You are beautiful

I debated on calling this "Even big girls cry" - but not big as in chunky (which is an undeniable fact at this point in life) but big as in grown up!

It's funny how, at 40 years old, you can still be made to feel like you are in Jr. high and being bullied.  I had one such experience recently.   I think I mentioned in a previous post that I've picked up playing the clarinet again.  Little background for my new readers - I was a clarinet performance major/voice minor in college.  I gave it up to get married and have kids - and honestly - after being told by my clarinet Professor that in order to achieve the next level - I would need to increase my practice time from my 6 hours a day (yes, you read that right - 6 hours a day) to over 8 hours a day - that wasn't going to happen. I had just met Marty - and - well - handsome boy vs. 8 hours in a practice room - well I think you know what I chose!

Anyway.  So - after 18 long years of absence (at least playing in anything regularly or competitively) - I picked it back up.  I have been adding more and more playing time to my week and am involved in a few different things in order to play in a group setting as often as my schedule will allow.  One of the venues in which I play, there is a person who I get the distinct impression does not like me.  This person makes life  miserable and although I am 40 and normally a tell it like it is kind of person - for some reason - this person strikes a cord that sends me shrinking and leaves me feeling stupid, insufficient, lacking, unworthy.  I don't know why - they just do.

I won't go into details about what happened - but I walked away refraining from crying.  I got into my car and cried half the way home.  I cried out to God - feeling as I said before - unworthy.  Not good enough.  Less than acceptable.  All I wanted to do was run home to my husband and have him wrap me up in his arms and hold me.  40 - and this is how I felt.

Anyway - on my loooonng icy drive home, I was crying out to God as I said.  I was feeling childish for the way I was feeling - but sometimes it's nice to have a good cry. I asked God - "Do you love me still? and not 2 seconds later - this song came on the radio.  Here are the words:

Mercy Me - Beautiful

The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you could ever be loved

And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much

Chorus:

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful

You are treasured.  You are sacred.  You are His.

You're Beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find

Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Chorus

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and sky above

You're the one he loves madly

Enough to death

Chorus

Maybe I'm not the only one that needs to hear those words today.  Pretty crazy how God just jumps right in and speaks like that sometimes. I don't know why it always leaves me so surprised. 

His opinion - is the only one that matters.  I'm considering leaving this particular endeavor because I just don't know if the stress is worth it.  It's hard to be where you are not welcomed.  On the other hand - He gave me the talent.  He gave me the ability.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I play for His glory and not my own or for the affirmation of others. 

Anyway - You're Beautiful.  I needed to hear that tonight.