - we can pay the mortgage and pay we will.  However, the worth of the house is literally less than half of what we paid for it.  We have no options but a short sale - but the mortgage company has to agree to it.  We are going to talk to them about how Jon has switched schools and we need to be closer for him.  I don't know that they will consider that a "hardship" or not.  If not, we have no options but to stay.  For Jon's sake - we need to move closer to school.  He wants to play football in the fall and living 45 minutes away is not feasible for that.  The gas money IS killing us and if gas hits 5.00 a gallon like it's supposed to - then we will have a hardship!

Like I said - I'll try to post more often.  I apologize.  Life is just crazy right now.  If your still with me - thanks - and sorry to disappoint!

Nothing changes....

....if everything stays the same.

That is what I woke up thinking today.  I believe it is a message to me from God.  I hope anyway because I'm about to run with it.

Last year and the start of this year - tough thus far.  We had everything that happened in the last post.  This past week, I got some great and needed news - I was able to land a long term subbing position at my favorite building in my favorite classroom.  I was so excited.  After 2 days, the teacher, who was in the hospital, made a miraculous recovery - which - is awesome.  However, it kicked me out of the long term subbing position.  God knew, though, because the next day when I should have been in the classroom - I woke up - sicker than I've ever been.  The past 3 days I've spent in bed.  Oh -and there is still good news on that front - this past week in that classroom landed me a long term subbing position in May and June to take over for a teacher who will go on maternity leave - so - still a good thing.

Anyway - these past few days in bed have given me LOTS of time to think.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  My husband said to me this morning - "When are we going to start having fun again?" and he didn't mean the two of us - he meant as a family.

Now there are some struggles we are having as a family I can't post on here.  Don't worry - it's not my marriage although our time together as a result of this struggle has been serious hampered and has put a decent amount of strain on things.  But the timing of his statement, when I hadn't mentioned what I had woke up thinking - it was merely confirmation.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

My spiritual walk will never change if I continue to allow the toughness of life to get in the way.  If I continue to walk away from God because I can't feel him, I can't see him - I'm not mad at him - but I just am weary and when I do get in the word or pray, I hear nothing - well - I can't allow those things to pull me away.  I must keep pressing on.

Our family struggle.  I can't "fix" this issue.  But I can talk to someone about it - which I have avoided doing. I can't state here what we can do - but there are some additional steps we can take - and it's time to stop messing around and just do it.

My weight.  I can't tell you how much of a burden this is to me.  I keep talking and doing nothing.  NOTHING. I feel so stinking powerless in this area.  I'm embarrassed of myself.  I hate the way I look - but even more - I hate the way I feel.  I do not believe I would have gotten so incredibly sick this past week if not for my weight.  I really don't.  In this area especially - nothing changes if everything stays the same.  I'm not sure where to head with this - but I believe whatever I do must really change compared to what I'm doing now.  I believe this will be not just a battle - but a war within myself.  I believe food has become the only thing in my life I can control at this point - but I am allowing it to control me.  I must change.

These are the 3 areas where I feel most burdened.  Nothing changes if everything stays the same.  We must take actual steps in each area - stop the talk and start the walk - or nothing will be any different a year from now.  I'm sorry, but that's just not acceptable to me anymore.  I don't want to be this unhappy for the rest of my life.  I am so blessed and I know that - but I have allowed these three things to totally take away my happiness.  I've isolated myself from friends because it's just easier than being an unhappy me - I mean - who wants to be around me - around us - like this anyway??

Anyway - that's what I'm thinking.  Maybe tomorrow - maybe - I'll try to take some practical steps to move towards change.

Nothing changes if everything stays the same.

What is going on???

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

I have to say folks - 2012 has not started off well.  Let me share with you some of the news we have received in the past week alone (in no particular order):

1.  Marty's Mom's cancer has returned.  The melanoma is back. 
2.  We heard some devastating news about some friends from college. Their 18 year old son took his own life and died this week. 
3.  Marty's Grandpa's brother died this week.
4.  Some friends from church had a baby 11 days ago.  Their baby stopped breathing in his mother's arms.  She was able to perform CPR and the baby is in the hospital.  Something is wrong with his little heart.
5.  Another couple from church (we don't know the kids or the baby) - their granddaughter is having some major health problems and they are praying her through every day.
6.  Elyse's best friend from high school's Mom (that was a mouth full) has had breast cancer since Elyse's freshman year.  Hospice has been called in.
7.  We have some other issues we are dealing with as a family, not to be shared on my blog. 

I do, honestly, feel as if we've entered the valley of death - where the shadow hangs all around.  I'd like to say I don't feel the evil as David claims in this Psalm - but - I do.  With every new bit of news, I grow a little more fearful.  I know that's not the way it's supposed to be and although I attempt to allow God's rod and staff to comfort me - the truth of the matter is - when I get in situations which make me fearful, I tend to just push everything (and everyone) away and kind of do this survival mode thing.  Ignore it all and maybe it will go away.  I tried this morning to read my bible and pray - but instead I feel this disconnect with God.  It's hard to explain.  Almost as if I don't want to turn to him because it makes me feel too vulnerable or something.  Maybe that doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.

There is no real point to this post except to say WHAT IS GOING ON?  Although 2011 was not a great year - 2012 certainly isn't starting off well!  I hate funerals.  Let me say that again.  I. hate. funerals.  Hate. them. Call it stupid, immature, childish and selfish - but - coming face to face with death and that extreme level of grief puts me in major shut down mode.  I can't handle them.  They are part of life - but a part of life I would rather avoid at all costs.

Anyway - lots to pray about.  Lots to send me to my knees. Lot's of pain for others.  Lot's of scary times and uncertainty.  Maybe that's it right there.  I do like things predictable, I like them planned out.  I don't like surprises and I certainly don't like things I can't fix.  My list is full of things I can't fix, can't control, can't make better.  I can't take away the pain of cancer or death for someone else.  It hurts and it's going to continue to hurt.  I think that's why David says "Even though I walk through" - because that's exactly what you do.  Walk through.  The only way to the other side is to walk through.

In times like these I wish Jesus would come quickly. 

Sorry - long post.  I needed to talk this through for myself.  Thanks for sticking with me.