Change in the air

I've been spending some quality and quantity time in front of the Lord this past month.  Along with my no pop dealio starting March 1st (and still pop free!), I also have made it a point to daily get in the word, spend time in prayer and worship.  I'm embarrassed to admit that wasn't my regular practice - but, Lord willing, I am working on making it a habit.  I'm also loving it.   It has been beneficial to my dry and thirsty soul.

Along with my bible and devotional, I've been reading some other books as well.  Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere (already posted on that one), The Bait of Satan by John Bevere and today I started reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkhurst.  I also read Unplanned by Abby Johnson yesterday (well worth the read).  My heart - is heavy.  God is pruning some branches - I am convicted about a few issues in my life I have never seen as issues before.

I've barely begun The Bait of Satan and already know God is dealing with the layers of walls that surround my heart from all of the times I've been hurt by people in life.  It's something I've been "working" on but haven't known where to begin to lay it all down and not pick it back up again.  This book, is teaching me.  I'll post more on this as I get further into the book.

Tonight I started reading Made to Crave and have begun to see my weight issues in a whole new light.  So many verses in the book which have thoroughly convicted my spirit.  I realize food has consumed me - has taken the place of God in my life.  I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts here - but tonight, I feel a brokenness I haven't felt before in this area.  I realize food has been an idol - and that deeply saddens me honestly.  I've always said I didn't have idols - but I know now, I was wrong.

I've always tried to "figure out" why I'm fat.  Is it something from my childhood?  Sorry to be blunt - but I remember thinking as a child/teenager "if only I were fat, I bet he wouldn't touch me" (referring to my father) - but no - that's not it.  Is it because fat is a layer of security - of protection - from men paying me attention I don't want to be paid?  No, that's not it either.  What is it?  Why do I turn to food - and why - why does it have such a hold on my life?

It didn't always. I've never been at the weight I'm at now.  Never.  Was it kids, thyroid, cancer, age, what?  I was SKINNY as a teen - why is this happening to me?

But tonight, I realize - it's because I have allowed food to take a place in my life it was never meant to take.  I've turned to it for entertainment, for depression, for happiness, for fun, for frustrations, for anger, for boredom - for everything.  It calls to me 24/7 and sometimes, it seems it is all I think about.

I realize tonight my actions have saddened my father in heaven.  He was meant to be in that place.   He is to be my source, my rock, my joy.  When did this happen?

I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do to change at this point - but I know - I am going to change.   I love my Savior - and I don't want anything to take His place.  I'll finish up the book and put a plan in place, and then me and Jesus - we're taking this thing on.  With God - nothing is impossible.